Lover of Many, Father of None

One More Thing...

2011-02-25T11:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, I couldn't not post this. Remember that Google "Parisian Love" commercial? Well, I just found out you can create your own, and, naturally, I had to do one for Steve Perry. Consider this a parting gift. You're welcome.

The Party's Over

2011-02-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

I've been toying with this idea for weeks now, and I believe the time has come for me to bid adieu. While writing about the shenanigans of Steve Perry, Neal Schon and Journey has been a blast, I have to recognize that the party's over. My reservoir of ridiculousness has finally dried up, and all of the ideas I've been generating have been poor imitations of previous posts.

But just because I won't be adding any new posts doesn't mean that this website will disappear from the internets. Are you kidding me? I still plan on keeping the domain name current so you can revisit past posts and (hopefully) still get a chuckle.

I want to thank you guys, the readers. Thank you for taking the time out to read my ridiculousness, for sharing videos, interviews and news stories. Thank you for comments on my posts, and thank you for taking the time out to send an email my way. Thank you for spreading the Steve Perry goodness, whether you told somebody about this blog, or linked to it in a forum. THANK YOU. The best part about writing this blog was interacting with those who have read it. You guys rock.

Last, but surely not least, I'd like to thank Steve Perry. You don't have a clue that this blog exists, but if you didn't exist, then it surely wouldn't have been able to. Thank you for sharing your voice with us, for being part of Journey, and for your gorgeous man-hair and impossibly tight pants. If you ever want to get matching tattoos, hit me up. My email is in the sidebar.

Don't Stop Believin'.

BOOM. You just got Journey-ed.

Okay, I don't know how to end this post.

Okay, I'm just going to end it.

Right...

...

...NOW.

Peace Out,

SVB

P.S. So, what will I be doing? Will I be relaxing on a beautiful beach in Hawaii, drinking pina coladas and fawning over a hot cabana boy? NO! I'll still be around at my other blog, That's What She Said. Stop by if you're bored.

Valentine's Day Treats

2011-02-14T10:55:00.000-08:00

In honor of this love-ly (see what I did there?) holiday, I've compiled a set of videos designed to set your heart on fire and make you curse the fact that you are not "going steady" with Steve Perry. So close your eyes, grab a glass of wine and a box of chocolates, and imagine that he's singing to/about you.

Question: Do you think Steve Perry is the type of man who would go to Jared?

Pop Quiz

2011-02-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

Who is "The Situation?"

Answer: Steve Perry. 'Cause he creates a sexy situation. In your pants. If ya know what I mean. If you pointed to the guy above Steve Perry, go to a chalkboard and write, "I will never defecate on Steve Perry's greatness ever again" 50,000,000 times. Be sure to write small so all 50,000,000 sentences will fit.

Guess What?!

2011-02-08T09:49:00.000-08:00

No, I did not meet Steve Perry, or even anybody that looks like Steve Perry. 'Cause if I did, the title of this post would be, "I MET STEVE FUCKING PERRY!" since I wouldn't be able to contain my excitement and build up the suspense. No, what actually happened is a lot more underwhelming but just as exciting.

What? That didn't make any sense. Anyway, I was trolling YouTube for a random clip of either Journey or Steve Perry or Steve and Neal acting gay around each other, and found this.

JOURNEY HAS ITS OWN YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Okay, in actuality, Journey could have had its own YouTube channel since 2005, but this is the first I've heard of it, SO I'M STILL EXCITED. Finally, all of Journey's music videos in once easy-to-access spot! Is it my birthday? No! It's Seth Green's!

Enjoy!

EDIT: Okay, so it appears that many of the "music videos" are crappy slideshows set to Journey music that Vevo happened to compile. Way to go, Vevo.

Crotch Shot of the Day!

2011-02-03T16:13:00.001-08:00

DUN dun dun DUN dun dun DUN DUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Guess what time it is! If you guessed Crotch Shot of the Day, you are correct! If you guessed Kate and William's wedding, you are a moron!

Today's chosen image brings you Steve Perry, Herbie Herbert, and Steve's ENORMOUS SCHLONG just hanging out. Drinking coffee. Discussing the weather. Totally ignoring the elephant in the room which is that Lil' Steve looks like it's about to bust through the zipper and force the world to notice its presence. Which is what Steve really wants. Why else would he tuck in a T-SHIRT?!

Oprah's Got a Secret!

2011-01-26T12:54:00.000-08:00

But she ain't tellin' ya. Lucky for you, I will, 'cause I'm a blabber-mouth. Ready?

Wait for it...

It's coming up...

Oprah's secret in 5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

STEVE PERRY IS HER HALF-BROTHER!

I know, right? WTF? OMFG! Holy shit! No wonder Oprah is a mega mogul. It's in her genes! If you had Steve Perry's blood coursing through your veins, you'd probably have your own talk show, your own magazine and your own television network, too! And you know she is going to whore this story out on her show, so check her website for deets.

P.S. Comment if you actually went to her website! C'mon, I won't laugh...hard.

P.P.S. Do you think she'll give everybody in the audience a free membership to ancestry.com? "YOU get a free membership, YOU get a free membership..."

A World Without Steve Perry

2011-01-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

Children, for this post, I'd like for us to exercise our imaginations a little bit. Imagine, if you will, a world without Steve Perry.

GASP! WHAT?! WHY?! Why are you trying to scare me and it isn't even Halloween! you may be thinking. Well, I'll tell ya: I was recently pondering this very thing myself, almost shat myself out of fear, and had to tell someone else about it. Look at it as a kind of therapy. For me.

Oh, the horror of a world without Steve Perry! Can you imagine? First of all, Journey wouldn't exist. Well, okay, so it would still exist, but it would probably be the weird, progressive, jazz-influenced band it used to be before Steve Perry joined in all his tight pants wearin', shiny man-hair possessin' glory. There would be no Faithfully. No Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'. No--double gasp!--Don't Stop Believin'!

