Thursday, February 25, 2010

He'll Make You an Offer You Can't Refuse

Word up, kidz, are you ready for another little-known fun factoid about our favorite former Journey frontman? How about if I promise never to use the phrase, "Word up, kidz" ever again? Okay, deal.

As you know (or probably not), I have posted several entries about Steve Perry's ability to fuck bitches up (see here and here). But what you don't know is that this power extends to a depth you can't even begin to imagine--until now. "Okay, SVB, what kind of crap are you spouting off now?" you may be asking yourself. Let's just say that if Steve ever makes you an offer, you can't refuse it, lest you want to sleep with the fishes. If you know what I mean. You get what I'm saying, right? RIGHT?!

Steve Perry is an Italian mafia boss.

I'm not shitting you! Calling out members of the Italian mob is not something you do willy-nilly. Steve Perry is wrapped up all in the mob. He is the head of his Family's chain of command, ruling over henchmen and making sure all of his cover businesses--Blockbuster Video and Subway franchises--are operating under the radar, smooth and seamless.

Look, I know he's not Italian, but when has Steve Perry ever needed an excuse to do something? The man does what he damn well pleases and woe to the poor sap who tries to get in his way. It's no secret that several of his "sandwich artists" have mysteriously disappeared because he discovered their plans to overthrow his empire and claim the power for themselves.

Don't misunderstand me--Steve isn't a bloodthirsty man. He prefers to keep the peace and make love instead of war. But when provoked, when he's forced to take action or stand by, you better believe that he will utilize the hell out of his iron fist.

Just take my word for it, okay? Don't find out the hard way that Steve Perry will fuck you up.


A Soundtrack for Your Night of Passion

Earlier today, a friend of mine sent me this link, which caused me to crack up when I opened it. Yes, kiddos, along with your condoms, lubes and vibrators, you can now purchase the soundtrack to your night of passion: Journey's Greatest Hits. And, really, who wouldn't want to make love with Journey pulsating softly in the background? With lyrics such as, "I hope and pray tonight/Somewhere you're thinking of me, girl," and, "So here I am with open arms/Hoping you'll see what your love means to me," Journey's entire catalog practically screams sex. Even Steve Perry makes sure his stereo is loaded down with these panty-dropping gems before rocking a lady friend's world. Does that make him arrogant? Nope. He's too cool for arrogance. Rather, it's simply expected.

So go ahead. Click the link and get the album. You know you want to. It's okay; I won't judge. And, no, I have no idea what my friend was doing on that particular website, just like I have no idea how my co-worker wound up on a lesbian message board. And, really, I don't care, as long as they keep sending me funny shit to post.

Friday, February 19, 2010

A Steve Perry Skin Care Line? Yes, Please!

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Steve Perry has a complexion that people would murder their best friends for. "What, murder?!" say you. "Have you been watching too many episodes of Snapped?" Maybe I have. But if you wouldn't murder your BFF, you'd at least trip them while they were walking down the sidewalk for a chance to get that Steve Perry glow. (You know you would, don't play like you wouldn't.) I heard a quote, and for the life of me, I cannot remember who said it, or where I read it, or where I heard it, but it went something like this: "Steve Perry has been thirty years old for the past thirty years." SO. TRUE. The man is ageless. Look at any recent picture of Steve, and you'll see that even though he's in his sixties, he doesn't look that much different than he did during his Journey days. So what's the deal? Has he been making secret pilgrimages to St. Augustine to choke down the fetid water in the so-called Fountain of Youth?

Sigh. No, Grasshopper. First, have you been to the Fountain of Youth in St. Augustine? Anyone who actually drank from it would definitely catch something, and it wouldn't be youth. Shit's nasty. Second, (and if you've read even two posts from this blog, you'll see where I'm going immediately) Steve Perry looks like he does because he's Portuguese and Steve Perry. However, just like with his hair, I think he has the opportunity to tap into a currently untapped market and partner with either Nutrogena or Clinique and come out with his own skin care line. Just think about it! Facial and body cleansers! Lotions! Eye creams! Serums! Yes, you wouldn't get the magic that is his exact complexion, but your face and overall skin would probably look a helluva lot better than it does now. And, just as I said in the hair post, your complexion would definitely look better than your friends', which is probably the most important thing, am I right? You bet your sweet ass I am.

