Saturday, December 25, 2010

Guess What?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Er, wait--that's not right.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Much better. Anyway, hope yours was awesome and all that jazz. Here's a little something from all of us at Lover of Many, Father of None. And when I say, "all of us," what I really mean is, "just me," and when I say, "Here's a little something from all of us," what I really mean is, "I totally hijacked this video from YouTube and am passing it off to you as a crappy regift." Enjoy.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Fun Factoid About Stevie Claus #6

Stevie Claus wouldn't dare arrive in your house via the chimney and spoil his luxurious red satin track suit. He teleports himself into your home. He's that badass.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Fun Factoid About Stevie Claus #5


Don't worry about leaving milk and cookies out for Stevie Claus. They are too inferior for his stomach. What should you leave out instead? Scotch. The good kind. Unless you want sub-par hair care products under your tree.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Fun Factoid About Stevie Claus #4

Stevie Claus' ride isn't a sleigh. It's your mom.

In case you didn't know, this is your mom.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Fun Factoid About Stevie Claus #3

Stevie Claus' workshop isn't filled with elves making toys. Instead, it's his former Journey band members. And it's more like slave labor.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Fun Factoid About Stevie Clause #1


So you can make the most of this holiday season, I'm going to post a fun factoid about Stevie Claus everyday until Christmas. And if I forget a day, feel free to barrage me with your rage and insensitive personal attacks.

FUN FACTOID #1

If you've been naughty, Stevie Claus won't give you a lump of coal. Instead, you'll find a collection of sub-par hair care products under your tree. And if you've been good? He gives you a bone. In a sexual way.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Seen and Heard

Heard: "Any Way You Want It"

Location: The Hulk roller coaster at Universal's Islands of Adventure

What's better than riding an awesome roller coaster? LISTENING TO JOURNEY WHILE WAITING TO RIDE AN AWESOME ROLLER COASTER. On Saturday, my friend Arleen and I went to Islands of Adventure, where we were treated to an impromptu performance of "Any Way You Want It" by one of the employees manning The Hulk roller coaster. In the interest of honesty, I should disclose that it wasn't the entire song, just the phrases, "Any way you want it/ That's the way you need it," but still. It was a fun surprise, and it almost made up for the fact that our ride on the coaster was delayed because of a puker in the front row.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Fact or Fiction?

"Your Body is a Wonderland" is about Steve Perry.

Well, doy! Who else would it be about? Amateurs. Come back when you decide not to waste my time.

Also, watch this video.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Crotch Shot of the Day!

Hey, you! How was your Thanksgiving? Did you eat lots of turkey? Go overboard on the pumpkin pie? Drink copious amounts of liquor and do a ton of blow, causing you to pass out in a dumpster ten miles from where you live, where you wake up and realize that your pants are missing and someone named Bessie wrote her phone number on your hand? No? Oh well. There's always next year.

Anyway, I thought, what better way to welcome you back from the holiday weekend than with a picture that showcases Steve Perry's schlong? Consider this my belated Thanksgiving gift to you. You're welcome.


Bonus points for this picture being somewhat in the spirit of the holiday season and showcasing those incredibly loud red pants, which are housing incredibly long Lil' Steve! It looks like Steve is saying to someone off-camera, "Yo. What up? What did you say about my dance? Oh, my pants! Yeah, they're great, aren't they? Check it: on sale at Penney's for $15! Sure, I can't feel anything from the waist down, since the only size they had left was two sizes smaller than what I should wear, but, Jesus, what a deal!"

I don't know how he was able to breathe, or sing, or do anything other than cry out in extreme discomfort in these slacks, but then again, Steve Perry is magical and can pretty much do anything that would make lesser men throw in the towel. Also, his bad ass factor is upped to infinity with the addition of that fly-as-shit white coat. Take a long look, kids. You're staring at sheer perfection.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Thanksgiving, Steve Perry-Style

Well, kids, it's that time of year again. I alluded to it in this post. Steve Perry has been prepping for it for the past month. That's right! It's time for the 53rd Annual Perry-riffic Thanksgiving Day Extravaganza!

Now I could describe this event to you in painstaking detail, but I figured you might more clearly get the picture if I just threw up a few videos that let you visually get a feel for what's going down on Thursday.

It starts with a little of this:


Is sprinkled with a little of this:


Mixed with a little of this:


And all of it's heavily covered with a thick layer of this:


Anybody who has ever attended this fiesta has reported as never being so glad that the pilgrims made landfall on our fair soil as they were when they were at that party. So pass the cranberry sauce, load your plate up with turkey, and let's all give thanks for friends, family, discovering new worlds, and Steve Perry. Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Steve Perry Video of the Day


If you've ever found yourself staring at a crappy, run-down building and thought, "Gee, I sure wish Steve Perry would appear to look pensive and provide some background music while I contemplate how this building is symbolic of the fall of mankind," then LOOK NO FURTHER! This music video is for you, brother! Bonus: there are also gratuitous behind-the-scenes shots of Steve Perry's glorious man-hair. You're welcome.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Steve Perry and Journey Reuniting?

There's a rumor going around that Steve Perry asked to rejoin Journey. You can either read the story via the link above, or just read my paraphrase:

Steve Perry: OMG! Can I join Journey again?

Neal Schon: Hells naw, bitch, that ship's done sailed.

As majestic as it would be to have the Journey of yore together again, I call shenanigans. Why? Because Steve Perry is busy enough as it is being way too much of a badass. In addition to battling Jon Bon Jovi, 2010 has seen him rocking the shit out of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, cleaning his house with the help of his woodland friends, and entertaining a bromance with Neal Schon. And that's not even the tip of the iceberg. Currently, he's planning his 53rd Annual Perry-riffic Thanksgiving Day Extravaganza (complete with his very own personal Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade!), and he helped a helpless old woman assemble her curio cabinet. So you see, he has way more awesome stuff to do than rejoin a band who peaked in the 80s. But hey, if this turns out to be true, and he does end up fronting Journey again, you know I'll be first in line for tickets.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Halloween! Candy! Costumes! Steve Perry!

Ah, Halloween. The one day of the year where it's perfectly acceptable to indulge in our deluded fantasies about being Dick Tracy and beg our neighbors for candy like a bum. In a massive race to see who can come down with Type 2 Diabetes the fastest, we shovel candy, cookies and other Halloween treats by the fistful into our pie-holes, only to experience a stark crash and subsequent sugar coma that we could never hope to replicate on our best days. It's a magical holiday.

Steve Perry is no stranger to Halloween revelry. His costume parties are part of San Francisco legend, notorious for flirting with death and dismemberment. Guests play Bobbing for Apples Without Razor Blades (the first person to bite into a razor-free apple wins!), Russian Roulette, Real Life Minesweeper, and Twister. Winner of the costume contest gets to have sex with Steve at his discretion, and Halloween-themed finger foods and cocktails are bountiful. This guy is also there. It's invitation-only, and the prestige that comes with being personally summoned by Steve Perry outweighs the risk to life and limb. In layman's terms, it's a fucking awesome party.

