Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Swine Flu Cure May Have Been Found

While results have yet to be 100% confirmed, reports say that the World Health Organization may have found a cure for the swine flu. Apparently several doctors in Mexico have started using a controversial treatment on swine flu patients with positive results. The patients are to sit in a room by themselves while classic Journey tunes such as "Only the Young" and "Lights" are pumped through speakers located in the ceiling. Doctors can't say for sure, but something in the sound waves emitted from Journey music cause the symptoms of swine flu to decrease significantly. Many patients' fevers are said to have broken and chills are said to have subsided.

"It's amazing!" gushed one doctor, who wished to remain anonymous. "I've always loved classic rock--Journey especially. Who would have thought that my favorite band would also be the one to save us from this pandemic?"

"It was weird," said a treated patient, wishing to remain anonymous. "Almost as soon as I heard Steve Perry's voice, I felt calmer and less sick. It's almost as if the virus that riddled my body stopped to listen."

Experiments are still being conducted, but doctors seem to think that listening to Journey music for thirty minutes is all it takes to combat the flu. Those that have been treated have yet to relapse, causing WHO officials to think that maybe a cure is on the horizon.

"We can't confirm anything just yet," said a WHO spokesman, "but we should know something by the end of today or early tomorrow. If this turns out to be the real thing," he added, "this would be the biggest breakthrough in medical history."

Like they say, prevention is best, so to make sure you don't come with the swine flu in the first place, dig out your Journey CDs and start listening now. Put them on constant rotation if you have to. Methinks an extra-large PIO would help your cause as well.

And don't go to Mexico. Duh.