Thursday, June 17, 2010

Takin' it to the Next Level

Hey guys, remember back when I was all about Steve Perry and Neal Schon having a secret bromance and that their "fight" was nothing but a publicity stunt? (See also here and here.) Remember how I also said that after posting that trifecta of IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE I would shut my yap about the subject once and for all? Boy, that sure was funny, right? Good times, yes? And you really didn't want me to shut my yap about it, right? You enjoyed my conspiracy theory, right?

I knew you would. Which is why I'm flappin' my gums about it yet again. You're welcome.

What if Steve and Neal's friendship turned out to be more than just platonic man-love? What if they took their relationship to the next level? You know what I'm talkin' 'bout. I'm talkin' 'bout l-o-v-e. Luurve. Man-love of the non-platonic variety. What if Steve and Neal got all romantical on us? Personally, I think it would be the single greatest love story of our time. It would rival the likes of The Notebook. Love Story. Sleepless in Seattle. Except it would be REAL. Doesn't that concept just blow your frigging mind? Now imagine them taking it to the next step and getting MARRIED. Woah. Just--woah. Their wedding would rival the late Princess Diana's in popularity and overall awesomeness. In fact, I think Steve would grow out his man-hair and don that red flowy blouse he wore in the "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" video just for the occasion. At the reception, he'd serenade Neal with a tearful and particularly touching rendition of "Missing You." The cast of Glee would be the main entertainment. Elton John would have to rewrite "Candle in the Wind" yet again. And yeah, smartasses, I know "Candle in the Wind"--both versions--are about people who have died. But Elton would rewrite it so that the song would accurately reflect the occasion--Neal and Steve's love.

Now just hold up and relax, all you women who harbor fantasies about being Steve Perry's single greatest love in the history of the universe! I'm not saying Steve's gay. I'm just saying that he might be a little gay for Neal. And if he was, would you be able to live with yourself if you prevented such an awesome union from forming? You wouldn't. Because that would make you an asshole. And anybody who is a fan, lover, wannabe lover, or friend of Steve Perry is most certainly not an asshole, am I right? You are just too awesome for that. Besides, look at Steve's face in that picture, at how his eyes are pleading with you to just let it happen--how could you ever deny that?


  1. One word: Prenup.

    Can you even imagine the negotiation proceedings? The legal fees? how much "walking around drinking cappuccino" time Steve would have to sacrifice?

    Nope. Never happen.

  2. They won't need a prenup. They'll be together together forever. The non-platonic man-love is the real thing.

  3. I am really disturbed because I am sitting here thinking about Steve and Neal in bed together. Hell the video of "Girl Can't Help It" with Steve in the red coat (There are about 8 different postings of it on you tube)he and Neal look so happy together. Boy in those days they would have made such a cute couple. Might be the real source of Neal and Steve's creatvie tension.And imagine being a fly on the wall in their hotel room. I do have to say Steve would have to be the catcher not the pitcher. Anyway thanks for the fantasy.

  4. Here are some lines for the begining of a twisted erotic fiction for Steve and Neal. "In their hotel room at night Neal knew just how to touch Steve in ways that made him shriek louder then he ever did on stage." OR "Neal was too horny to wait for Steve to undress. He simply tore open the laced fly in those damn jeans,and was grateful the long haired young singer never wore underwear.

  5. You're rewriting my short story: I've always felt Steve got through to Neal after facing his feelings head on, and that their "relationship" simmered hard and long (innuendoes unintentional), obviously outlasting Sherry ("If I'm not whom you'd thought I'd be") and a few Schon wives. I think Steve did quite a bit more lovin', touchin'and squeezin' than Neal, as the servant soon became the master. Perry's plaintive "Anyway" is quite an interesting apology ("Nothin' stood between us, the fire burned within"). I hope if we all live long enough, Steve will come clean :)