Now you may be asking yourself, "Who or what is Steve Perry dressing up as this year? I can't really see him as being anything other than his bad ass self." Well, Friend, Steve actually shares that same exact sentiment, which is why he goes as Steve Perry every single year. He even went as Steve Perry when he was a kid because even back then he knew he was hot shit. You see, he doesn't feel the need to play pretend because he is the apex of everything wondrous and cool. Everything else--witches, wizards, princesses, devils, ghosts, every other costume in existence--is just blah. So in honor of Steve Perry and Halloween, I present to you Steve Perry's top 5 Steve Perry costumes:

Pensive Steve Perry--Halloween 1984


Color Block Steve Perry--Halloween 1982

Ironically Grunge Steve Perry--Halloween 1994

Steve Perry in a Woman's Blouse--Halloween 1979

Asian Sleeveless T-Shirt Steve Perry--Halloween 1979

Happy Halloween!

All pictures from here.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Steve Perry Sing-Along!



Does the fact that you weren't there to partake in Steve Perry's sing-along painfully eat away at your soul? And if you were there, I hate you. Not really. But kinda. I don't hate Lara Hartley, though, because she sent me this link. So thanks, Lara.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Surprise!

In my previous post, I revealed that I would be going out of town, but when I came back, I would have a surprise for the blog. Well, I am back, which means that it's time to hold up my promise. But first, a back story:

Yesterday, I got back from an extended weekend in Pasadena, California, where I was visiting some friends. Since the last time I laid eyes on southern California I was a year old, I wanted to see all the cool, touristy things in L.A., one of which was the Hollywood Walk of Fame. As my friend and I were walking up and down the boulevard, living just to find emotion (see what I did there?) we stumbled across this little gem:


SURPRISE! It's the mother freaking Journey star, peeps! I saw it in the flesh, and photographically documented it for your ocular pleasure! And just so you know I'm for reals and not a lying whore, I also took a picture of me posing with the star.

You'll also notice that in true Journey-dork form, I am rocking the Journey t-shirt I procured back in May. Photographic evidence for the win! Speaking of being honest, I should also disclose that when I say we "stumbled upon" the Journey star, what I really mean is I found its address and obsessively dragged my poor friend up and down the boulevard until we found it. But wait! That's not all! As we were walking through the Ripley's Believe It or Not museum, we came across a display of unused concert tickets from classic rock n' roll acts and guess what I saw?

Word! It was a Jouney-riffic trip to the Hollywood Boulevard, and the only thing that could have made it sweeter was if there were a Steve Perry wax figure at Madame Tussauds. But beggars can't be choosers, am I right or am I right?

Okay, I realize that this "surprise" may be a little anti-climactic, especially since I already uploaded the photo of the Journey star to Twitter while in California. I also realize that all of my "surprises" I've posted on this blog have probably been disappointing and a waste of time, and for that I wish I could I say I am sorry, but I'm really not. Whaddya want from me? Like the "about me" says, I'm just a girl who loves me some Steve Perry and Journey. That's it. I have no magic powers, or a rich and powerful sugar daddy who could grant my every wish. (Although I am taking applications. And when I say, "I am taking applications," I mean I'm taking applications from Mike Rowe or Curtis Stone or Rob Dyrdek. Word up on that.) I do what I can, and if that means dashing your hopes with mediocrity, then so be it. I still saw and touched the Journey star, though, so nanny nanny boo boo.

Edit: I had to add Rob Dyrdek to my list of potential sugar daddies because I'm always talking about how I want to marry him, and as my friend Taylor pointed out, I made the gross mistake of leaving him out. She said that by doing so, I just ruined any chances of Rob Dyrdek stumbling upon my blog and crossing me off of his list of potential sugar daddy recipients. When I said that he probably doesn't make a list, she said that he did because he was like a Sugar Daddy Santa Claus and he will cross me off his list. She said that by reminding me of this mistake and making sure I rectified it, she just saved Rob's and my marriage and that was maid of honor material. I have to agree.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Steve Perry At a Baseball Game

Starting tomorrow, I will be going out of town for a week, and when I come back, I will hopefully have a surprise for the blog. In the meantime, I will post a pic that's been floating around all over the interwebs. You guys have probably seen it by now, but I don't care.

Pictured: Steve Perry enjoying him some San Francisco Giants baseball while talking the ear off of the person next to him who clearly doesn't give a crap and oblivious to the kid on his other side with the creepy hand sticking out of his baseball mitt. First of all, what the fuck is up with that kid's baseball mitt? I know it's a fake hand (if it is indeed a hand), but still, what is the point of owning a mitt with a hand already inside of it? And the hand isn't even in the right way! At first I was creeped out, but the more I fixate on the pointlessness of that getup, the more annoyed I become. I mean, seriously, whose bright idea was it to construct a baseball glove with a hand already inside and inside the wrong way? And who would buy such a thing? Stupid world, I tell ya.

Secondly, the person who Steve is talking to better recognize. Steve is clearly an engaged and active participant in the conversation, and the other person looks like he's thinking, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, shut yer trap, Ponytail Boy, and let me enjoy my beer and baseball in peace and frigging QUIET!" Does that person know that he is being graced by the one, the only, the GREAT Steve Perry? The man who can give PIOs to the entire United States of America simultaneously while eating a Stouffer's macaroni and cheese frozen dinner?
The man Obama admits to having had a sex dream about without reservation?* That Steve Perry?! That person should be praising God on high that Steve decided to spend a few moments of his precious time on him! Steve could be doing a lot more fun and important things like saving pandas and winning Rubik's Cube contests, but he chose instead to kindly give that person the gift of his company and conversation. And that person doesn't even appreciate it.

Thirdly, what you don't see is that this is actually a picture of Steve being a complete and total badass. Don't believe me? Look at where his seats are. They're okay, but they're not the greatest seats in the stadium. If he wanted to, Steve Perry probably could have gotten a seat in the damn dugout with the team, but he opted out of using his celebrity to get sweet seats and instead chose to watch the game with the rest of the plebes. It's been reported that he even sang along with "Don't Stop Believin'!" Wait, what's that you said? Can you repeat it, please? I can't hear you over the sound of Steve Perry's AWESOMENESS.


*not really

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Steve Perry Video of the Day


Sent to me by a reader, this is another video of Steve getting all crazy on a concert-goer who throws a bottle at Neal Schon and makes contact, causing him to bleed (5:47). Note that this is a different occasion than the one documented in this post. Personally, I think it's sweet how worked-up Steve gets. Very knight-in-shining-armor-meets-Clark-Griswold-meltdown.

Reason #9,548,742 Why Steve Perry is a God Among Men


He literally shits rainbows and children's laughter. And it does smell like roses.