So, Steve, what's the holdup? You're sitting on yet another goldmine and you don't even know it! Come on, you magnificent bastard, and bestow upon us a little of that youthfulness!

If Steve did come out with a skin care line, what do you think he'd call it? My guess is Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin', because after using the products, people will want to love, touch and squeeze you.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Journey at the Center of the Earth

Haha. Hahaha. I'm sorry. Excuse me while I compose mysel--BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, I can't do it! I'm laughing too hard!

I love it when readers or friends send me Journey-related pictures, videos, articles, etc. BECAUSE THEY NEVER DISAPPOINT. They are always in the spirit of this blog and are so quirky and unique that I simply have to share. Today's little treat is no exception. Sent in by Ohthatdeb, it is a mock trailer for a fake movie called Journey at the Center of the Earth. Like me, you'll be in tears from laughing too hard and you'll wish that this was a real movie. Because if it was, it would be the single greatest movie in cinematic history.

Also, I don't know exactly why, but the fact that the makers of this trailer used a movie that starred Brendan Fraser makes it extra hilarious for me. I think it's because I could actually see him in a movie like this--a tongue-in-cheek comedy about a ridiculous scenario featuring one of the greatest bands of all time. Airheads prepared him well.

Okay, enough of my rambling. Feast your eyes and get ready to giggle.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Seen and Heard

Location: My TV. And TVs everywhere, really.

Heard: "Any Way You Want It"

Aside from the classics I grew up with, I'm not much for kid movies. The idea of spending an hour and a half watching some Pixar film about robots, critters or whatever just doesn't sound fun to me. And I'm 26. I mean, come on. But I have to give some credit to whoever did the trailer for that movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs or Sunny With a Chance of Soup or whatever the hell it's called for utilizing Journey's "Any Way You Want It." Granted, it's still not enough to make me want to actually watch the movie (and, no, I don't care how cute it looks), but I will at least watch the preview. And jam out. Because there's nothing like a little Journey goodness to break up the commercial monotony, am I right?

Monday, February 1, 2010

Why Steve Perry Should Freaking SPREAD THE WEALTH!


And, no, I'm not talking about wealth as in his money. It's been awhile since I've devoted a post to one of my favorite SP topics, one which also makes me seethe with jealousy--his man-hair. Last year, I argued that Pantene would do well to hire Steve to be its spokesman, because, well, let's face it: it would bring in some major moolah with the venture. I mean, who better to hock a shampoo product than the man with the greatest hair in the world? Sales would skyrocket! However, I only recently saw the flaw in this line of reasoning, and I'm ashamed to admit it took me this long. No matter how many times a commercial of Steve gets on the air touting all the hair benefits of Pantene's line of hair care products, no matter how many times you wash, or condition--you still won't get Steve Perry hair. Pantene is good, but it's not that good. The only way you'd be able to even get a tenth of the luster of Steve's majestic locks would be if he were to launch his own line of hair care products. You still wouldn't have full-blown Steve Perry hair (unless you're Portuguese and Steve Perry, which you most certainly are not), but it would be the closest you'd ever get. And even though your hair still wouldn't be able to fully compare to Steve's, it would look better than all your friends', which is just as important.


So Steve--SPREAD THE FREAKING WEALTH, BUDDY! I'd settle with just a tenth of your hair luster, as I'm sure everybody else would. You don't know it, but you're an expert on having luscious, shiny locks, and everybody would take any hair advice you dole out as gospel. This area would be a gold mine for you! And be smart and let a place like Wal-Mart or Target carry your line. It's a recession, and your fanbase is the average person who is just loving him/her some Steve Perry and Journey and can't afford to pay an arm or a leg or give up their first-born child for some Perry-ish hair. Nor should they have to. That is an opportunity that should be available to everybody, regardless of social status or income.


Thoughts as to what Steve should name his hair care line? I like Don't Stop Believin' in Good Hair. Yeah, it's a little long, but with a little graphic design magic, it'll fit. Maybe something like DSB with in Good Hair in a little font beneath it.


P.S. Like the picture? Stop on by http://www.spoiledrotties.com/. They have a shit-load of Steve Perry desktop wallpaper!