Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Oprah's Got a Secret!

But she ain't tellin' ya. Lucky for you, I will, 'cause I'm a blabber-mouth. Ready?

Wait for it...

It's coming up...

Oprah's secret in 5...






I know, right? WTF? OMFG! Holy shit! No wonder Oprah is a mega mogul. It's in her genes! If you had Steve Perry's blood coursing through your veins, you'd probably have your own talk show, your own magazine and your own television network, too! And you know she is going to whore this story out on her show, so check her website for deets.

P.S. Comment if you actually went to her website! C'mon, I won't laugh...hard.

P.P.S. Do you think she'll give everybody in the audience a free membership to "YOU get a free membership, YOU get a free membership..."

Thursday, January 20, 2011

A World Without Steve Perry

Children, for this post, I'd like for us to exercise our imaginations a little bit. Imagine, if you will, a world without Steve Perry.

GASP! WHAT?! WHY?! Why are you trying to scare me and it isn't even Halloween! you may be thinking. Well, I'll tell ya: I was recently pondering this very thing myself, almost shat myself out of fear, and had to tell someone else about it. Look at it as a kind of therapy. For me.

Oh, the horror of a world without Steve Perry! Can you imagine? First of all, Journey wouldn't exist. Well, okay, so it would still exist, but it would probably be the weird, progressive, jazz-influenced band it used to be before Steve Perry joined in all his tight pants wearin', shiny man-hair possessin' glory. There would be no Faithfully. No Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'. No--double gasp!--Don't Stop Believin'!

CAN YOU IMAGINE A WORLD SANS DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'? What would be played at sports games to hype up the crowd and unite the people? What would be played at bars that would cause mass sing-alongs to erupt and people to go from being complete strangers to being BFFs in the span of four minutes? What song would have been played on the Sopranos' series finale? I'm sorry, but We Are the Champions just doesn't have the same panache as Don't Stop Believin'. I don't care if it was on The Mighty Ducks.

Okay, this nightmare ends now. I'm scaring myself all over again, and am very close to shitting my pants. Thank god this is only something that would happen in The Twilight Zone.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Congratulations, L.A.

Here's a partial breakdown of LOMFON'S visitor stats:

-Out of the countries that have viewed this blog, the U.S.A. dominates with 401 visits.

-The state with the most visits is California, with 113, surpassing my home state of Florida, which only has a measly 49.

-The city in California with the most visits? LOS FREAKING ANGELES. So congratulations, L.A. Out of all the visitors to this blog, you love Steve Perry the most. If I were even remotely talented at HTML, scripts, Java, or any of that crap, I'd create a badge for you to post on your Facebook page. But I'm not, so you get this.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Perry vs. Schon

Ever wonder how a no-holds-barred, all out battle between Steve Perry and Neal Schon would go down? Don't play, you know you have. It's legendary, right? Epic? The greatest hypothetical historical event in, well...history?

It's wrong.

Let me clarify: how you imagined it happening is wrong. I don't care if you've had a hundred thousand million bajillion fantasies about this fight, with a hundred thousand million bajillion different endings. Every. Single. One. Is. Wrong.

But I do know how it would happen, and since I'm the one with the blog, it means I'm right. So listen up.

This fight would be more epic than Rocky Balboa's fight against Apollo Creed. More glorious than when Rocky fought Apollo Creed a second time and WON. More sinister than Ivan Drago. And shorter than those feminine crop tops in Rocky 3.

Wait, what were we talking about? I got caught up in all the Rocky clips. Is it just me, or was that training sequence in Rocky 3 hella long? Anyway, back on track, children.


The fight would start with Steve letting Neal hit him a few times, the operative word being "letting." If he wanted to, Steve could pull some judo-type shit on Neal and emerge victorious in a second. Literally, one second. But this is Neal Schon we're talking about. Considering how much history the two have between them, Perry is going to amuse himself at Neal's expense and play with him a little bit. Take some hits and fake him out. Boost his confidence until he gets too cocky and lets down his guard.

Which is exactly what happens. Neal begins to taunt and say the same clich├ęd phrases d-bags all over the world utter when in the same situation: "Whatsa matter, tough guy?" punch! "Not so touch now, are we?" punch! punch! And then the mistake: "You gonna go cry to your mommy?"

Oh, HELL NO, he did not just say that. One of the things that Steve Perry will not tolerate is smack talk about his mother. He will go apeshit on the offender and ruin his or her life. Legend has it that Fidel Castro dissed Perry's mother one time and Steve STRUCK HIM DOWN WITH SICKNESS. So you can imagine how perilous a situation in which Neal now finds himself.

In the blink of an eye, Perry roundhouse kicks Neal in the face, knocking him back. Neal, caught off guard, manages to stagger to his feet, only to receive a powerful sucker-punch in his mouth, which knocks out some of his teeth. He tries to hit back, but Perry catches his fist and squeezes it so hard the bones start to break. Then he head-butts him to the ground. Neal is rendered unconscious, and is bleeding profusely. As if by magic (actually, it is totally because of magic), a Sharpie marker appears in Steve Perry's hand, and he draws a crude picture of a penis with the head of it pointing toward Neal's mouth and the words Don't Stop Believin' on top, cementing his victory.

"Boom," Steve says, standing up and throwing the marker onto Neal's limp body. "You just got Journey-ed."

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Fact or Fiction?

One of Tiger Woods' whores was Steve Perry.

Fiction. Tiger Woods was Steve Perry's whore.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Steve Perry's New Year's Resolutions

1. Brush the ol' mane until it glows effervescently.

2. Add more ball-busting pants and women's blouses to the wardrobe. Hmm...maybe some vests, too. Not sure why I abandoned that trend.

3. Either bury the hatchet with Neal or kick his ass. Not sure which yet.

4. Start my Year of Celibacy. It's time I worked on myself and---LOL. Man. I couldn't even type that without laughing.

5. Maybe come out with some new stuff. Maybe.

6. Watch Glee.

7. Go to more baseball games and hype the crowd. They really seem to love that.

8. Chill with Sarah Silverman. You know, she tells the best---er, never mind. Don't want to add fuel to that fire.

9. Enter every single karaoke contest in the USA. And Canada. And Mexico. And WIN THEM ALL. Except I'll have to enter under my pseudonym, Peve Sterry.

10. Get a manicure. What, that's manly! What's the beginning of that word? That's what I thought.