*Image from Something Awful

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Steve Perry Video of the Day

I think I'm going to make this a regular feature on LOMFON. I mean, writing about Steve Perry's greatness and glorious man-hair is one thing, but watching it in action is an entirely different beast. If you think about it, reading about Steve Perry is the equivalent of trying pot for the first time: it's probably shitty weed, but since it's your first experience and you don't know any better, it's the single greatest high of your life. Watching Steve, however, is like smoking quality weed: the high you get is more like a religious experience. I'm guessing. The extent of my knowledge of marijuana is gleaned entirely from watching Weeds, bumming a drag off a joint from a gay man in Miami, and purchasing a $20 "dime" bag from a man at a gas station who offered me a bite of his donut.

So for the very first video in this series, I present to you...the video equivalent of shitty marijuana. I'm sorry. This is just the audio recording of Steve Perry's tirade after someone in the audience of this particular concert hit him in the head with something. Think of it as the Christian Bale rant of the eighties. But it's still fun to listen to because it sounds like Steve lays the friggin' smack down on that sumbitch.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Fact or Fiction?


Steve Perry is a glorious bastard.

Hell yes Steve Perry is a glorious bastard, and you should be thanking your lucky stars every day that you get to live on the same planet as him. Every time you admire the moon or the stars, Steve Perry could be looking at that exact same scene. Doesn't that just blow your frigging mind? And if you're one of the elite few that's gotten to meet him, then look out. You've already pushed your luck far enough, so be prepared to be struck by lightning or hit by a train or something. It's all gotta even out, boos.

Let's all take a moment out of our sad and pathetic lives to reflect on Steve Perry's awesomeness and the fact that even when he's wearing a red coat and busting out the finger bang, he still looks cooler than you.

P.S. Brett and David are still alive. Their hair looks like shit, though. They got lucky this time.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Public Journey in a Barbershop

A reader emailed me yesterday about his recent experience with Public Journey in a barbershop. I thought it was pretty funny, so I decided to share it here. Man, I wish I were a fly on the wall when this happened...

About a month ago I was in Tim's Barbershop getting my haircut, and it was just me and the barberlady, (which is unusually slow for the place). Normally they have the dozen or two TV's on in there tuned to sports games, but that day the TV's were off and the radio was on (probably because it was slow).

Faithfully comes on, and you know I'm about to make a joke about that Steve Perry and his handsome man hair when the barberlady starts quietly singing the song. And so I think she's just going to sing the few opening lines, but instead she sings the whole song, every word of it, including the whoa-oh-oh-oh's at the end. And I couldn't be all ironic and snarky about it because she was really feelin' it, I mean, downright melancholy as she sang the song.

In honor of the barberlady, let's sing together, shall we?

Whoa-oh-oh-oh

Faithfully!

Whoa-oh-oh-oh

I am yooouuurrrsss

Faithfuleeee!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Don't Make Steve Perry Angry


You wouldn't like him when he's angry. In addition to people talking shit about his mom, the thing Steve hates the most in this world are when so-called Journey fans fail to list Journey or a Journey album on a "favorites" list. It doesn't even have to be an official "favorites" list, like those found on VH1; you could simply be shooting the shit with your friends, or sending out a fun email list to co-workers. But if you're a Journey fan, and don't include Journey on your list, you will anger Steve Perry. Folks, when Steve gets angry, like really angry, you have reason to be afraid. It is literally a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformation. When Steve gets wind of a Journey fan failing to give Journey any sort of respect or mention, he will hunt them down and fuck them up. And not in a sexual way. There have been reports where victims of his wrath have been left blind and their hair transformed into something that Don King would sport. It's not pretty, okay?

I have to confess something to you guys. I am scared. Brett, a good friend of mine, recently posted a "15 Albums" list on Facebook, and he forgot to include to Journey in the 15. This is big-time, serious stuff, people! I am terrified that Steve Perry is going to visit him at some point in the next 24-48 hours and fuck him up (let me repeat: NOT in a sexual way)! I'm also kind of jealous that he'll get to meet Steve Perry, but it's a small amount in comparison to my terror. You could say the ratio of my terror to my jealousy is 90:10. Okay, more like 80:20, but still. I'm more terrified than jealous. If Brett comes out of this with only a Don King hair makeover, he should consider himself lucky. I doubt it, though. I'll keep you guys updated as to whether or not he's still alive.

P.S. He's still alive--for now.
P.P.S. I just realized something else! My friend David forgot to include Journey on his "15 Albums" list, too! Crap. Shit just got real.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Journey: The Rocumentary

A reader recently sent me the link to this YouTube channel of Journey spoofs. While the music video spoofs are funny, what really had me LOL-ing was this mock rocumentary:


What really won me over? The brief flash of a Jonathan Taylor Thomas pinup with the confession,"Steve Perry is my real father." Brings me back to the days when JTT posters were plastered all over my walls and BOP magazines littered my bedroom. Ah, 2006. Okay, okay--it was really 1997. You got me. And the touch of Journey mixed in with said former child star-slash-tween heartthrob? Genius. Although Steve Perry will always be the Lover of Many, Father of NONE, I do wish he really were JTT's father. That would just be...taneriffic ('cause they're both tan, get it?).

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Seen and Heard

Actually I'm cheating with this one, because I neither saw or heard this particular instance of "Public Journey" (which is what I'm officially nicknaming the magical occurrence of randomly hearing Journey music in public places), but it happened and there were pictures. Last week was student move in day at the university where I work, and apparently the university's ensemble band played "Don't Stop Believin'" in the lobby of one of the dorms to welcome the students and get them pumped up for the coming academic year.

This officially makes the university where I work the most awesome university in the USA--perhaps the world even. This even makes it cooler than my alma mater, which I thought could do no wrong. It should be mandatory that every school, whether it's a university or a primary school, have some sort of assembly in the mornings where "Don't Stop Believin'" is played at the end, right before the start of classes, to get the students pumped up. I guarantee you that if this happened, grades and student behavior would improve, drug use would decrease, and bullies would be rendered obsolete because this song has the fuckin' power to improve the human condition and bring people together.

Spread the word, people! Let's start our journey to bring Journey to our schools (see what I did there?).

Friday, August 20, 2010

Farewell, Sweet Summer

So as we're enjoying these last fleeting weeks of sweet, sweet summer and getting ready to usher in the fall, there's probably one burning question on everyone's minds: how did Steve Perry spend his summer?

The short answer is, he spent it being way more awesome than you. That is not intended to hurt your feelings; it is simply a cold, hard fact. The long answer is thus:

Steve Perry's summer was way better than yours. If you could combine ten of your most awesome summers with a Snoop Dogg music video and sprinkle in a generous helping of LSD, it still would not compare to even a day of Steve Perry's summer. Steve kicked off the season with a trip to the wilds of Africa in which he wrestled a pack of lions--for fun. He then went on to be honored as chief of a remote African tribe, nursed an orphaned tiger cub (yes, you read that right) and did, in fact, trip on a bit of LSD under the wide open African night sky in which the stars twinkled like diamonds. When he got back stateside, he took a few ladies up to his love lair, held his annual Fourth of July bash, rehabilitated a handicapped baby dolphin (which now resides in his personal aquarium, by the way--its name is Sherrie) and saw Journey live in concert, just to see if he was missing anything (he wasn't). Oh, and he also experienced ten of your most awesome summers combined, made a cameo in a Snoop Dogg music video and did another round of LSD. With Snoop Dogg. And Sherrie. The baby dolphin, not Sherrie Swafford.

