Tuesday, April 20, 2010

More Evidence of World Domination

Earlier this year, I posted a story about a company that was selling an album comprised entirely of Journey songs re-worked as lullabies. My friend Brian told me about that little ray of genius, and a few months ago he sent me another link to the same website. The topic? 3 Reasons Your Kids Will Dig Journey. It's a well-written piece, basically saying (nicely, of course) that any parent who decides to introduce Journey to their children early on are doing the entire world a friggin' service by ensuring their offspring will be cooler and in general more awesome than kids who were not exposed, but my point in posting it here is not to get into a discussion about those benefits. This is the second Journey-related article I've read on this website, and look at the subsequent stories it links to: they are all about Journey! What's my point? It's simple: the lullabye CD. The benefits kids will get from Journey exposure. The multiple Journey-related articles. Do I have to spell it out for you? DO I?!

Fine. This is more evidence of Steve Perry's side of the Steve Perry/Steve Jobs world-domination plan. It's more lethal than we originally thought, people. Not only are they preying on Journey/Steve Perry fans and Apple aficionados, but they're targeting people in the womb.

When this big and sexy monster is unleashed fully on us unsuspecting mofos, it's going to be one hell of a perfectly-pitched optimal-performing ride. God help us all.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Hypnotized!


SVB is temporarily not in control of her body right now; I, Steve Perry, former frontman of Journey, am using her to communicate a very important message, for she is hypnotized, like you will soon be.

Look deep into my eyes. Do not blink. Let them penetrate you. Feel them inside of you and relish the deep, orgasmic pleasure that feeling brings. I know you really want to blink right now, but don't. I know your eyes may be burning because you really really want to blink, but don't. You will miss out on all the pleasure. Good. Now you're getting sleepy, and your defenses are shrinking. This is exactly what I want to happen. Now I have you in my complete control.

First of all, you do not believe Sarah Silverman's claim that I said the n-word during a conversation I had with her after one of her shows. How could I, Steve Perry, former frontman of Journey, say the n-word and tarnish my epic reputation? This is nothing but a fallacy Silverman has spread for comedic effect and to further her career. Believe me, she will pay.

Secondly, I am superior to Neal Schon.

Thirdly, you will go to your nearest Wal-Mart, Target or record store and purchase the re-released Essential Journey, and at precisely 5p.m. today, April 16, 2010, you will blast "Don't Stop Believin'" on high volume wherever you may be: in your car, at your desk, on your stereo at home. Don't ask why. Just do it. Once this is done I will relay to Steve Jobs the progress and work on the next phase of the plan. The fate of the world depends on your cooperation.

Fourthly, you will have a PIO in 5...4...3...2...1. Steve Perry out.


***

Wow, that was weird. Spaced out there for a moment. Hey, wait a minute! When did I by Essential Journey? And why? I already have it!!


*Picture courtesy of the Steve Perry Picasa Web Album. Special thanks to JourneyGirl for sending me the link.

Friday, April 9, 2010

An Alliance?


Remember how when the iPad came out, every Apple store in America looked like every hardware store in Florida two days before a hurricane landing? Well, you wanna know who did not have to wake up at an ungodly hour just to get a good spot in a line so he could get his supple and well-manicured hands on one of those damn machines? Yep, you guessed it--Steve Perry. If that doesn't make you green with envy and warm with a lukewarm hatred (because, let's face it, you are physically unable to fully hate SP--I mean, he's just too awesome and sexy), then this will: the man was typing, surfing the internet, and doing whatever the hell else people do with iPads a full year before the thing was released to the public. Wanna know why? (And, no, it's not because Steve Jobs is a HUGE Journey fan with a wicked man-crush on SP.)

Steve Perry and Steve Jobs have formed an alliance. More specifically, an alliance designed to take over the world and turn us into a species of Steve Perry-loving, Oh Sherrie-singing, Apple gizmo-using beings. Think about it: Steve Perry's hypnotic effect on music lovers, hair care appreciators and women. Steve Jobs' ability to make people salivate like Pavlov's dogs at the mere thought of an Apple product, new or old. Steve Perry is doing more than just reveling in how cool his new iPad is. He's using that bitch to share documents with Jobs, outlining step-by-step their execution for world domination, and setting up rendezvous with "interested persons" via his cool and sexy iPhone. We don't stand a fucking chance.

Prepare yourselves now, people, because when December 21, 2012 rolls around, the Steves will put their plan into full effect and the world as we know it will officially end. (Yep, that's why the Mayan calendar ended--they knew what was up.)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Another Juicy Reader Gem!

So this is by far the most--ahem, interesting--Steve Perry-related tidbit sent in to me by a reader. The fact that it was sent to me anonymously only adds to the mystery of the story. Is it real? Is it an urban legend? Was it written by Steve himself? Who the hell knows? What I do know is that it's hilarious, and my apologies to the writer and whoever sent this to me, because I think--I think--you guys are completely serious about wanting to get your story out to the public, and I'm openly ridiculing your earnestness. I'm. Sorry. But I still find it lol-worthy, so I'm posting it here so others may get a laugh as well.

Steve Perry: A Generous Man (yes, I am completely serious, that is the title of this piece)