CAN YOU IMAGINE A WORLD SANS DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'? What would be played at sports games to hype up the crowd and unite the people? What would be played at bars that would cause mass sing-alongs to erupt and people to go from being complete strangers to being BFFs in the span of four minutes? What song would have been played on the Sopranos' series finale? I'm sorry, but We Are the Champions just doesn't have the same panache as Don't Stop Believin'. I don't care if it was on The Mighty Ducks.

Okay, this nightmare ends now. I'm scaring myself all over again, and am very close to shitting my pants. Thank god this is only something that would happen in The Twilight Zone.

Congratulations, L.A.

2011-01-19T07:51:00.000-08:00

Here's a partial breakdown of LOMFON'S visitor stats:

-Out of the countries that have viewed this blog, the U.S.A. dominates with 401 visits.

-The state with the most visits is California, with 113, surpassing my home state of Florida, which only has a measly 49.

-The city in California with the most visits? LOS FREAKING ANGELES. So congratulations, L.A. Out of all the visitors to this blog, you love Steve Perry the most. If I were even remotely talented at HTML, scripts, Java, or any of that crap, I'd create a badge for you to post on your Facebook page. But I'm not, so you get this.

Perry vs. Schon

2011-01-12T12:18:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder how a no-holds-barred, all out battle between Steve Perry and Neal Schon would go down? Don't play, you know you have. It's legendary, right? Epic? The greatest hypothetical historical event in, well...history?

It's wrong.

Let me clarify: how you imagined it happening is wrong. I don't care if you've had a hundred thousand million bajillion fantasies about this fight, with a hundred thousand million bajillion different endings. Every. Single. One. Is. Wrong.

But I do know how it would happen, and since I'm the one with the blog, it means I'm right. So listen up.

This fight would be more epic than Rocky Balboa's fight against Apollo Creed. More glorious than when Rocky fought Apollo Creed a second time and WON. More sinister than Ivan Drago. And shorter than those feminine crop tops in Rocky 3.

Wait, what were we talking about? I got caught up in all the Rocky clips. Is it just me, or was that training sequence in Rocky 3 hella long? Anyway, back on track, children.

IT'S GOING TO BE AN AWESOME FUCKING FIGHT.

The fight would start with Steve letting Neal hit him a few times, the operative word being "letting." If he wanted to, Steve could pull some judo-type shit on Neal and emerge victorious in a second. Literally, one second. But this is Neal Schon we're talking about. Considering how much history the two have between them, Perry is going to amuse himself at Neal's expense and play with him a little bit. Take some hits and fake him out. Boost his confidence until he gets too cocky and lets down his guard.

Which is exactly what happens. Neal begins to taunt and say the same clichéd phrases d-bags all over the world utter when in the same situation: "Whatsa matter, tough guy?" punch! "Not so touch now, are we?" punch! punch! And then the mistake: "You gonna go cry to your mommy?"

Oh, HELL NO, he did not just say that. One of the things that Steve Perry will not tolerate is smack talk about his mother. He will go apeshit on the offender and ruin his or her life. Legend has it that Fidel Castro dissed Perry's mother one time and Steve STRUCK HIM DOWN WITH SICKNESS. So you can imagine how perilous a situation in which Neal now finds himself.

In the blink of an eye, Perry roundhouse kicks Neal in the face, knocking him back. Neal, caught off guard, manages to stagger to his feet, only to receive a powerful sucker-punch in his mouth, which knocks out some of his teeth. He tries to hit back, but Perry catches his fist and squeezes it so hard the bones start to break. Then he head-butts him to the ground. Neal is rendered unconscious, and is bleeding profusely. As if by magic (actually, it is totally because of magic), a Sharpie marker appears in Steve Perry's hand, and he draws a crude picture of a penis with the head of it pointing toward Neal's mouth and the words Don't Stop Believin' on top, cementing his victory.

"Boom," Steve says, standing up and throwing the marker onto Neal's limp body. "You just got Journey-ed."

Fact or Fiction?

2011-01-06T10:28:00.001-08:00

One of Tiger Woods' whores was Steve Perry.

Fiction. Tiger Woods was Steve Perry's whore.

Steve Perry's New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-05T05:57:00.000-08:00

1. Brush the ol' mane until it glows effervescently.

2. Add more ball-busting pants and women's blouses to the wardrobe. Hmm...maybe some vests, too. Not sure why I abandoned that trend.

3. Either bury the hatchet with Neal or kick his ass. Not sure which yet.

4. Start my Year of Celibacy. It's time I worked on myself and---LOL. Man. I couldn't even type that without laughing.

5. Maybe come out with some new stuff. Maybe.

6. Watch Glee.

7. Go to more baseball games and hype the crowd. They really seem to love that.

8. Chill with Sarah Silverman. You know, she tells the best---er, never mind. Don't want to add fuel to that fire.

9. Enter every single karaoke contest in the USA. And Canada. And Mexico. And WIN THEM ALL. Except I'll have to enter under my pseudonym, Peve Sterry.

10. Get a manicure. What, that's manly! What's the beginning of that word? That's what I thought.

Guess What?

2010-12-25T17:56:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Er, wait--that's not right.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Much better. Anyway, hope yours was awesome and all that jazz. Here's a little something from all of us at Lover of Many, Father of None. And when I say, "all of us," what I really mean is, "just me," and when I say, "Here's a little something from all of us," what I really mean is, "I totally hijacked this video from YouTube and am passing it off to you as a crappy regift." Enjoy.

Fun Factoid About Stevie Claus #6

2010-12-23T17:39:00.000-08:00

Stevie Claus wouldn't dare arrive in your house via the chimney and spoil his luxurious red satin track suit. He teleports himself into your home. He's that badass.

Fun Factoid About Stevie Claus #5

2010-12-21T06:50:00.000-08:00

Don't worry about leaving milk and cookies out for Stevie Claus. They are too inferior for his stomach. What should you leave out instead? Scotch. The good kind. Unless you want sub-par hair care products under your tree.