So...what did you do this summer?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Fact or Fiction?


Ashton Kutcher started the trucker hat trend.

Nope. Wrong. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Unless you're blind (in which case, what are you doing on a computer and how the hell did you get here?!), you can clearly see in the above picture that it was Steve Perry who made the trucker hat cool long before Mr. Demi Moore. Which, considering that Steve is the ambassador of all things cool, trendy, hip, bad ass and lame things which he makes cool, trendy, hip, and bad ass, it's no big surprise. Ashton's foray into trucker hats was just a pathetic attempt to emulate something Steve Perry did, and considering how awesome this photo is just makes Ashton's attempt look like that time America tried to bring "Coupling" to its audiences and failed miserably.

P.S. Screen cap provided by the lovely Lara Hartley.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Talkin' 'Bout Man-Hair

Honestly, I can't say anything that hasn't already been said about Steve Perry's man-hair, but when I saw this photo, I thought, Day-um! I do believe this might be one of the best photos that show off the 'ol mane--and I think Steve knows it too. Just look at his face. It says, "Yes, you are staring at perfection. God, it's good to be me." Bastard.

Let's all take a few moments to admire these gorgeous tresses and curse our crap hair. Because no matter how much we wash it, no matter how many fine products we put it in it, it will indeed look like crap next to Steve Perry's.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

What Would I Do If I Ever Met Steve Perry?

As I mentioned in this post last month, there are a few people with whom I keep in touch quite frequently via email. Our conversations are mainly about Steve Perry, Journey, music in general, Steve Perry, Steve Perry, and Steve Perry. And since some of us in the group are writers, we may link to a piece we've written if we think the others might enjoy it. But every so often, the question of, "What would we do if we ever got the chance to actually meet Steve Perry?" comes up, and my answer is always the same: get a photo op of the two of us doing something completely random and/or ridiculous that's in keeping with this blog. Examples include, but are not limited to, the following:

-Steve and I playing either Connect Four or Battleship
-Steve and I singing a duet at some hole-in-the-wall karaoke bar (The trashier the bar, the better!)
-Steve and I frolicking in a field with adorable puppies (I'm crazy allergic to felines. Sorry, cat lovers.)
-Steve and I getting matching tattoos
-Steve and I in a heated discussion concerning the "Who shot J.R.?" episode of Dallas
-Steve and I painting each other's faces (I want mine to be a tiger--rawr!)

Out of all of those examples, I like the matching tattoos the best. In fact, I like it so much, that I'm going to answer definitively, if I ever met Steve Perry, I'd get pictorial evidence of us getting matching tattoos. Currently, I don't have any tattoos, because there's nothing that I really want on my body permanently, but you can bet your sweet bippy that if an opportunity to get matching tats with Steve Perry ever presented itself, I'd jump on it faster than a cougar on Taylor Lautner.

I can just picture it: It's Monday morning. I'm drinking some coffee and trying to put off going to work for as long as humanly possible. I check my email and see a message from a sender named Steve Perry. It reads: "SVB, you're a cool chick. I think we should meet and get matching tattoos. You in or you out?" I'd be in, Steve. I'd be in so hard, you wouldn't even see it coming, even though you were looking for it. And I realize that last sentence sounds a little naughty, but whatever. You know what I mean.

Now, what kind of tattoos would we get? At first I thought about maybe getting LOMFON (this blog's initials), but quickly nixed the idea. That's giving this blog waaaayyyy too much credit. While it's a fun time-waster, it's not tattoo-worthy. At all.

Then I thought about one of us getting "Don't Stop" and the other getting "Believin'" so that when we put them together, it reads, "Don't Stop Believin'." Kind of like when a couple has twins but can only afford to keep one, but before getting rid of the other, they give them each half a pendant, so when fate brings the twins together later on in life and they see that their halves fit perfectly together, they realize they're long-lost siblings and have an emotional reunion. But that didn't seem right either.

And then I thought, why not go old school and get tats of each other's names? So that's what I decided on. If Steve Perry and I get matching tattoos, it'll be of each other's names. I'll get one on the inside of my wrist that says "Steve Perry" and he'll get one on the inside of his that says "SVB." It'll make people wonder: are we lovers? Are we secretly married? Did we start a singing duet? And then we'll laugh and say, none of the above. We're just pals.

And, like I said before, there would be pictorial evidence, mainly so I could post it here and verify my claim that yes, Steve Perry and I actually got matching tattoos. (Although now that I think about it, getting tats of each other's names doesn't necessarily constitute as matching, but whatever.)

P.S. Also, the tattoos we'd get would be ambigrams because those are too cool for school.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Crotch Shot of the Day!

So I've been thinking, what better way to drag myself out of my staycation coma than with a rousing discussion about Steve's nethers? What, you agree? You think it's a great idea? This is why we're friends.

Oh, Steve. SteveSteveSteveSTEVE. Why do you do this to yourself, man? I mean, look at you in this picture--you're hunched over in PAIN! Sure, you may say it's because you're just feelin' the music, but come on--we know the truth. Those nut-crunchers are painful. Just admit it. I mean, we can all see it. Admitting that your boys are in agony doesn't make you a weak man; it makes you honest.

Tell me, Steve--did you have to ice down, your, you know, area after that performance? Or did you just drink the pain away?

*Picture from the Steve Perry gallery on Picasa: http://picasaweb.google.com/SteveeePerry

Friday, July 9, 2010

Question of the Day

Would you trust your skin to Sherrie Swafford?

Yes, that Sherrie Swafford. Not too long ago, I was tipped off by an anonymous* comment on this post that "Oh Sherrie" had a skin care line. After scouring the web and consulting KGB to find more information (KGB text: "It is rumored that Sherrie Swafford does have a skin care line, but no information can be found where to get it."), all I managed to come up with was this Yahoo! directory listing. That's it. No website with fancy graphics and an online store. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Just a directory listing of a salon out in Bakersfield, California that could quite possibly be Sherrie's salon, which leads me to believe that it's a small operation. The listing does have a picture, though--what do you think? I think it could be her.

But back to the question at hand. Assuming that the salon in Bakersfield does belong to Steve Perry's ex, and assuming you're actually in Bakersfield to visit it, would you buy any of her products? The one review on the directory claims that they're good products. Know what my answer would be?

