Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Perry vs. Schon


Ever wonder how a no-holds-barred, all out battle between Steve Perry and Neal Schon would go down? Don't play, you know you have. It's legendary, right? Epic? The greatest hypothetical historical event in, well...history?

It's wrong.

Let me clarify: how you imagined it happening is wrong. I don't care if you've had a hundred thousand million bajillion fantasies about this fight, with a hundred thousand million bajillion different endings. Every. Single. One. Is. Wrong.

But I do know how it would happen, and since I'm the one with the blog, it means I'm right. So listen up.

This fight would be more epic than Rocky Balboa's fight against Apollo Creed. More glorious than when Rocky fought Apollo Creed a second time and WON. More sinister than Ivan Drago. And shorter than those feminine crop tops in Rocky 3.

Wait, what were we talking about? I got caught up in all the Rocky clips. Is it just me, or was that training sequence in Rocky 3 hella long? Anyway, back on track, children.

IT'S GOING TO BE AN AWESOME FUCKING FIGHT.

The fight would start with Steve letting Neal hit him a few times, the operative word being "letting." If he wanted to, Steve could pull some judo-type shit on Neal and emerge victorious in a second. Literally, one second. But this is Neal Schon we're talking about. Considering how much history the two have between them, Perry is going to amuse himself at Neal's expense and play with him a little bit. Take some hits and fake him out. Boost his confidence until he gets too cocky and lets down his guard.

Which is exactly what happens. Neal begins to taunt and say the same clich├ęd phrases d-bags all over the world utter when in the same situation: "Whatsa matter, tough guy?" punch! "Not so touch now, are we?" punch! punch! And then the mistake: "You gonna go cry to your mommy?"

Oh, HELL NO, he did not just say that. One of the things that Steve Perry will not tolerate is smack talk about his mother. He will go apeshit on the offender and ruin his or her life. Legend has it that Fidel Castro dissed Perry's mother one time and Steve STRUCK HIM DOWN WITH SICKNESS. So you can imagine how perilous a situation in which Neal now finds himself.

In the blink of an eye, Perry roundhouse kicks Neal in the face, knocking him back. Neal, caught off guard, manages to stagger to his feet, only to receive a powerful sucker-punch in his mouth, which knocks out some of his teeth. He tries to hit back, but Perry catches his fist and squeezes it so hard the bones start to break. Then he head-butts him to the ground. Neal is rendered unconscious, and is bleeding profusely. As if by magic (actually, it is totally because of magic), a Sharpie marker appears in Steve Perry's hand, and he draws a crude picture of a penis with the head of it pointing toward Neal's mouth and the words Don't Stop Believin' on top, cementing his victory.

"Boom," Steve says, standing up and throwing the marker onto Neal's limp body. "You just got Journey-ed."

9 comments:

  1. Thanks! Not to toot my own horn, but I was pretty proud of this one. :-)

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Love reading your blog....you always keep me coming back.

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  4. Hi Natalie,

    I'm glad you're enjoying the blog; I have blast writing it. Thanks for reading!

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  5. That should be, "I have A blast writing it." Didn't mean to sound like a cave woman there. :-)

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  6. Exactly why I removed my first comment.....sometimes it seems that English is not my first language. :)

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  7. Fuck Neal I want me some Perry!!!

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  8. Omg this is the funniest shit ive ever read!

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