Fun Factoid About Stevie Claus #4

2010-12-20T07:56:00.000-08:00

Stevie Claus' ride isn't a sleigh. It's your mom.

In case you didn't know, this is your mom.

Fun Factoid About Stevie Claus #3

2010-12-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

Stevie Claus' workshop isn't filled with elves making toys. Instead, it's his former Journey band members. And it's more like slave labor.

Fun Factoid About Stevie Claus #2

2010-12-16T06:24:00.001-08:00

Stevie Claus is the real reason the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day.

Fun Factoid About Stevie Clause #1

2010-12-15T15:23:00.000-08:00

So you can make the most of this holiday season, I'm going to post a fun factoid about Stevie Claus everyday until Christmas. And if I forget a day, feel free to barrage me with your rage and insensitive personal attacks.

FUN FACTOID #1

If you've been naughty, Stevie Claus won't give you a lump of coal. Instead, you'll find a collection of sub-par hair care products under your tree. And if you've been good? He gives you a bone. In a sexual way.

Seen and Heard

2010-12-13T09:54:00.000-08:00

Heard: "Any Way You Want It"

Location: The Hulk roller coaster at Universal's Islands of Adventure

What's better than riding an awesome roller coaster? LISTENING TO JOURNEY WHILE WAITING TO RIDE AN AWESOME ROLLER COASTER. On Saturday, my friend Arleen and I went to Islands of Adventure, where we were treated to an impromptu performance of "Any Way You Want It" by one of the employees manning The Hulk roller coaster. In the interest of honesty, I should disclose that it wasn't the entire song, just the phrases, "Any way you want it/ That's the way you need it," but still. It was a fun surprise, and it almost made up for the fact that our ride on the coaster was delayed because of a puker in the front row.

Fact or Fiction?

2010-12-01T07:31:00.000-08:00

"Your Body is a Wonderland" is about Steve Perry.

Well, doy! Who else would it be about? Amateurs. Come back when you decide not to waste my time.

Also, watch this video.

Crotch Shot of the Day!

2010-11-29T10:18:00.001-08:00

Hey, you! How was your Thanksgiving? Did you eat lots of turkey? Go overboard on the pumpkin pie? Drink copious amounts of liquor and do a ton of blow, causing you to pass out in a dumpster ten miles from where you live, where you wake up and realize that your pants are missing and someone named Bessie wrote her phone number on your hand? No? Oh well. There's always next year.

Anyway, I thought, what better way to welcome you back from the holiday weekend than with a picture that showcases Steve Perry's schlong? Consider this my belated Thanksgiving gift to you. You're welcome.

Bonus points for this picture being somewhat in the spirit of the holiday season and showcasing those incredibly loud red pants, which are housing incredibly long Lil' Steve! It looks like Steve is saying to someone off-camera, "Yo. What up? What did you say about my dance? Oh, my pants! Yeah, they're great, aren't they? Check it: on sale at Penney's for $15! Sure, I can't feel anything from the waist down, since the only size they had left was two sizes smaller than what I should wear, but, Jesus, what a deal!"

I don't know how he was able to breathe, or sing, or do anything other than cry out in extreme discomfort in these slacks, but then again, Steve Perry is magical and can pretty much do anything that would make lesser men throw in the towel. Also, his bad ass factor is upped to infinity with the addition of that fly-as-shit white coat. Take a long look, kids. You're staring at sheer perfection.

Thanksgiving, Steve Perry-Style

2010-11-23T06:39:00.000-08:00

Well, kids, it's that time of year again. I alluded to it in this post. Steve Perry has been prepping for it for the past month. That's right! It's time for the 53rd Annual Perry-riffic Thanksgiving Day Extravaganza!

Now I could describe this event to you in painstaking detail, but I figured you might more clearly get the picture if I just threw up a few videos that let you visually get a feel for what's going down on Thursday.

It starts with a little of this:

Is sprinkled with a little of this:

Mixed with a little of this:

And all of it's heavily covered with a thick layer of this:

Anybody who has ever attended this fiesta has reported as never being so glad that the pilgrims made landfall on our fair soil as they were when they were at that party. So pass the cranberry sauce, load your plate up with turkey, and let's all give thanks for friends, family, discovering new worlds, and Steve Perry. Happy Thanksgiving!

Steve Perry Video of the Day

2010-11-15T12:00:00.000-08:00

If you've ever found yourself staring at a crappy, run-down building and thought, "Gee, I sure wish Steve Perry would appear to look pensive and provide some background music while I contemplate how this building is symbolic of the fall of mankind," then LOOK NO FURTHER! This music video is for you, brother! Bonus: there are also gratuitous behind-the-scenes shots of Steve Perry's glorious man-hair. You're welcome.

Steve Perry and Journey Reuniting?

2010-11-14T13:23:00.000-08:00

There's a rumor going around that Steve Perry asked to rejoin Journey. You can either read the story via the link above, or just read my paraphrase:

Steve Perry: OMG! Can I join Journey again?

Neal Schon: Hells naw, bitch, that ship's done sailed.

As majestic as it would be to have the Journey of yore together again, I call shenanigans. Why? Because Steve Perry is busy enough as it is being way too much of a badass. In addition to battling Jon Bon Jovi, 2010 has seen him rocking the shit out of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, cleaning his house with the help of his woodland friends, and entertaining a bromance with Neal Schon. And that's not even the tip of the iceberg. Currently, he's planning his 53rd Annual Perry-riffic Thanksgiving Day Extravaganza (complete with his very own personal Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade!), and he helped a helpless old woman assemble her curio cabinet. So you see, he has way more awesome stuff to do than rejoin a band who peaked in the 80s. But hey, if this turns out to be true, and he does end up fronting Journey again, you know I'll be first in line for tickets.

Halloween! Candy! Costumes! Steve Perry!