HELL YES! People, this is a skin care line by Sherrie Swafford. The Sherrie Swafford who dated Steve Perry back in the day, the Sherrie Swafford who was so close to his perfect complexion she could touch it. Or kiss it. Or swipe some DNA to use in some future capacity, which it looks like she has. Guys, you know what's really in those little jars and bottles that stock the shelves of that salon in Bakersfield? Steve Perry Complexion DNA. Sherrie has found a way to harness it, mass produce it and share it with the world, so we can all dip our toes in Steve's personal Fountain of Youth. Or at least the citizens in Bakersfield can, anyway. This is the single greatest contribution to society, ever, which is why I think Ms. Swafford should be awarded the Nobel Prize in BETTERING THE FREAKING WORLD. But before she can win that award, she needs to share it with the freaking world. So, Sherrie, what gives? Why you holding out on the rest of us, boo?

So tell me--would you trust your skin to Sherrie?


*Actually, I think I know who the comment was from, but since they posted it anonymously, I don't want to "out" them if they don't want to be "outed," know what I'm sayin'?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

A Hairy Situation

The other day, my friend Taylor heard on the radio that Jon Bon Jovi was voted as having the best hair of the eighties. Now I don't know who participated in the vote or how official it is, but I do know that it is some bullshit because everybody knows that Steve Perry had the best hair of the eighties, the nineties and today. I actually think that Jesus proclaimed that Steve had the best hair shortly before turning the water into wine at that wedding, but somehow that little detail got left out of the New Testament. Anyway, apparently Steve thought it was bullshit too, so he called Jon and they battled it out as only men with cool man-hair can do.

The battle took place in the private salon on Steve's property, 5000 square feet of the best shampoos, conditioners, serums, and flat irons money can buy. It also has plenty of space, so that Steve could throw dance parties in it if he ever got the inkling. Or kick someone's ass as was the case in this situation.

Jon arrived wearing a getup that looked akin to Van Helsing's costume. His weapons of choice were a jumbo can of Aqua Net, which everybody knows can shellac everything from your hair to a baby monkey, and a family-size bottle of John Frieda's Frizz-Ease. Amateur. Steve knew that it would be an easily-won fight, but decided to humor Jon so he could lose with dignity. His weapons of choice were ultra-hold gel (the kind that turns your hair into plastic), a blow-drier that blew air at speeds that weren't legal, and a flat-iron. His outfit of choice? This one.

Jon looked Steve up and down and smirked. "You might as well quit now, old man," he said. "Bon Jovi doesn't fight fair."

"Bon Jovi is the name of your band," responded Steve. "Is your entire band here? Nope. It's just you and me, son, so you better start referring to yourself as Jon."

"Bon Jovi is my last name," Jon replied.

"I thought it was Bongiovi," Steve said.

"Your mom's name is Bongiovi."

"You sonofabitch!" Steve screamed. Jon had crossed a line. NOBODY talked about Steve's mother like that, and those who did elicited an angry reaction of Hulk-like proportions. Quick as a cat, he pointed the blow-drier at Jon and turned it on, sending his opponent careening to the opposite end of the salon. Stunned and shaky, John got to his knees.

"Go ahead! Say something else about my mom! Go ahead!" Steve taunted.

Jon quickly got his bearings and raced back to Steve, pulling out the can of Aqua Net. He aimed, and hit Steve squarely on the forehead and shellaced his face for fifteen minutes.

"Hahaha! Your face is frozen, sucka!" Jon yelled triumphantly, doing the Dance of Joy victoriously. Watching Steve careening around the salon in confusion, he grinned wickedly as he pulled out the Frizz-Ease and prepared to squirt it all over the ground with the intent that Steve would slip, fall, and lose.

"Get ready to kiss that precious title good-bye," he said, shaking the Frizz-Ease bottle for nothing more than dramatic effect. "By the way--your hair looks like a cheap weave."

Suddenly Steve stopped careening, and in one fluid motion took out his bottle of ultra-hold gel and squired Jon mercilessly until he turned into plastic and fell over backwards.

"Silly boy, you can't freeze my face," he said, towering over the lifeless Jon and removing the hairspray which had congealed into some sort of mask. "It's like butter. And while I will always and forever hold the title of best hair, don't stop believin'. These battles liven up my day. Also, you just got Journey-ed."

With that, he packed up Plastic Jon and shipped him back to Richie Sambora, who, upon opening the package, curled up in the fetal position on his bathroom floor, stuck his thumb in his mouth, and stayed in that position for three days. When he finally emerged from his self-inflicted coma, he found Jon, once again human, chain-smoking crack and shaking. Neither one had anything to do with Steve Perry ever again.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Question of the Day

How awesome would it be if Peeps issued a Steve Perry Peep?

This isn't even a yes or no question because no doubt about it, a Steve Perry Peep would be awesome as hell. Anybody who thinks otherwise is a douchebag. However, just how awesome it would be is up for debate. I don't even like Peeps, but if they came out with a Steve Perry Peep, I'd spend most of my disposable income buying as much of those little bastards as humanly possible. Just imagine: the glorious man-hair (in marshmallow form)! The vintage Journey outfit! The fact that it's a fucking STEVE PERRY PEEP! Wait a minute, I think I just--yeah. I just had an idea.

What if they came out with Peeps of the whole damn band?

People, this needs to happen. We need to get in touch with Peeps Corporation or Peeps Company or whoever the hell it is that makes Peeps and request Journey Peeps.

What outfits would you like to see the Steve Perry Peep rock? How 'bout the rest of the band?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Yo, Peep 'Dis!

First off, my apologies to anyone who read the title of this post and got all excited, thinking we were about to embark on a fantastical journey (see what I did there?) to the land of the marshmallow treats. Sorry, boo. Go to the grocery store to get your fix. Secondly, I've been meaning to update this blog, but my laziness and Discovery Health documentaries like "The Woman With 15 Personalities" keep distracting me (and I'm sorry, but not even Steve Perry can compete with a woman who has 15 personalities). Luckily, I'm blessed to have a circle of email pals (pen pals of the 21st century, get with the program, people) who a) love Steve Perry just as much as I do, b) are excellent writers and c) sometimes choose to combine the two. One such email pal, Lara, has posted her own Steve Perry essay on her site, Lara's Lane. In addition to being a Steve Perry lover and an excellent writer (which makes her super cool, by the way), she is also a photographer. And, incidentally, she did write a story about Peeps.

Another email pal of mine, Ross Muir of Fabrications, (who is also super cool), just issued a third edition of an eBook he wrote, called One in a Million-A Vocal Analysis of The Voice. For those of you having a hard time keeping up, it's an eBook about Steve Perry. You can download it here.

And, finally, if you haven't done so yet (even though I've linked to it dozens of times--well, maybe not DOZENS, but a few times), check out Chosen Madness, written by yet another super-cool email pal of mine, Deb. It is her own analysis and hyperbole about Steve Perry.

And just because I know you're still not satisfied:


Thursday, June 17, 2010

Takin' it to the Next Level


Hey guys, remember back when I was all about Steve Perry and Neal Schon having a secret bromance and that their "fight" was nothing but a publicity stunt? (See also here and here.) Remember how I also said that after posting that trifecta of IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE I would shut my yap about the subject once and for all? Boy, that sure was funny, right? Good times, yes? And you really didn't want me to shut my yap about it, right? You enjoyed my conspiracy theory, right?

