Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Spring Cleaning

Spring cleaning. We all dread it. Packing up all the winter clothes and taking out all the spring and summer wear (except for me because I live in Florida and don't have any true winter clothes--suckas), weeding through old paperwork to figure out what you don't need, dusting--it's a pain in the ass. But we all have to do it--including Steve Perry.

Wait, what?! Even Steve Perry has to spring clean?! Isn't he a literal god among men and above having to do this type of plebeian work? Well, before your entire belief system regarding Steve Perry's infallibility and god-like status comes crashing down around you, let me elaborate--like everything else he does, the way Steve Perry conducts his spring-cleaning is way more awesome and mind-blowing than your piddly-ass Swiffer or dust buster.

Remember how Cinderella called upon the birds and chipmunks of nature to help her out with her slave labor chores? Yeah. You know where I'm going with this and are probably rolling your eyes at the injustice of it all. That is how Steve Perry spring cleans: he can summon animals to do it for him. And not just any animals--these are real-life versions of Disney animals. They can talk, they can sing, and they sparkle. I know, I know. You're confused. Your mind is blown. There's no such thing as real-life Disney animals. WRONG. They exist, but they only respond to Steve Perry. Sorry. I know you harbor the secret desire, like me, to utilize woodland creatures to help with the daily chores. You want to be able to summon talking animals to shoot the shit with once in awhile. I know. It's not fair.

How on earth does he summon these animals? All he has to do is hum--hum, not actually sing--the opening notes of any Journey/solo Steve Perry song. Really. The animals then come and join in one by one and eventually there's a full-on concert going on in his house, and cleaning being done. Except Steve doesn't clean. While the animals are busy, he cracks open a Dos Equis, sits before his vanity mirror, and brushes his flowing man-hair 100 times until it shines so brightly even he has to wear sunglasses just to look at it.

Singing, of course.

Monday, March 22, 2010


So ever since January, I've been planning what I would do to celebrate LOMFON's one-year anniversary. My original plan was to buy the domain name and make our little place on the web "official," but I caved and did that way back in January because it was only ten bucks and, knowing my luck, someone would have bought it. Yes, I know it's a very specific domain name, but believe me--if you counted up all the times I've gotten lucky (no, not that way, pervs) versus all the times I haven't, you'd think I would have walked under a million ladders, chilled out with hundreds upon hundreds of black cats and broke mirrors just for the hell of it. If I hadn't jumped on that deal, somebody else would have. I can feel it in my bones.

Anyway, since I bought the domain name early, my fall-back plan was to actually make some Perry Pops and photograph the journey from start to finished product. I'm sure you guys wouldn't have given two shits, but it would have been something to acknowledge the fact that this ridiculous blog has been plaguing the internet for a WHOLE YEAR now. But, one thing led to another, and when I went back to the very first post to check the date, I saw that our one-year mark passed and nothing was done to commemorate it. Epic. Fail.

Life goes on, though, and it's not too late to do a little celebrating. So buy the best hair care products on the market, pop open a bottle of bubbly and sex somebody's world up because Lover of Many, Father of None is ONE YEAR OLD! WOOOOOOO!!!! And I'm pleased to say that my reservoir of bullshit still hasn't dried up!

One year of craziness down. Many more to come. Whether you want them to or not.

P.S. Please enjoy sumo wrestler Akebono's cover of "Don't Stop Believin'" as part of the festivities. Because a mediocre milestone needs to be commemorated with a video of a fat man singing Journey. Thanks to Ross Muir for notifying me of this little gem:

Friday, March 19, 2010


You know what I love more than a hilariously bad cover of a Journey song? A hilariously bad DIY music video set to a Journey song! Behold, and feast your eyes on this disaster, which I guarantee you probably aired during a high school's morning news "show:"

This video has everything a low-budget, DIY production should have: an unintelligible plot; a half-assed basketball game; Mountain Dew product placement; a "motivational" poster that's really designed to break your spirit and make you want to kill yourself or get hooked on the crack; and pull-ups. I can't even begin to explain what the storyline is, but I do know one thing: there's someone working harder than you.