2010-10-29T17:45:00.000-07:00

Ah, Halloween. The one day of the year where it's perfectly acceptable to indulge in our deluded fantasies about being Dick Tracy and beg our neighbors for candy like a bum. In a massive race to see who can come down with Type 2 Diabetes the fastest, we shovel candy, cookies and other Halloween treats by the fistful into our pie-holes, only to experience a stark crash and subsequent sugar coma that we could never hope to replicate on our best days. It's a magical holiday.

Steve Perry is no stranger to Halloween revelry. His costume parties are part of San Francisco legend, notorious for flirting with death and dismemberment. Guests play Bobbing for Apples Without Razor Blades (the first person to bite into a razor-free apple wins!), Russian Roulette, Real Life Minesweeper, and Twister. Winner of the costume contest gets to have sex with Steve at his discretion, and Halloween-themed finger foods and cocktails are bountiful. This guy is also there. It's invitation-only, and the prestige that comes with being personally summoned by Steve Perry outweighs the risk to life and limb. In layman's terms, it's a fucking awesome party.

Now you may be asking yourself, "Who or what is Steve Perry dressing up as this year? I can't really see him as being anything other than his bad ass self." Well, Friend, Steve actually shares that same exact sentiment, which is why he goes as Steve Perry every single year. He even went as Steve Perry when he was a kid because even back then he knew he was hot shit. You see, he doesn't feel the need to play pretend because he is the apex of everything wondrous and cool. Everything else--witches, wizards, princesses, devils, ghosts, every other costume in existence--is just blah. So in honor of Steve Perry and Halloween, I present to you Steve Perry's top 5 Steve Perry costumes:

Pensive Steve Perry--Halloween 1984

Color Block Steve Perry--Halloween 1982

Ironically Grunge Steve Perry--Halloween 1994

Steve Perry in a Woman's Blouse--Halloween 1979

Asian Sleeveless T-Shirt Steve Perry--Halloween 1979

Happy Halloween!

All pictures from here.

Steve Perry Sing-Along!

2010-10-26T13:30:00.001-07:00

Does the fact that you weren't there to partake in Steve Perry's sing-along painfully eat away at your soul? And if you were there, I hate you. Not really. But kinda. I don't hate Lara Hartley, though, because she sent me this link. So thanks, Lara.

Surprise!

2010-10-19T15:40:00.000-07:00

In my previous post, I revealed that I would be going out of town, but when I came back, I would have a surprise for the blog. Well, I am back, which means that it's time to hold up my promise. But first, a back story:

Yesterday, I got back from an extended weekend in Pasadena, California, where I was visiting some friends. Since the last time I laid eyes on southern California I was a year old, I wanted to see all the cool, touristy things in L.A., one of which was the Hollywood Walk of Fame. As my friend and I were walking up and down the boulevard, living just to find emotion (see what I did there?) we stumbled across this little gem:

SURPRISE! It's the mother freaking Journey star, peeps! I saw it in the flesh, and photographically documented it for your ocular pleasure! And just so you know I'm for reals and not a lying whore, I also took a picture of me posing with the star.

You'll also notice that in true Journey-dork form, I am rocking the Journey t-shirt I procured back in May. Photographic evidence for the win! Speaking of being honest, I should also disclose that when I say we "stumbled upon" the Journey star, what I really mean is I found its address and obsessively dragged my poor friend up and down the boulevard until we found it. But wait! That's not all! As we were walking through the Ripley's Believe It or Not museum, we came across a display of unused concert tickets from classic rock n' roll acts and guess what I saw?

Word! It was a Jouney-riffic trip to the Hollywood Boulevard, and the only thing that could have made it sweeter was if there were a Steve Perry wax figure at Madame Tussauds. But beggars can't be choosers, am I right or am I right?

Okay, I realize that this "surprise" may be a little anti-climactic, especially since I already uploaded the photo of the Journey star to Twitter while in California. I also realize that all of my "surprises" I've posted on this blog have probably been disappointing and a waste of time, and for that I wish I could I say I am sorry, but I'm really not. Whaddya want from me? Like the "about me" says, I'm just a girl who loves me some Steve Perry and Journey. That's it. I have no magic powers, or a rich and powerful sugar daddy who could grant my every wish. (Although I am taking applications. And when I say, "I am taking applications," I mean I'm taking applications from Mike Rowe or Curtis Stone or Rob Dyrdek. Word up on that.) I do what I can, and if that means dashing your hopes with mediocrity, then so be it. I still saw and touched the Journey star, though, so nanny nanny boo boo.

Edit: I had to add Rob Dyrdek to my list of potential sugar daddies because I'm always talking about how I want to marry him, and as my friend Taylor pointed out, I made the gross mistake of leaving him out. She said that by doing so, I just ruined any chances of Rob Dyrdek stumbling upon my blog and crossing me off of his list of potential sugar daddy recipients. When I said that he probably doesn't make a list, she said that he did because he was like a Sugar Daddy Santa Claus and he will cross me off his list. She said that by reminding me of this mistake and making sure I rectified it, she just saved Rob's and my marriage and that was maid of honor material. I have to agree.

Steve Perry At a Baseball Game

2010-10-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

Starting tomorrow, I will be going out of town for a week, and when I come back, I will hopefully have a surprise for the blog. In the meantime, I will post a pic that's been floating around all over the interwebs. You guys have probably seen it by now, but I don't care.

Pictured: Steve Perry enjoying him some San Francisco Giants baseball while talking the ear off of the person next to him who clearly doesn't give a crap and oblivious to the kid on his other side with the creepy hand sticking out of his baseball mitt. First of all, what the fuck is up with that kid's baseball mitt? I know it's a fake hand (if it is indeed a hand), but still, what is the point of owning a mitt with a hand already inside of it? And the hand isn't even in the right way! At first I was creeped out, but the more I fixate on the pointlessness of that getup, the more annoyed I become. I mean, seriously, whose bright idea was it to construct a baseball glove with a hand already inside and inside the wrong way? And who would buy such a thing? Stupid world, I tell ya.