I knew you would. Which is why I'm flappin' my gums about it yet again. You're welcome.

What if Steve and Neal's friendship turned out to be more than just platonic man-love? What if they took their relationship to the next level? You know what I'm talkin' 'bout. I'm talkin' 'bout l-o-v-e. Luurve. Man-love of the non-platonic variety. What if Steve and Neal got all romantical on us? Personally, I think it would be the single greatest love story of our time. It would rival the likes of The Notebook. Love Story. Sleepless in Seattle. Except it would be REAL. Doesn't that concept just blow your frigging mind? Now imagine them taking it to the next step and getting MARRIED. Woah. Just--woah. Their wedding would rival the late Princess Diana's in popularity and overall awesomeness. In fact, I think Steve would grow out his man-hair and don that red flowy blouse he wore in the "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" video just for the occasion. At the reception, he'd serenade Neal with a tearful and particularly touching rendition of "Missing You." The cast of Glee would be the main entertainment. Elton John would have to rewrite "Candle in the Wind" yet again. And yeah, smartasses, I know "Candle in the Wind"--both versions--are about people who have died. But Elton would rewrite it so that the song would accurately reflect the occasion--Neal and Steve's love.

Now just hold up and relax, all you women who harbor fantasies about being Steve Perry's single greatest love in the history of the universe! I'm not saying Steve's gay. I'm just saying that he might be a little gay for Neal. And if he was, would you be able to live with yourself if you prevented such an awesome union from forming? You wouldn't. Because that would make you an asshole. And anybody who is a fan, lover, wannabe lover, or friend of Steve Perry is most certainly not an asshole, am I right? You are just too awesome for that. Besides, look at Steve's face in that picture, at how his eyes are pleading with you to just let it happen--how could you ever deny that?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Tampa Bay Won't Stop Believin'

This photo was taken by my friend Carrie. Awesome, no? You see, we here in the Bay area (the other one) love us some Journey so much that we can't keep it to ourselves. We have to proclaim it on street signs. Some may call it graffiti; we call it love.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

How About That Glee, Hmmm?

I'll admit it: the only reason I started watching Glee in the first place was because the previews last spring had what sounded like (and what turned out to be) an awesome rendition of "Don't Stop Believin'." That's it. It featured Journey, and my line of reasoning was, any television show that incorporated Journey music (and my favorite Journey song of all time--OF ALL TIME) should at least be checked out. And that first episode did not disappoint. In addition to that rendition, Journey was featured all throughout the episode, and after it was over, I had this compulsive need to tune in every week to see what other songs and artists would be featured. During those early episodes, pretty much the only reason why I bothered watching was because of the music (because it was AWESOME, hello); as the show matured and found its stride, I started tuning in for the storytelling as well. And tonight it all culminated into one freaking delicious emotionally-charged season finale WITH Journey (well, Journey music that is--not the actual band, sorry). Friends, I think Glee just earned "must buy on DVD" status. If anything, I'm at least keeping the season finale on my DVR so I can re-watch it all summer long. Whoever composes the music for that show (and the kids who sing it) deserves a freakin' Emmy or Nobel Peace Prize or something because the covers of "Faithfully", "Anyway You Want It", "Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'" and "Don't Stop Believin'" were EPIC. I'm pretty sure Steve Perry himself cried (and gave himself a PIO--it can happen) when he watched it (because you KNOW he did--even a bad ass hermit like him has some curiousity). Don't believe me? Watch it it here (hurry, before Fox realizes this is on YouTube and takes it down)!




P.S. The show will be picked up for at least another season--I think it would be pretty cool if Steve agreed to do a cameo, like appear as the school's janitor or maybe as a celebrity judge for next year's regionals competition. What do you all think?

Monday, June 7, 2010

Secrets Revealed About The Celebrity Apprentice!


No, a hacker did not get hold of this blog and post a crazy SPAM entry. In fact, I'm pretty sure a hacker wouldn't even bother to waste his (or her) time on a crazy blog about Steve Perry because, well, what would he (or she) get out of it, really? But I digress.

So, Donald Trump has added yet another leg to his gargantuan business empire with The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice, inviting the country to watch as he whittles down the pack of contestants foaming at the mouth for the coveted position of working alongside him for a year. It's cutthroat. It's competitive. It stars Donald Trump's hair. But you know what? It's all a big business sham. You wanna know the real secret about The Apprentice franchise? Yeah, you do. You know you do. So I will tell you: Donald Trump is actually The Apprentice. And you know who he works for?

Steve Perry.

Yes, my friends, hate to break it to you, but The Trump is nothing but a puppet and Steve is the Puppet Master. He's the one who calls the shots; Donald's the one who makes things happen. I know, I know. This is just like finding out one of your good friends (or lovers) has a secret double-life and they've been playing you for a fool all these years. You might be enraged. You might want to cry. You might not actually give a damn one way or the other. Just remember this: things are never what they seem. Even the all-powerful Wizard had a man behind the curtain.

P.S. There's no rhyme or reason behind my posting that particular picture of Trump other than I thought it was funny watching him stuff his pie hole with that ice cream treat. Get it, boo!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Switching It Up

I post a lot of different versions of "Don't Stop Believin'." A lot. I can't help it. I've said time and time again that it's my favorite Journey song, as unoriginal as that is. However, I thought I'd switch it up tonight and post a video of Journey doin' their thang in Japan and performing "Still They Ride." I think this version is the download Deb over at Chosen Madness sent me earlier this month, but I couldn't open the file so I don't for sure. However, I'm gonna assume that it's this version, as she's linked to this video a couple times from her Twitter account. So without further ado, feast your ears and eyes on a performance that's as old as I am and get ready to have a PIO. You're welcome.

Edit: Oh, sheeyit! Just got an email from Deb saying the download she sent me was the whole mo' fuggin' Budokan concert! Maybe, just maybe, if I can get the file open and unzipped and figure out how to post sound files on here, I will post some of the songs! How 'bout dat, eh?


Monday, May 17, 2010

Now, Get Ready to Get Jealous

You have to read the title of this post in your best Mike Rowe voice to get it. Anyway, something is different about me. Can you guess what it is?



Why yes, I am rocking a vintage-inspired Journey concert t-shirt! How good of you to notice! You like? More importantly, are you jealous? (Just add to my inflated sense of self-worth and say yes.)


My friend Ali and I spotted this baby this past weekend at Hot Topic on a shopping excursion during which, ironically, we were complaining about how stores seem to be carrying t-shirts for every musician and band under the sun except Journey. There were only a few left, but they were in our sizes. Forget the theological and scientific debates--this is proof that God exists. And don't worry--as much as I want you guys to be envious and hate me just a little for owning such a sweet article of clothing, the part of me that has a conscience wants you to be able to experience the thrill of owning one yourselves. So go here or visit your local Hot Topic if you just have to get your grubby little paws on a shirt, like, now.

Boob, Leg or Ass Man?

