Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Spring Cleaning

Spring cleaning. We all dread it. Packing up all the winter clothes and taking out all the spring and summer wear (except for me because I live in Florida and don't have any true winter clothes--suckas), weeding through old paperwork to figure out what you don't need, dusting--it's a pain in the ass. But we all have to do it--including Steve Perry.

Wait, what?! Even Steve Perry has to spring clean?! Isn't he a literal god among men and above having to do this type of plebeian work? Well, before your entire belief system regarding Steve Perry's infallibility and god-like status comes crashing down around you, let me elaborate--like everything else he does, the way Steve Perry conducts his spring-cleaning is way more awesome and mind-blowing than your piddly-ass Swiffer or dust buster.

Remember how Cinderella called upon the birds and chipmunks of nature to help her out with her slave labor chores? Yeah. You know where I'm going with this and are probably rolling your eyes at the injustice of it all. That is how Steve Perry spring cleans: he can summon animals to do it for him. And not just any animals--these are real-life versions of Disney animals. They can talk, they can sing, and they sparkle. I know, I know. You're confused. Your mind is blown. There's no such thing as real-life Disney animals. WRONG. They exist, but they only respond to Steve Perry. Sorry. I know you harbor the secret desire, like me, to utilize woodland creatures to help with the daily chores. You want to be able to summon talking animals to shoot the shit with once in awhile. I know. It's not fair.

How on earth does he summon these animals? All he has to do is hum--hum, not actually sing--the opening notes of any Journey/solo Steve Perry song. Really. The animals then come and join in one by one and eventually there's a full-on concert going on in his house, and cleaning being done. Except Steve doesn't clean. While the animals are busy, he cracks open a Dos Equis, sits before his vanity mirror, and brushes his flowing man-hair 100 times until it shines so brightly even he has to wear sunglasses just to look at it.

Singing, of course.

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