Secondly, the person who Steve is talking to better recognize. Steve is clearly an engaged and active participant in the conversation, and the other person looks like he's thinking, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, shut yer trap, Ponytail Boy, and let me enjoy my beer and baseball in peace and frigging QUIET!" Does that person know that he is being graced by the one, the only, the GREAT Steve Perry? The man who can give PIOs to the entire United States of America simultaneously while eating a Stouffer's macaroni and cheese frozen dinner?

The man Obama admits to having had a sex dream about without reservation?* That Steve Perry?! That person should be praising God on high that Steve decided to spend a few moments of his precious time on him! Steve could be doing a lot more fun and important things like saving pandas and winning Rubik's Cube contests, but he chose instead to kindly give that person the gift of his company and conversation. And that person doesn't even appreciate it.

Thirdly, what you don't see is that this is actually a picture of Steve being a complete and total badass. Don't believe me? Look at where his seats are. They're okay, but they're not the greatest seats in the stadium. If he wanted to, Steve Perry probably could have gotten a seat in the damn dugout with the team, but he opted out of using his celebrity to get sweet seats and instead chose to watch the game with the rest of the plebes. It's been reported that he even sang along with "Don't Stop Believin'!" Wait, what's that you said? Can you repeat it, please? I can't hear you over the sound of Steve Perry's AWESOMENESS.

*not really

Steve Perry Video of the Day

2010-10-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

Sent to me by a reader, this is another video of Steve getting all crazy on a concert-goer who throws a bottle at Neal Schon and makes contact, causing him to bleed (5:47). Note that this is a different occasion than the one documented in this post. Personally, I think it's sweet how worked-up Steve gets. Very knight-in-shining-armor-meets-Clark-Griswold-meltdown.

Reason #9,548,742 Why Steve Perry is a God Among Men

2010-10-03T14:31:00.000-07:00

He literally shits rainbows and children's laughter. And it does smell like roses.

*Image from Something Awful

Steve Perry Video of the Day

2010-09-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to make this a regular feature on LOMFON. I mean, writing about Steve Perry's greatness and glorious man-hair is one thing, but watching it in action is an entirely different beast. If you think about it, reading about Steve Perry is the equivalent of trying pot for the first time: it's probably shitty weed, but since it's your first experience and you don't know any better, it's the single greatest high of your life. Watching Steve, however, is like smoking quality weed: the high you get is more like a religious experience. I'm guessing. The extent of my knowledge of marijuana is gleaned entirely from watching Weeds, bumming a drag off a joint from a gay man in Miami, and purchasing a $20 "dime" bag from a man at a gas station who offered me a bite of his donut.

So for the very first video in this series, I present to you...the video equivalent of shitty marijuana. I'm sorry. This is just the audio recording of Steve Perry's tirade after someone in the audience of this particular concert hit him in the head with something. Think of it as the Christian Bale rant of the eighties. But it's still fun to listen to because it sounds like Steve lays the friggin' smack down on that sumbitch.

Like I said: Don't make Steve Perry angry.

Fact or Fiction?

2010-09-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

Steve Perry is a glorious bastard.

Hell yes Steve Perry is a glorious bastard, and you should be thanking your lucky stars every day that you get to live on the same planet as him. Every time you admire the moon or the stars, Steve Perry could be looking at that exact same scene. Doesn't that just blow your frigging mind? And if you're one of the elite few that's gotten to meet him, then look out. You've already pushed your luck far enough, so be prepared to be struck by lightning or hit by a train or something. It's all gotta even out, boos.

Let's all take a moment out of our sad and pathetic lives to reflect on Steve Perry's awesomeness and the fact that even when he's wearing a red coat and busting out the finger bang, he still looks cooler than you.

P.S. Brett and David are still alive. Their hair looks like shit, though. They got lucky this time.

Public Journey in a Barbershop

2010-09-14T06:23:00.000-07:00

A reader emailed me yesterday about his recent experience with Public Journey in a barbershop. I thought it was pretty funny, so I decided to share it here. Man, I wish I were a fly on the wall when this happened...

About a month ago I was in Tim's Barbershop getting my haircut, and it was just me and the barberlady, (which is unusually slow for the place). Normally they have the dozen or two TV's on in there tuned to sports games, but that day the TV's were off and the radio was on (probably because it was slow).

Faithfully comes on, and you know I'm about to make a joke about that Steve Perry and his handsome man hair when the barberlady starts quietly singing the song. And so I think she's just going to sing the few opening lines, but instead she sings the whole song, every word of it, including the whoa-oh-oh-oh's at the end. And I couldn't be all ironic and snarky about it because she was really feelin' it, I mean, downright melancholy as she sang the song.

In honor of the barberlady, let's sing together, shall we?

Whoa-oh-oh-oh

Faithfully!

Whoa-oh-oh-oh

I am yooouuurrrsss

Faithfuleeee!

Don't Make Steve Perry Angry

2010-09-13T08:35:00.000-07:00

You wouldn't like him when he's angry. In addition to people talking shit about his mom, the thing Steve hates the most in this world are when so-called Journey fans fail to list Journey or a Journey album on a "favorites" list. It doesn't even have to be an official "favorites" list, like those found on VH1; you could simply be shooting the shit with your friends, or sending out a fun email list to co-workers. But if you're a Journey fan, and don't include Journey on your list, you will anger Steve Perry. Folks, when Steve gets angry, like really angry, you have reason to be afraid. It is literally a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformation. When Steve gets wind of a Journey fan failing to give Journey any sort of respect or mention, he will hunt them down and fuck them up. And not in a sexual way. There have been reports where victims of his wrath have been left blind and their hair transformed into something that Don King would sport. It's not pretty, okay?

I have to confess something to you guys. I am scared. Brett, a good friend of mine, recently posted a "15 Albums" list on Facebook, and he forgot to include to Journey in the 15. This is big-time, serious stuff, people! I am terrified that Steve Perry is going to visit him at some point in the next 24-48 hours and fuck him up (let me repeat: NOT in a sexual way)! I'm also kind of jealous that he'll get to meet Steve Perry, but it's a small amount in comparison to my terror. You could say the ratio of my terror to my jealousy is 90:10. Okay, more like 80:20, but still. I'm more terrified than jealous. If Brett comes out of this with only a Don King hair makeover, he should consider himself lucky. I doubt it, though. I'll keep you guys updated as to whether or not he's still alive.

