Monday, February 1, 2010

Why Steve Perry Should Freaking SPREAD THE WEALTH!

And, no, I'm not talking about wealth as in his money. It's been awhile since I've devoted a post to one of my favorite SP topics, one which also makes me seethe with jealousy--his man-hair. Last year, I argued that Pantene would do well to hire Steve to be its spokesman, because, well, let's face it: it would bring in some major moolah with the venture. I mean, who better to hock a shampoo product than the man with the greatest hair in the world? Sales would skyrocket! However, I only recently saw the flaw in this line of reasoning, and I'm ashamed to admit it took me this long. No matter how many times a commercial of Steve gets on the air touting all the hair benefits of Pantene's line of hair care products, no matter how many times you wash, or condition--you still won't get Steve Perry hair. Pantene is good, but it's not that good. The only way you'd be able to even get a tenth of the luster of Steve's majestic locks would be if he were to launch his own line of hair care products. You still wouldn't have full-blown Steve Perry hair (unless you're Portuguese and Steve Perry, which you most certainly are not), but it would be the closest you'd ever get. And even though your hair still wouldn't be able to fully compare to Steve's, it would look better than all your friends', which is just as important.

So Steve--SPREAD THE FREAKING WEALTH, BUDDY! I'd settle with just a tenth of your hair luster, as I'm sure everybody else would. You don't know it, but you're an expert on having luscious, shiny locks, and everybody would take any hair advice you dole out as gospel. This area would be a gold mine for you! And be smart and let a place like Wal-Mart or Target carry your line. It's a recession, and your fanbase is the average person who is just loving him/her some Steve Perry and Journey and can't afford to pay an arm or a leg or give up their first-born child for some Perry-ish hair. Nor should they have to. That is an opportunity that should be available to everybody, regardless of social status or income.

Thoughts as to what Steve should name his hair care line? I like Don't Stop Believin' in Good Hair. Yeah, it's a little long, but with a little graphic design magic, it'll fit. Maybe something like DSB with in Good Hair in a little font beneath it.

P.S. Like the picture? Stop on by They have a shit-load of Steve Perry desktop wallpaper!


  1. "If you looked in his shower, you wouldn't see any bottles of shampoo or conditioner. Well, you would, but you wouldn't recognize them being as such. They're marked simply magic and wonder."

    It's hard to choose, but this may be the funniest paragraph ever on LOMFON. Still cracks me up.

  2. I love discussing Steve's hair. That's my favorite topic to post on, I think. And while SP's hair line wouldn't get quite the same results as magic and wonder, it would be good enough for the average person.