Tuesday, January 26, 2010

How Did Steve Perry Honor the King?

Martin Luther King, that is. I know MLK Day was last week, but I thought you guys still might want to know how good ol' Steve rocked it. And even if you didn't, I'm going to tell you anyway. Tough cookies.

He first went to the labor and delivery ward of his local hospital to visit expectant moms who were in labor but not quite ready to deliver the baby. You know how they say that sex is the best way to get the whole baby delivering process party started? No, he didn't sleep with the moms. Come on. He didn't need to. Just being in the same room as Steve Perry caused the ladies to dilate the full ten centimeters and get the show on the road. They were PIO-induced, if you will.

Next on his agenda was to travel around gang-ridden neighborhoods and beat the shit out of some punks. Now, this might sound like a dangerous venture, and it is--for any other man. But Steve Perry is a ninja, well-versed in the ways of ancient martial arts and all around ninja-dom, and a force to be reckoned with. He also had a semi-automatic pistol. My point? Kicking those gang members' asses was easy for him, and the crime rate in those neighborhoods is now at zero percent. Forever.

Since the multiple ass-beatings he doled out tired him somewhat, Steve took a minor detour from servicing his community to get a massage and recharge. Then he jumped right back in by cooking a gourmet meal for the local soup kitchen. What was on the menu, you ask? Good question. Indian-spiced shrimp to start off, followed by lamb au poivre and ending with chocolate toffee diamonds for dessert.

So there you have it. Steve's MLK Day. By the time he returned home to woo and subsequently make sweet, sweet love to a lady friend, his community was statistically 1000% better. That's statistically, folks. Cold, hard facts. I couldn't make this stuff up. ::shifty eyes::

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

We Have a New Home!

Well, sort of. It was suggested to me that I should look into buying a domain name for this site, a suggestion I have been rolling around in my head for at least a whole day now. At first I thought about purchasing it in March, when LOMFON turns 1 (I've kept this bullshit blog up for almost a whole year! Can you believe it?! 'Cause I sure can't!), but after a little research (on company time--shhh don't tell!) I found out that you can purchase a domain through Blogger and everything will automatically transfer over. Since that was the option that required the least amount of work on my part (I'm lazy, what can I say?) and I like the way the blog is currently set up, I went ahead and purchased my very own domain name. It's--get ready for it--


Ta-da! But we're still on Blogger. So techically we did move, but we really didn't. If you get my drift. Also, I tried it out, and it worked for me. If going directly to the new domain name doesn't work for you, you can still access it at the old address, http://loverofmanyfatherofnone.blogspot.com. After a few days, though, everything should transition seamlessly.

Now I have to think of something ELSE to do for our one year b-day.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Crotch Shot of the Day!

Ohthatdeb originally sent me this photo as more photographic evidence of Steve and Neal's secret bromance. And while I could point out all the reasons why this picture does, in fact, support that theory, I promised in my last post to shut my pie hole about it. So I will and instead use this photo for a crotch shot of the day entry.

I think it's a pretty good subject for this post, don't you? I mean look at it. Steve's junk is practically clamoring for a chance to get out and join Steve for a duet. And you'll notice how extremely flat (well, for the most part) Steve's front is. You'd have to be built that way in order to squeeze into pants that form-fitting. I just wonder what Steve's diet was during that particular tour. Salad and laxatives?

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Steve and Neal BFF Video Footage

I promise, this will be my last post regarding my theory that Steve Perry and Neal Schon are really BFFs and not arch enemies as they would have you believe. I'll shut up about it after this. I. Promise. Oh, but what a post it is, because I HAVE FOUND VIDEO FOOTAGE THAT SUPPORTS MY THEORY.

See?! See there?! Not only did Neal invite Steve to perform with him, he giddily jiggled his plaque as he did so. He can't contain his excitement! Oh sure, you might counter, Neal is just being civil because they're both on camera and can't really carry on their feud in front of an audience. But I say you are wrong. That video captures Steve and Neal having a moment--a moment that is genuine and attests to the bonds of friendship and brotherhood. And after this was shot, they went to the nearest karaoke dive bar, shared a few drinks and sang several duets, including, but not limited to, "Private Eyes," "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)"--ironically, of course, as they're relationship is purely heterosexual and platonic--and "Faithfully." I just know it.

The jig is up, boys. Just come on out and admit it. And if you'd like to issue an official statement, I would suggest clicking on the "Contact Me" button in the right-hand sidebar of this blog and emailing it to me BECAUSE I WAS THE FIRST ONE TO CALL YOU GUYS OUT. It's only fair.

Steve Perry Doesn't Exist

No, it's not a conspiracy theory. He's not a ghost. Nor is he a figment of your imagination. It's a--you know what? Just read Ohthatdeb's essay to see what I'm talking about. And if you would like to notify her of your presence by leaving a comment, that would be cool.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Put Your Kids to Sleep--Journey Style!

It is a well-known fact that Steve Perry is the single greatest human being to ever grace the earth ever. He's a master at wooing the ladies, a force to be reckoned with in a dance-off, and just an all-around badass. And now we can add one more trait to the ever-growing list of awesome: singing your kids to sleep.

Rockabye Baby has come out with a CD of Journey tunes re-worked as lullabies. Yes, you read that right. Baby is now able to be lulled to sleep by the likes of "Faithfully," "Who's Crying Now" and "Lights." How incredibly epic is that?! I'm sure all the cool parents will be purchasing this treasure while the lame-os are left hanging their heads in shame as their kids listen to Raffi and Baby Einstein Music Box Orchestra.

To get a sneak peek of this revolutionary album, as well as listen to the lullaby version of "Don't Stop Believin'," visit Rockabye Baby's website here. Also, thanks to my crazy awesome co-worker, Brian, for sharing this with me.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Seen and Heard: Double Trouble

Location: The gym and Walgreens

Heard: "Don't Stop Believin'" and "Missing You," respectively

So I figured, what better way to usher this blog into 2010 than post an entry ten days late and discuss things that happened back in December? Oh, how lazy I am!

Last month, I was privileged to hear Journey and Steve Perry tunes twice in random places; I like to think that it was the universe's little Christmas gift to me. Anyway, the first was at the gym; as we were all torturing our torsos doing ab exercises in boxing class, "Don't Stop Believin'" came on over the loud speakers. Anybody who has read at least more than one entry of this blog knows that this is my absolute favorite Journey song; whenever I hear it, time seems to slow down and the only two things in existence are me and that song. This time was no exception. As the trainer was going on about how the exercises we were doing were going to help turn our potbellies into abs of steel, I was off in my own little world of Journey heaven, humming softly and moving my feet to the beat. I was also wondering how everybody else could keep their composure while in the presence of such a rockin' song and was quietly hating them for not busting out in spontaneous dance.

The second instance happened while I was doing some last-minute Christmas shopping at Walgreens with two of my co-workers over lunch break one day. And, okay, before you yell at me, I should say we were all doing last-minute stocking stuffer shopping, not actual Christmas shopping, so simmer down and give us a break. Anyway, "Missing You" came on over the store loud speakers, and, as always happens when I hear a lesser-known Journey or Steve Perry song being played either on the radio or in a public place, I had a little thrill. And, as always happens when I hear such songs, I am with people who honestly couldn't give a damn but humor me anyway because they know how excited I get. However, this time I spared them, kept my pie hole shut, and enjoyed the moment privately.

Anywho, now that 2010 is in full swing, I shall return to my regularly scheduled posting. Or maybe I won't. The only way you'll be able to find out is to keep checking back. See what I did there? I baited you. Now you'll have no choice but to check back. It's all part of my diabolical plan to keep you reading regularly. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!