P.S. He's still alive--for now.

P.P.S. I just realized something else! My friend David forgot to include Journey on his "15 Albums" list, too! Crap. Shit just got real.

Journey: The Rocumentary

2010-09-09T07:17:00.001-07:00

A reader recently sent me the link to this YouTube channel of Journey spoofs. While the music video spoofs are funny, what really had me LOL-ing was this mock rocumentary:

What really won me over? The brief flash of a Jonathan Taylor Thomas pinup with the confession,"Steve Perry is my real father." Brings me back to the days when JTT posters were plastered all over my walls and BOP magazines littered my bedroom. Ah, 2006. Okay, okay--it was really 1997. You got me. And the touch of Journey mixed in with said former child star-slash-tween heartthrob? Genius. Although Steve Perry will always be the Lover of Many, Father of NONE, I do wish he really were JTT's father. That would just be...taneriffic ('cause they're both tan, get it?).

Seen and Heard

2010-09-01T06:06:00.000-07:00

Actually I'm cheating with this one, because I neither saw or heard this particular instance of "Public Journey" (which is what I'm officially nicknaming the magical occurrence of randomly hearing Journey music in public places), but it happened and there were pictures. Last week was student move in day at the university where I work, and apparently the university's ensemble band played "Don't Stop Believin'" in the lobby of one of the dorms to welcome the students and get them pumped up for the coming academic year.

This officially makes the university where I work the most awesome university in the USA--perhaps the world even. This even makes it cooler than my alma mater, which I thought could do no wrong. It should be mandatory that every school, whether it's a university or a primary school, have some sort of assembly in the mornings where "Don't Stop Believin'" is played at the end, right before the start of classes, to get the students pumped up. I guarantee you that if this happened, grades and student behavior would improve, drug use would decrease, and bullies would be rendered obsolete because this song has the fuckin' power to improve the human condition and bring people together.

Spread the word, people! Let's start our journey to bring Journey to our schools (see what I did there?).

Farewell, Sweet Summer

2010-08-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

So as we're enjoying these last fleeting weeks of sweet, sweet summer and getting ready to usher in the fall, there's probably one burning question on everyone's minds: how did Steve Perry spend his summer?

The short answer is, he spent it being way more awesome than you. That is not intended to hurt your feelings; it is simply a cold, hard fact. The long answer is thus:

Steve Perry's summer was way better than yours. If you could combine ten of your most awesome summers with a Snoop Dogg music video and sprinkle in a generous helping of LSD, it still would not compare to even a day of Steve Perry's summer. Steve kicked off the season with a trip to the wilds of Africa in which he wrestled a pack of lions--for fun. He then went on to be honored as chief of a remote African tribe, nursed an orphaned tiger cub (yes, you read that right) and did, in fact, trip on a bit of LSD under the wide open African night sky in which the stars twinkled like diamonds. When he got back stateside, he took a few ladies up to his love lair, held his annual Fourth of July bash, rehabilitated a handicapped baby dolphin (which now resides in his personal aquarium, by the way--its name is Sherrie) and saw Journey live in concert, just to see if he was missing anything (he wasn't). Oh, and he also experienced ten of your most awesome summers combined, made a cameo in a Snoop Dogg music video and did another round of LSD. With Snoop Dogg. And Sherrie. The baby dolphin, not Sherrie Swafford.

So...what did you do this summer?

Fact or Fiction?

2010-08-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

Ashton Kutcher started the trucker hat trend.

Nope. Wrong. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Unless you're blind (in which case, what are you doing on a computer and how the hell did you get here?!), you can clearly see in the above picture that it was Steve Perry who made the trucker hat cool long before Mr. Demi Moore. Which, considering that Steve is the ambassador of all things cool, trendy, hip, bad ass and lame things which he makes cool, trendy, hip, and bad ass, it's no big surprise. Ashton's foray into trucker hats was just a pathetic attempt to emulate something Steve Perry did, and considering how awesome this photo is just makes Ashton's attempt look like that time America tried to bring "Coupling" to its audiences and failed miserably.

P.S. Screen cap provided by the lovely Lara Hartley.

Talkin' 'Bout Man-Hair

2010-08-02T10:14:00.001-07:00

Honestly, I can't say anything that hasn't already been said about Steve Perry's man-hair, but when I saw this photo, I thought, Day-um! I do believe this might be one of the best photos that show off the 'ol mane--and I think Steve knows it too. Just look at his face. It says, "Yes, you are staring at perfection. God, it's good to be me." Bastard.

Let's all take a few moments to admire these gorgeous tresses and curse our crap hair. Because no matter how much we wash it, no matter how many fine products we put it in it, it will indeed look like crap next to Steve Perry's.

What Would I Do If I Ever Met Steve Perry?

2010-07-22T17:31:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in this post last month, there are a few people with whom I keep in touch quite frequently via email. Our conversations are mainly about Steve Perry, Journey, music in general, Steve Perry, Steve Perry, and Steve Perry. And since some of us in the group are writers, we may link to a piece we've written if we think the others might enjoy it. But every so often, the question of, "What would we do if we ever got the chance to actually meet Steve Perry?" comes up, and my answer is always the same: get a photo op of the two of us doing something completely random and/or ridiculous that's in keeping with this blog. Examples include, but are not limited to, the following:

-Steve and I playing either Connect Four or Battleship

-Steve and I singing a duet at some hole-in-the-wall karaoke bar (The trashier the bar, the better!)

-Steve and I frolicking in a field with adorable puppies (I'm crazy allergic to felines. Sorry, cat lovers.)

-Steve and I getting matching tattoos

-Steve and I in a heated discussion concerning the "Who shot J.R.?" episode of Dallas

-Steve and I painting each other's faces (I want mine to be a tiger--rawr!)

