Thursday, August 13, 2009

You Too Can Be One Less

No doubt you've all seen the commercials for Gardasil, the vaccine that promises girls and young women they will be "one less" victim of cervical cancer should they choose to get vaccinated. But I'll let you in on a little secret the pharmaceutical bidness doesn't want you to know: the shot DOESN'T WORK. That's just a ploy to get you drop more of your hard-earned money on a "miracle cure" for, let's face it, a disease you probably didn't know was that serious in the first place. All so the pharmaceutical industry can make more dough.

First, lemme be real wichu: cervical cancer is no laughing matter. That's some serious shit. And even HPV in milder states is still a pain in the ass, fucking up your "down there" business and forcing you into a walk of shame to your gyno to get your situation straightened out. And even after that, you still have to endure the humiliation of telling new lovers about what went down, suggest they double-bag it, and pray they still want to touch you. NOT GOOD.

So what are my options? you may be asking yourself. If Gardasil doesn't work, am I SOL should I contract HPV? Why, I'm so glad you asked! Because I'm awesome, I ran across a little secret that the pharmaceutical industry wants to keep under wraps but that I'll share with you all because it's a matter of public health and safety and you guys deserve to know: Gardasil is not the answer. Steve Perry is.

I know, I know, ain't that some shit? But hear me out. Johns Hopkins did a study and found that exposure to Steve Perry can help cure and prevent HPV and cervical cancer. Now, HOLD UP. Before you raid Wal-Mart looking for The Essential Journey, you should know that varying exposures to the Steve Perry goodness results in varying degrees of protection. So be aware of the facts before you start treatment.

1. The best form of protection is to actually sleep with Steve Perry. Johns Hopkins found that women who actually bedded Steve were immune from every STD in existence (including those that have yet to be discovered), cervical and breast cancers, and they sported luscious, shiny hair. The children they also bore as a result of subsequent conquests (not with Steve) came out healthy, happy and predispositioned to score 2400 on their SATs.

2. If you're not able to physically sex it up with Steve, the next best thing you can do is watch Journey videos and listen to Journey albums. You won't get cervical or breast cancer, but you might get mild forms of STDs. It won't be anything life-threatening, and it'll clear up in a few days with a doctor's prescription, but it might throw a kink into whatever plans you may have. Your children will be normal.

3. The last, and least effective, option is to look at a photo of Steve Perry and pray to god to you don't die because you contracted some crazy-ass STD. You might also want to offer up another prayer that your future children aren't, as they say in The Hangover, r'tards. Trust me on this: drop the ten bucks and buy a Journey album. Don't resort to this option.

So now you know what's up. Please, please please take this information and educate your daughters, wives and girlfriends on the seriousness of HPV and what they can do to protect themselves. It's a matter of public health. Be one less.

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