Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Why "Don't Stop Believin'" Should be the National Anthem

In a previous blog post, a reader commented that right now, "Don't Stop Believin'" is America's favorite party song, and next it'll be its national anthem. And I thought, why the hell not? There are some distinct advantages to that being our national anthem.

First of all, "The Star-Spangled Banner" sucks balls. It's long. It's droning. It's monotonous. It's a buzz kill. Anybody who's ever been to a sporting event has seen the energy in the crowd go from 60-0 in less than a second when it's announced that "The Star-Spangled Banner" will kick off festivities. In fact, the crowd only perks up after that damn song is finished, not because they're all inspired and patriotic, but because it's over.

"Don't Stop Believin'," on the other hand, is upbeat. It's got a good tune to dance and sing to. People love hearing it, and everytime I've ever heard it in public, everybody around seems to perk up instantly. Think about the last time you heard it. Didn't you get instantly happy and feel akin to a hippie, wanting to spread the love to less enlightened folk? Thought so.

Another downside to "The Star-Spangled Banner:" nobody knows the frigging words. I take that back. Maybe 1% of the population know the words. But next time you're at an event that employs the song, look around. Everybody's eyes are vacant, and they're either not singing at all, or they're mumbling along, and what they're mumbling is probably anything but the song they're supposed to be singing. And they don't give a rat's furry ass. They're just waiting for the song to be over so the real fun can begin.

On the flipside, everybody knows the words to "Don't Stop Believin'." And they gladly sing and dance along, not wanting the song to ever be over. They get a high off the song that's greater than what any narcotic drug could give them. That song isn't the prelude to the party; that song is the party!

Look, I'm not trying to be unpatriotic by hating on our current national anthem. In fact, I love my country. America is a pretty cool place. We're the home of baseball. McDonald's. Snuggies. The Shamwow. Steve Perry, for god's sake! And I just think that a cool country like America deserves to have a national anthem that's equally rockin'. "Don't Stop Believin'" may be an unlikely choice, but it does embody the American spirit. It says, "Hey you. Don't stop believin'. Even you can have your own slice of the American dream if you just hold on to that feelin'."

So let's start a movement, right here, right now, to upgrade America's national anthem. It's time for a change. It's time for Journey.


  1. It's only time for Journey, if it's Journey with STEVE PERRY! No Steve Perry impersonator/karaoke singers allowed!

  2. Oh, of course! That's the only stipulation. It's Journey with Steve Perry or no Journey at all.

  3. "So let's start a movement, right here, right now, to upgrade America's national anthem. It's time for a change. It's time for Journey."

    You should send this out as a press release. Brilliant!

    And I will vote for any Presidential candidate who runs on the Don't Stop Believin' platform.

  4. Me too. That would be the most awesome choice for a campaign song.

  5. I'm so inspired by this, I had to tweet.

  6. Nope. So sorry, but I have to put the kibosh on this little escapade.

    First of all, maybe YOU can't sing the National Anthem, but I can. And if you think hammering that "land of the FREE" note at full volume doesn't make you the hero of the row, then... ok, no, it doesn't. Nobody appreciates that at all.

    But second, and more important, Don't Stop Believin' is not a song about hope or faith or any of that other rinky-tinky bullpoo. Don't Stop Believin' is about SEX: hot, sweaty, dirty sex. That "forbidden fruit" kinda sex. That "for a smile they can share the night, those dice-rolling strangers with their cheap wine and boulevards and whatnot" kind of sex. You know. The good kind.

    And if there's one thing the United States of America is NOT about, buddy, you better believe it's sex. Every other law is about keeping somebody from getting it on with somebody else... and a good thing too! If we're all out finding emotion hiding somewhere in the night, who's going to write the user manuals? Install the In-Sink-Erators? Sing opera? Feed the llamas? Nobody, that's who. You thought that whole sub-prime thing played hell with the economy? Well wait'll you see what happens after a good couple of weeks of working hard to get our fill!

    No no no. No. The National Anthem has to be at once daunting and unrewarding, just like life, dammit! Otherwise we'll all go spiraling off into rivers of shimmering joy, sweat streaming down our glistening bodies, Steve Perry's sweet voice filling the air as we EXPLODE into a million diamonds scattershot against the sun...

    Aw, screw it, I'm in.