Out of all of those examples, I like the matching tattoos the best. In fact, I like it so much, that I'm going to answer definitively, if I ever met Steve Perry, I'd get pictorial evidence of us getting matching tattoos. Currently, I don't have any tattoos, because there's nothing that I really want on my body permanently, but you can bet your sweet bippy that if an opportunity to get matching tats with Steve Perry ever presented itself, I'd jump on it faster than a cougar on Taylor Lautner.

I can just picture it: It's Monday morning. I'm drinking some coffee and trying to put off going to work for as long as humanly possible. I check my email and see a message from a sender named Steve Perry. It reads: "SVB, you're a cool chick. I think we should meet and get matching tattoos. You in or you out?" I'd be in, Steve. I'd be in so hard, you wouldn't even see it coming, even though you were looking for it. And I realize that last sentence sounds a little naughty, but whatever. You know what I mean.

Now, what kind of tattoos would we get? At first I thought about maybe getting LOMFON (this blog's initials), but quickly nixed the idea. That's giving this blog waaaayyyy too much credit. While it's a fun time-waster, it's not tattoo-worthy. At all.

Then I thought about one of us getting "Don't Stop" and the other getting "Believin'" so that when we put them together, it reads, "Don't Stop Believin'." Kind of like when a couple has twins but can only afford to keep one, but before getting rid of the other, they give them each half a pendant, so when fate brings the twins together later on in life and they see that their halves fit perfectly together, they realize they're long-lost siblings and have an emotional reunion. But that didn't seem right either.

And then I thought, why not go old school and get tats of each other's names? So that's what I decided on. If Steve Perry and I get matching tattoos, it'll be of each other's names. I'll get one on the inside of my wrist that says "Steve Perry" and he'll get one on the inside of his that says "SVB." It'll make people wonder: are we lovers? Are we secretly married? Did we start a singing duet? And then we'll laugh and say, none of the above. We're just pals.

And, like I said before, there would be pictorial evidence, mainly so I could post it here and verify my claim that yes, Steve Perry and I actually got matching tattoos. (Although now that I think about it, getting tats of each other's names doesn't necessarily constitute as matching, but whatever.)

P.S. Also, the tattoos we'd get would be ambigrams because those are too cool for school.

Crotch Shot of the Day!

2010-07-21T11:48:00.001-07:00

So I've been thinking, what better way to drag myself out of my staycation coma than with a rousing discussion about Steve's nethers? What, you agree? You think it's a great idea? This is why we're friends.

Oh, Steve. SteveSteveSteveSTEVE. Why do you do this to yourself, man? I mean, look at you in this picture--you're hunched over in PAIN! Sure, you may say it's because you're just feelin' the music, but come on--we know the truth. Those nut-crunchers are painful. Just admit it. I mean, we can all see it. Admitting that your boys are in agony doesn't make you a weak man; it makes you honest.

Tell me, Steve--did you have to ice down, your, you know, area after that performance? Or did you just drink the pain away?

*Picture from the Steve Perry gallery on Picasa: http://picasaweb.google.com/SteveeePerry

Question of the Day

2010-07-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

Would you trust your skin to Sherrie Swafford?

Yes, that Sherrie Swafford. Not too long ago, I was tipped off by an anonymous* comment on this post that "Oh Sherrie" had a skin care line. After scouring the web and consulting KGB to find more information (KGB text: "It is rumored that Sherrie Swafford does have a skin care line, but no information can be found where to get it."), all I managed to come up with was this Yahoo! directory listing. That's it. No website with fancy graphics and an online store. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Just a directory listing of a salon out in Bakersfield, California that could quite possibly be Sherrie's salon, which leads me to believe that it's a small operation. The listing does have a picture, though--what do you think? I think it could be her.

But back to the question at hand. Assuming that the salon in Bakersfield does belong to Steve Perry's ex, and assuming you're actually in Bakersfield to visit it, would you buy any of her products? The one review on the directory claims that they're good products. Know what my answer would be?

HELL YES! People, this is a skin care line by Sherrie Swafford. The Sherrie Swafford who dated Steve Perry back in the day, the Sherrie Swafford who was so close to his perfect complexion she could touch it. Or kiss it. Or swipe some DNA to use in some future capacity, which it looks like she has. Guys, you know what's really in those little jars and bottles that stock the shelves of that salon in Bakersfield? Steve Perry Complexion DNA. Sherrie has found a way to harness it, mass produce it and share it with the world, so we can all dip our toes in Steve's personal Fountain of Youth. Or at least the citizens in Bakersfield can, anyway. This is the single greatest contribution to society, ever, which is why I think Ms. Swafford should be awarded the Nobel Prize in BETTERING THE FREAKING WORLD. But before she can win that award, she needs to share it with the freaking world. So, Sherrie, what gives? Why you holding out on the rest of us, boo?

So tell me--would you trust your skin to Sherrie?

*Actually, I think I know who the comment was from, but since they posted it anonymously, I don't want to "out" them if they don't want to be "outed," know what I'm sayin'?

A Hairy Situation

2010-07-08T17:47:00.000-07:00

The other day, my friend Taylor heard on the radio that Jon Bon Jovi was voted as having the best hair of the eighties. Now I don't know who participated in the vote or how official it is, but I do know that it is some bullshit because everybody knows that Steve Perry had the best hair of the eighties, the nineties and today. I actually think that Jesus proclaimed that Steve had the best hair shortly before turning the water into wine at that wedding, but somehow that little detail got left out of the New Testament. Anyway, apparently Steve thought it was bullshit too, so he called Jon and they battled it out as only men with cool man-hair can do.

The battle took place in the private salon on Steve's property, 5000 square feet of the best shampoos, conditioners, serums, and flat irons money can buy. It also has plenty of space, so that Steve could throw dance parties in it if he ever got the inkling. Or kick someone's ass as was the case in this situation.