I'm actually in the process of writing up a post designed to make all you mofos jealous of yours truly, but in the meantime I thought I'd post this snippet I found on Chosen Madness because it's hilarious (jump to 1:31):


That, my friends, is Steve Perry openly ogling the mammaries of some chick whilst serenading her on an episode of Midnight Special, and answering the age-old question (well, next to the boxers-or-briefs debacle) of whether he's a boob, leg or ass man. Steve should consider himself lucky, as the woman doesn't seem to be offended; had it been any other man, though, she would have had none of it. Which brings to mind another question: Ladies, if you ever met Steve Perry and decided to chat him up, would you be offended if his eyes kept wandering below the neck, or would you tweet/blog/post on Facebook something along the lines of, "OH MY GOD, STEVE PERRY KEPT CHECKING OUT MY TITS! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!"?

Friday, May 7, 2010

Friday Videos!

Actually it's just one video, sorry. I'm a lying whore. But it's a good one, so that makes up for it, right? RIGHT? Anyway, I thought I'd kick the weekend off on a more mellow and relaxing note here on LOMFON and post a video my friend Brett shared with me. It's a cover of "Don't Stop Believin'," and I do believe it's my favorite cover so far. Yes, I like it even more than the Glee cover, because this version I think sounds like what the song is about--people who are lonely and in need of some lovin' so they partner up with the first available person they meet and love on them for a night. The melancholy vibe of this particular cover captures that desperation. And it manages to romanticize it, so when you listen to the song, you don't think, "Wow, a one-night stand. How whorish and desperate." In short--I think this cover gets it. Don't get me wrong, the original still is and will always be my favorite, but when you stop and think what the song is really about, Journey's version is a little too rocktastic. Not that there's anything wrong with that, though.



Monday, May 3, 2010

Fact or Fiction?


Steve Perry has a "love lair" aboard the International Space Station.

Fact. Now is as good a time as any to let the cat out of the bag, I guess. For a number of years, Steve Perry has had a private residence on board the International Space Station ("because Earth feels too confining sometimes"--his words, not mine). And within his private residence is his very own love lair, complete with all the Tang and freeze-dried ice cream you can consume. The few ladies who have been lucky enough to visit the lair liken it to Studio 54--except it's in space, and it's Journey, not disco, that is blasting from the speakers. The sexual experiences that these women are said to have had in that room are literally out of this world. It's that erotic, that mind-blowing, that the human body simply can't handle it within the gravitational confines of the planet Earth. Don't believe me? Remember that one astronaut chick who drove all the way from Texas to Florida in a diaper because she was all crazy and lovestruck and shit? It was because she got a little taste of some Steve Perry lovin' in space and wanted more, which brings me to another important point: Steve has to be extra cautious who he decides to sex up in the lair. Some people just can't handle it.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

More Evidence of World Domination

Earlier this year, I posted a story about a company that was selling an album comprised entirely of Journey songs re-worked as lullabies. My friend Brian told me about that little ray of genius, and a few months ago he sent me another link to the same website. The topic? 3 Reasons Your Kids Will Dig Journey. It's a well-written piece, basically saying (nicely, of course) that any parent who decides to introduce Journey to their children early on are doing the entire world a friggin' service by ensuring their offspring will be cooler and in general more awesome than kids who were not exposed, but my point in posting it here is not to get into a discussion about those benefits. This is the second Journey-related article I've read on this website, and look at the subsequent stories it links to: they are all about Journey! What's my point? It's simple: the lullabye CD. The benefits kids will get from Journey exposure. The multiple Journey-related articles. Do I have to spell it out for you? DO I?!

Fine. This is more evidence of Steve Perry's side of the Steve Perry/Steve Jobs world-domination plan. It's more lethal than we originally thought, people. Not only are they preying on Journey/Steve Perry fans and Apple aficionados, but they're targeting people in the womb.

When this big and sexy monster is unleashed fully on us unsuspecting mofos, it's going to be one hell of a perfectly-pitched optimal-performing ride. God help us all.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Hypnotized!


SVB is temporarily not in control of her body right now; I, Steve Perry, former frontman of Journey, am using her to communicate a very important message, for she is hypnotized, like you will soon be.

Look deep into my eyes. Do not blink. Let them penetrate you. Feel them inside of you and relish the deep, orgasmic pleasure that feeling brings. I know you really want to blink right now, but don't. I know your eyes may be burning because you really really want to blink, but don't. You will miss out on all the pleasure. Good. Now you're getting sleepy, and your defenses are shrinking. This is exactly what I want to happen. Now I have you in my complete control.

First of all, you do not believe Sarah Silverman's claim that I said the n-word during a conversation I had with her after one of her shows. How could I, Steve Perry, former frontman of Journey, say the n-word and tarnish my epic reputation? This is nothing but a fallacy Silverman has spread for comedic effect and to further her career. Believe me, she will pay.

Secondly, I am superior to Neal Schon.

Thirdly, you will go to your nearest Wal-Mart, Target or record store and purchase the re-released Essential Journey, and at precisely 5p.m. today, April 16, 2010, you will blast "Don't Stop Believin'" on high volume wherever you may be: in your car, at your desk, on your stereo at home. Don't ask why. Just do it. Once this is done I will relay to Steve Jobs the progress and work on the next phase of the plan. The fate of the world depends on your cooperation.

Fourthly, you will have a PIO in 5...4...3...2...1. Steve Perry out.


***

Wow, that was weird. Spaced out there for a moment. Hey, wait a minute! When did I by Essential Journey? And why? I already have it!!


*Picture courtesy of the Steve Perry Picasa Web Album. Special thanks to JourneyGirl for sending me the link.

Friday, April 9, 2010

An Alliance?


Remember how when the iPad came out, every Apple store in America looked like every hardware store in Florida two days before a hurricane landing? Well, you wanna know who did not have to wake up at an ungodly hour just to get a good spot in a line so he could get his supple and well-manicured hands on one of those damn machines? Yep, you guessed it--Steve Perry. If that doesn't make you green with envy and warm with a lukewarm hatred (because, let's face it, you are physically unable to fully hate SP--I mean, he's just too awesome and sexy), then this will: the man was typing, surfing the internet, and doing whatever the hell else people do with iPads a full year before the thing was released to the public. Wanna know why? (And, no, it's not because Steve Jobs is a HUGE Journey fan with a wicked man-crush on SP.)

Steve Perry and Steve Jobs have formed an alliance. More specifically, an alliance designed to take over the world and turn us into a species of Steve Perry-loving, Oh Sherrie-singing, Apple gizmo-using beings. Think about it: Steve Perry's hypnotic effect on music lovers, hair care appreciators and women. Steve Jobs' ability to make people salivate like Pavlov's dogs at the mere thought of an Apple product, new or old. Steve Perry is doing more than just reveling in how cool his new iPad is. He's using that bitch to share documents with Jobs, outlining step-by-step their execution for world domination, and setting up rendezvous with "interested persons" via his cool and sexy iPhone. We don't stand a fucking chance.