Happy Friday, yous guys!

Friday, March 12, 2010

More Funny Shit!

You wanna know what that is? That is Steve Perry giving me the big ol' finger because when it comes to being a smartass, I don't know dick, apparently. And before you get too excited, Steve Perry did not, in fact, make any sort of contact and actually tell me that. He didn't have to.

I was shown up by this site. In addition to poking fun at the Lover of Many, Father of None himself, it also targets his Super Fans--Perryites, I believe is the terminology for it. Every celebrity has at least one group of hard-core fans who border on creepy. These are people who will actually scout out locations where their favorite celebrity might be and go to them, hoping to catch a glimpse/get an autograph/knock him/her unconscious and take him/her back to the "love lair" they created where they plan on sexing him/her up day and night and assume the object of their obsession will be a-okay with it and not try to escape when left alone for five minutes. These are the people this website targets, and it is HIlarious.

I recommend checking out, "What the heck is this?" and, "What's an -ite? A field guide" before delving deep into this treasure. It gives a little background on this Super Fan culture and explains all the typos, so you won't think the creators are a bunch of illiterate morons. After that, the sky's the limit. My favorites are the Sims photo album and the erotic fanfic, which are lol-worthy. A note about the fanfic: even though it's hilarious and poorly written, it's still erotica, and full of naughty things, so if you're at work, or have small kidz hanging around, or appreciate fine literature, I don't recommend reading it.

It also has awesome/mildly disturbing images of Steve and a few other Journey band members like the one at the top of this post and this one:

I'll bet you could have gone your entire life without ever seeing that, am I right? Of course I am. However, after viewing it last night, I needed to bring other people into my misery, so I'm posting it here. You're welcome, internet.

I don't even care about coming in second to the genius of this site. I've never laughed so hard at something in my life. So to the fellas, ladies, mole people, crab people--whoever you are who created this masterpiece on the web--I tip my hat to you. I bow in the blinding light of your genius. I grovel at your hilarity.

P.S. Thanks to Ohthatdeb for sending me the link!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Gorgeous Man-Hair That isn't Steve Perry's?

Could it be? Have I discovered the one man who possesses man-hair as equally captivating as Steve Perry's? The one man who defies my whole, "Steve Perry has awesome hair because he's Portuguese and Steve Perry" theory? Or maybe he was indeed Steve Perry AND I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT?!

Behold the evidence for yourself. This was taken at a work event a week or so ago. Look at how the setting sun is majestically reflected in his gorgeous non-Steve Perry man-hair:

So what do you think? Steve Perry incognito or the only other living human being with gorgeous man-hair?

P.S. Thanks to Taylor for snapping the pic!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Fact or Fiction?

Steve Perry was the inspiration for Waldo of Where's Waldo? fame.

Fact. Well, he wasn't the inspiration for Waldo's face, since Waldo looks like the type of guy who could get his ass beaten by a seven year-old, but he was the muse for Waldo's signature striped shirt and jeans. Waldo's creator, Martin Handford, attended a Journey concert in Liverpool in the early eighties where he was, "...tripping my shit out on acid and generally not giving a fuck...and then the band came on and Steve [Perry] was in this brilliant red-and-white striped shirt and blue jeans. He looked like a giant peppermint man...the image has stayed with me ever since."

Fun fact: Where's Waldo? was originally going to be called Where's the Giant Peppermint Man? but that title was scrapped since it was a) too long and not all that catchy, and b) Handford was afraid it would be associated with Christmas.

P.S. The above image was found in this Flickr photostream, along with other Steve Perry "art."

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Question of the Day

Would you like to see Steve Perry's mug on a Wheaties box?

I think you all know that my answer is a resounding HELL YES. Except I vote for a classic Steve picture, one from his Journey days where he's rocking maybe Spandex and an outlandishly loud shirt open straight to the navel. And, of course, it would have to showcase the man-hair in its full glory. God, what could be more epic than that? Professional athletes are so overrated.