Jon arrived wearing a getup that looked akin to Van Helsing's costume. His weapons of choice were a jumbo can of Aqua Net, which everybody knows can shellac everything from your hair to a baby monkey, and a family-size bottle of John Frieda's Frizz-Ease. Amateur. Steve knew that it would be an easily-won fight, but decided to humor Jon so he could lose with dignity. His weapons of choice were ultra-hold gel (the kind that turns your hair into plastic), a blow-drier that blew air at speeds that weren't legal, and a flat-iron. His outfit of choice? This one.

Jon looked Steve up and down and smirked. "You might as well quit now, old man," he said. "Bon Jovi doesn't fight fair."

"Bon Jovi is the name of your band," responded Steve. "Is your entire band here? Nope. It's just you and me, son, so you better start referring to yourself as Jon."

"Bon Jovi is my last name," Jon replied.

"I thought it was Bongiovi," Steve said.

"Your mom's name is Bongiovi."

"You sonofabitch!" Steve screamed. Jon had crossed a line. NOBODY talked about Steve's mother like that, and those who did elicited an angry reaction of Hulk-like proportions. Quick as a cat, he pointed the blow-drier at Jon and turned it on, sending his opponent careening to the opposite end of the salon. Stunned and shaky, John got to his knees.

"Go ahead! Say something else about my mom! Go ahead!" Steve taunted.

Jon quickly got his bearings and raced back to Steve, pulling out the can of Aqua Net. He aimed, and hit Steve squarely on the forehead and shellaced his face for fifteen minutes.

"Hahaha! Your face is frozen, sucka!" Jon yelled triumphantly, doing the Dance of Joy victoriously. Watching Steve careening around the salon in confusion, he grinned wickedly as he pulled out the Frizz-Ease and prepared to squirt it all over the ground with the intent that Steve would slip, fall, and lose.

"Get ready to kiss that precious title good-bye," he said, shaking the Frizz-Ease bottle for nothing more than dramatic effect. "By the way--your hair looks like a cheap weave."

Suddenly Steve stopped careening, and in one fluid motion took out his bottle of ultra-hold gel and squired Jon mercilessly until he turned into plastic and fell over backwards.

"Silly boy, you can't freeze my face," he said, towering over the lifeless Jon and removing the hairspray which had congealed into some sort of mask. "It's like butter. And while I will always and forever hold the title of best hair, don't stop believin'. These battles liven up my day. Also, you just got Journey-ed."

With that, he packed up Plastic Jon and shipped him back to Richie Sambora, who, upon opening the package, curled up in the fetal position on his bathroom floor, stuck his thumb in his mouth, and stayed in that position for three days. When he finally emerged from his self-inflicted coma, he found Jon, once again human, chain-smoking crack and shaking. Neither one had anything to do with Steve Perry ever again.

Question of the Day

2010-06-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

How awesome would it be if Peeps issued a Steve Perry Peep?

This isn't even a yes or no question because no doubt about it, a Steve Perry Peep would be awesome as hell. Anybody who thinks otherwise is a douchebag. However, just how awesome it would be is up for debate. I don't even like Peeps, but if they came out with a Steve Perry Peep, I'd spend most of my disposable income buying as much of those little bastards as humanly possible. Just imagine: the glorious man-hair (in marshmallow form)! The vintage Journey outfit! The fact that it's a fucking STEVE PERRY PEEP! Wait a minute, I think I just--yeah. I just had an idea.

What if they came out with Peeps of the whole damn band?

People, this needs to happen. We need to get in touch with Peeps Corporation or Peeps Company or whoever the hell it is that makes Peeps and request Journey Peeps.

What outfits would you like to see the Steve Perry Peep rock? How 'bout the rest of the band?

Yo, Peep 'Dis!

2010-06-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

First off, my apologies to anyone who read the title of this post and got all excited, thinking we were about to embark on a fantastical journey (see what I did there?) to the land of the marshmallow treats. Sorry, boo. Go to the grocery store to get your fix. Secondly, I've been meaning to update this blog, but my laziness and Discovery Health documentaries like "The Woman With 15 Personalities" keep distracting me (and I'm sorry, but not even Steve Perry can compete with a woman who has 15 personalities). Luckily, I'm blessed to have a circle of email pals (pen pals of the 21st century, get with the program, people) who a) love Steve Perry just as much as I do, b) are excellent writers and c) sometimes choose to combine the two. One such email pal, Lara, has posted her own Steve Perry essay on her site, Lara's Lane. In addition to being a Steve Perry lover and an excellent writer (which makes her super cool, by the way), she is also a photographer. And, incidentally, she did write a story about Peeps.

Another email pal of mine, Ross Muir of Fabrications, (who is also super cool), just issued a third edition of an eBook he wrote, called One in a Million-A Vocal Analysis of The Voice. For those of you having a hard time keeping up, it's an eBook about Steve Perry. You can download it here.

And, finally, if you haven't done so yet (even though I've linked to it dozens of times--well, maybe not DOZENS, but a few times), check out Chosen Madness, written by yet another super-cool email pal of mine, Deb. It is her own analysis and hyperbole about Steve Perry.

And just because I know you're still not satisfied:

Takin' it to the Next Level

2010-06-17T12:33:00.001-07:00

Hey guys, remember back when I was all about Steve Perry and Neal Schon having a secret bromance and that their "fight" was nothing but a publicity stunt? (See also here and here.) Remember how I also said that after posting that trifecta of IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE I would shut my yap about the subject once and for all? Boy, that sure was funny, right? Good times, yes? And you really didn't want me to shut my yap about it, right? You enjoyed my conspiracy theory, right?

I knew you would. Which is why I'm flappin' my gums about it yet again. You're welcome.

What if Steve and Neal's friendship turned out to be more than just platonic man-love? What if they took their relationship to the next level? You know what I'm talkin' 'bout. I'm talkin' 'bout l-o-v-e. Luurve. Man-love of the non-platonic variety. What if Steve and Neal got all romantical on us? Personally, I think it would be the single greatest love story of our time. It would rival the likes of The Notebook. Love Story. