Thursday, December 31, 2009

Ring in the New Year With Steve!

So even though I couldn't find any audio or video clips of Steve Perry singing Christmas carols, I did manage to find an audio file of Steve Perry, with Journey, singing Auld Lang Syne at a New Years concert. I know, I know. Go figure, right? YouTube is a vexing beast. This clip also includes a few other covers, should you wish to listen past the first song (and really, who wouldn't?).

Happy New Years, everybody! Pop open a bubbly and ring in 2010 with Steve Perry and your loved ones. I know that's what Steve will be doing. Except instead of going to sleep after the ball has dropped, he'll probably be banging a lady friend while simultaneously giving you a PIO as you watch old Journey videos and listen to your favorite Journey songs. Talk about starting the new year off with a bang.

Monday, December 21, 2009

A Very Perry Christmas

As any fairly consistent reader of this blog can attest to, when Steve Perry celebrates a holiday, he goes all out. He doesn't fuck around, you could say. And Christmas is no exception. In fact, I am about to impart a little secret to you all that nobody else knows. And parents, I should warn you: do not let your kids read this next part. (Actually, don't let your kids read any part of this blog. It's not appropriate, and you know better.) Okay, ready? Steve Perry is actually Santa Claus.

Yes, you read that right. What, you think I'm bullshitting you?! Come on now, would I do you wrong like that? Steve Perry really is Santa Claus! Of course, like any legend, a few details have been changed to keep Steve's true identity under wraps. For example, the fat, grandfatherly-type figure with the sleigh and the reindeer and the milk and cookies is all crap. It's really just Steve, rocking one of his signature Journey outfits, tooling around in his 1963 Ford Falcon convertible, delivering gifts all over the world (FYI: the convertible can fly. It's magic.). And instead of eating the milk and cookies (or the milk and celery sticks some of you lame-os put out, and you know you put them out) he sleeps with your mom. Or your sister. Or your daughter. Pretty much any female member of your household he'll sleep with. But don't be alarmed; it's consensual and they like it. And, just like the fake Santa facade we've all grown up with, Steve does accept Christmas lists. Whether he decides to get you anything you request is really up to him (I mean, he does know what's best), but he will take your suggestions into consideration. And it's not too late to send him a little note; simply send your letter to the following address:

Steve Perry

c/o The City by the Bay

Don't Stop Believin'

Or you can leave a note in the comments section. I make no guarantees they'll be read, but have a little faith.

Merry Christmas, Perry Heads. Just remember: if you happen to hear the faint sounds of "Be Good to Yourself," "Escape," "Faithfully" or any other Journey tune on Christmas Eve, you didn't accidentally leave your CD player on. It's Santa Claus Steve, imparting to you his own brand of Christmas cheer.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Steve Perry Sings Christmas Carols! (Or "Holiday Music" for the PC-Minded)

So because I love all my amazing readers, I wanted to give you guys an early Christmas present. Something from the heart. From me to you. So I scoured the internet (well, YouTube and Google) to see if I could find a video or an audio file of our dearly beloved singing Christmas carols...and this was the best I could come up with.

It's a slide show of Steve Perry photos accompanied by Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas songs. Yes, it's lame. And disappointing. Which brings us to an important life lesson: you can't always get what you want. Life is disappointing sometimes. I'm sorry. But, hey, it's the thought that counts, right?

Feel free to regift.

P.S. I promise to make it up to you with a post about how Steve Perry might celebrate the holidays. I've got something cookin' up in my head. Stay tuned.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Isn't it Bromantic?

I told you I'd find more evidence of Steve and Neal's secret bromance! TOLD. YOU. You didn't think I would, did you? DID YOU?! Oh ye of little faith. I present to you Exhibit B: Steve Perry being all up on his guitarist and "arch rival," Neal Schon. Oh sure, they're rocking out. Mmm hmm. Okay. Riiiiggggghhhhtttt. That's what they want you to think. Because if you knew the truth, that these two are BFFs, the whole Journey legacy would crumble like a house of playing cards. Now you might be saying, "SVB, you're reaching. Far. Drop this silly conspiracy you've cooked up and talk about Steve's crotch some more." First of all, you would say something like that, perv. But more importantly, riddle me this: if these two were just rocking out in the moment, like you say, then WHY THE HELL IS STEVE THAT CLOSE? I mean, he's practically mounting Neal! Think about it: would you want to be that close to the area of a person you didn't even like? I'm just saying.

Okay, continue to doubt, Doubting Thomas. But when this shit gets real and you see it on Extra or Entertainment Tonight or a more credible website, remember where you heard it first. And help me get my cut of the profit.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Strung Out

So I landed on this video on YouTube and started watching it, hoping that it would be cheesetastic, but was surprised to see that it was pretty straightforward. Steve Perry was rocking a pretty normal outfit, and the song is pretty catchy. However, I did notice one thing: one of the guitar players looks reminiscent of Neal Schon. Which got me thinking: if this was for Steve Perry's solo album, away from all things Journey, why would one of his guitar players look like Neal? Especially since the two are pretty much arch rivals. Could it be possible that the fighting and disagreements were just a public ruse and they secretly share a mutual platonic man-love? A bromance, if you will? To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised--the drama certainly bodes well for publicity. It's more interesting than reading story after story of how the two are BFFs for life. It's food for thought, and I will definitely be doing research to find more circumstantial evidence. Stay tuned.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

You Love Steve Perry.

Yes, you do. Look again at the title of this post. That is indeed a period at the end. Not a question mark, not a "..." or anything else that might suggest that it is anything other than a statement. You. Love. Steve. Perry. Wanna know how I know? I read Ohthatdeb's essay. Wanna know how she knows? Read it for yourself! And show her some love, leave some comments.

The Neck

First off, how fucking cool is this picture? I do believe that this is my favorite photo of Steve Perry. He looks like he should be in an 80s punk rock English band or something. Such a neat vintage rock photo. But I digress, for that is not the reason for this post. What I am about to discuss is Steve Perry's neck.

To be fair, I never noticed just how long Steve's neck was until Ohthatdeb mentioned it in a few of her comments, and now whenever I see a picture of him, that's the first thing I look at (no, seriously). The man has a long-ass neck. And I can't help but wonder: why is it that big? And okay, smart ass, I know that it houses his vocal chords and helps him sing and swallow and all that good stuff. Doi. But so do the rest of our necks, and ours aren't nearly as long or as majestic as Steve's. So what gives?

Here's my theory: Steve Perry's neck is evolution's way of saying, "This man's voice will knock your socks off, so recognize and respect." The packaging of Steve's power--his vocal chords--is obvious so that anybody who comes across him will immediately know that he is more special than any other human being on Earth and to treat him as such. Also, Steve Perry's vocal chords are double the length of ordinary ones--how else can you explain his magnificent range?--and made of platinum. No shit. So they need to be housed in something that's just a teensy bit different than the run-of-the-mill models currently on the market. Basically, it boils down to this: Special vocal chords=Better packaging. Hey, it might not be fair--I'd like a long, sexy neck--but I didn't design Steve Perry's anatomy. Take it up with Mother Nature if you have a problem, k?