Friday, July 3, 2009

How Would Steve Perry Celebrate the Fourth of July?

Well, boys and girls, the fourth of July is just around the corner and I know we're all wondering the same thing: how would Steve Perry rock his Independence Day? (You were wondering that, don't argue.) I think I know how he would celebrate...

First of all, he'd be celebrating in San Francisco. And why not? While it's not mandatory, July 4th is one of those holidays that seems fitting to celebrate in one's hometown with family and friends. And Steve seems like the kind of guy who never forgets his roots, so he'd be in the City by the Bay, watching the fireworks display over the water. But that's at the end of the night! We're getting ahead of ourselves here! What would he do in the hours leading up to the fireworks?

He'd host a barbecue. This wouldn't be just any barbecue, mind you. I mean, it's Steve Perry. He would be cheating his talents and his iconic status by throwing a normal gathering. This would be the party of the year. Bigger than P. Diddy's White Party? Yes. Bigger than Oprah's annual birthday bash? Yes. Bigger than Pedamundo? Yes, yes, YES. Steve Perry's July 4th barbecue would be like a Florida State tailgate, Woodstock, Bonaroo, Hugh Heffner's Playboy Mansion parties and a weekend bender at Amy Winehouse's place all rolled into one patriotic and debaucherous package on acid. We're talking people tripping, jumping up and down on one of those huge trampolines while holding Roman Candles, threatening to light themselves (and others) on fire. We're talking about people having crazy monkey (yet safe) sex on the ground, in the bushes and in the trees. We're talking about all the hamburgers, hot dogs and Coke one could ever hope to feast on. We're talking about enough liquor to get even the most seasoned alcoholic blitzed. We're talking shiny man-hair and red, white and blue cupcakes.

Where would all this take place, you ask? At Steve's place? At a rented house on the outskirts of San Francisco? Hell no! This would take place right next to the goddamn water! Just like the value and importance of a good party, Steve knows the importance of being on time. He knows that thousands gather to watch the fireworks display by the water and that if you don't get there early enough, your chance of getting a good spot is all but shot. So he stakes his claim the night before the celebration, at approximately 7p.m., sets up and camps out, so that when it comes time for the fireworks, he'll already be in a prime location. He won't have to worry about interrupting the party temporarily to travel to the fireworks; he and his party-goers will already be there and can continue to celebrate without any hiatus. And because Steve is such a good, down-to-earth, totally non-pretentious guy, his party is open to anybody and everybody. There are no lines. No admission fees. No special VIP treatment. Steve's motto is, "The more, the merrier," so anybody who is patriotic, likes to eat and drink and likes to cut loose and party, is welcome.

Happy Independence Day, Perryheads. May your celebrations be as patriotic and rockin' as Steve's. And if not, go to San Francisco.

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