Prepare yourselves now, people, because when December 21, 2012 rolls around, the Steves will put their plan into full effect and the world as we know it will officially end. (Yep, that's why the Mayan calendar ended--they knew what was up.)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Another Juicy Reader Gem!

So this is by far the most--ahem, interesting--Steve Perry-related tidbit sent in to me by a reader. The fact that it was sent to me anonymously only adds to the mystery of the story. Is it real? Is it an urban legend? Was it written by Steve himself? Who the hell knows? What I do know is that it's hilarious, and my apologies to the writer and whoever sent this to me, because I think--I think--you guys are completely serious about wanting to get your story out to the public, and I'm openly ridiculing your earnestness. I'm. Sorry. But I still find it lol-worthy, so I'm posting it here so others may get a laugh as well.

Steve Perry: A Generous Man (yes, I am completely serious, that is the title of this piece)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Spring Cleaning



Spring cleaning. We all dread it. Packing up all the winter clothes and taking out all the spring and summer wear (except for me because I live in Florida and don't have any true winter clothes--suckas), weeding through old paperwork to figure out what you don't need, dusting--it's a pain in the ass. But we all have to do it--including Steve Perry.

Wait, what?! Even Steve Perry has to spring clean?! Isn't he a literal god among men and above having to do this type of plebeian work? Well, before your entire belief system regarding Steve Perry's infallibility and god-like status comes crashing down around you, let me elaborate--like everything else he does, the way Steve Perry conducts his spring-cleaning is way more awesome and mind-blowing than your piddly-ass Swiffer or dust buster.

Remember how Cinderella called upon the birds and chipmunks of nature to help her out with her slave labor chores? Yeah. You know where I'm going with this and are probably rolling your eyes at the injustice of it all. That is how Steve Perry spring cleans: he can summon animals to do it for him. And not just any animals--these are real-life versions of Disney animals. They can talk, they can sing, and they sparkle. I know, I know. You're confused. Your mind is blown. There's no such thing as real-life Disney animals. WRONG. They exist, but they only respond to Steve Perry. Sorry. I know you harbor the secret desire, like me, to utilize woodland creatures to help with the daily chores. You want to be able to summon talking animals to shoot the shit with once in awhile. I know. It's not fair.

How on earth does he summon these animals? All he has to do is hum--hum, not actually sing--the opening notes of any Journey/solo Steve Perry song. Really. The animals then come and join in one by one and eventually there's a full-on concert going on in his house, and cleaning being done. Except Steve doesn't clean. While the animals are busy, he cracks open a Dos Equis, sits before his vanity mirror, and brushes his flowing man-hair 100 times until it shines so brightly even he has to wear sunglasses just to look at it.

Singing, of course.

Monday, March 22, 2010

FAIL.


So ever since January, I've been planning what I would do to celebrate LOMFON's one-year anniversary. My original plan was to buy the domain name and make our little place on the web "official," but I caved and did that way back in January because it was only ten bucks and, knowing my luck, someone would have bought it. Yes, I know it's a very specific domain name, but believe me--if you counted up all the times I've gotten lucky (no, not that way, pervs) versus all the times I haven't, you'd think I would have walked under a million ladders, chilled out with hundreds upon hundreds of black cats and broke mirrors just for the hell of it. If I hadn't jumped on that deal, somebody else would have. I can feel it in my bones.

Anyway, since I bought the domain name early, my fall-back plan was to actually make some Perry Pops and photograph the journey from start to finished product. I'm sure you guys wouldn't have given two shits, but it would have been something to acknowledge the fact that this ridiculous blog has been plaguing the internet for a WHOLE YEAR now. But, one thing led to another, and when I went back to the very first post to check the date, I saw that our one-year mark passed and nothing was done to commemorate it. Epic. Fail.

Life goes on, though, and it's not too late to do a little celebrating. So buy the best hair care products on the market, pop open a bottle of bubbly and sex somebody's world up because Lover of Many, Father of None is ONE YEAR OLD! WOOOOOOO!!!! And I'm pleased to say that my reservoir of bullshit still hasn't dried up!

One year of craziness down. Many more to come. Whether you want them to or not.

P.S. Please enjoy sumo wrestler Akebono's cover of "Don't Stop Believin'" as part of the festivities. Because a mediocre milestone needs to be commemorated with a video of a fat man singing Journey. Thanks to Ross Muir for notifying me of this little gem:


Friday, March 19, 2010

TGIF!

You know what I love more than a hilariously bad cover of a Journey song? A hilariously bad DIY music video set to a Journey song! Behold, and feast your eyes on this disaster, which I guarantee you probably aired during a high school's morning news "show:"




This video has everything a low-budget, DIY production should have: an unintelligible plot; a half-assed basketball game; Mountain Dew product placement; a "motivational" poster that's really designed to break your spirit and make you want to kill yourself or get hooked on the crack; and pull-ups. I can't even begin to explain what the storyline is, but I do know one thing: there's someone working harder than you.

Happy Friday, yous guys!

Friday, March 12, 2010

More Funny Shit!



You wanna know what that is? That is Steve Perry giving me the big ol' finger because when it comes to being a smartass, I don't know dick, apparently. And before you get too excited, Steve Perry did not, in fact, make any sort of contact and actually tell me that. He didn't have to.

I was shown up by this site. In addition to poking fun at the Lover of Many, Father of None himself, it also targets his Super Fans--Perryites, I believe is the terminology for it. Every celebrity has at least one group of hard-core fans who border on creepy. These are people who will actually scout out locations where their favorite celebrity might be and go to them, hoping to catch a glimpse/get an autograph/knock him/her unconscious and take him/her back to the "love lair" they created where they plan on sexing him/her up day and night and assume the object of their obsession will be a-okay with it and not try to escape when left alone for five minutes. These are the people this website targets, and it is HIlarious.

I recommend checking out, "What the heck is this?" and, "What's an -ite? A field guide" before delving deep into this treasure. It gives a little background on this Super Fan culture and explains all the typos, so you won't think the creators are a bunch of illiterate morons. After that, the sky's the limit. My favorites are the Sims photo album and the erotic fanfic, which are lol-worthy. A note about the fanfic: even though it's hilarious and poorly written, it's still erotica, and full of naughty things, so if you're at work, or have small kidz hanging around, or appreciate fine literature, I don't recommend reading it.

It also has awesome/mildly disturbing images of Steve and a few other Journey band members like the one at the top of this post and this one:




I'll bet you could have gone your entire life without ever seeing that, am I right? Of course I am. However, after viewing it last night, I needed to bring other people into my misery, so I'm posting it here. You're welcome, internet.

I don't even care about coming in second to the genius of this site. I've never laughed so hard at something in my life. So to the fellas, ladies, mole people, crab people--whoever you are who created this masterpiece on the web--I tip my hat to you. I bow in the blinding light of your genius. I grovel at your hilarity.

P.S. Thanks to Ohthatdeb for sending me the link!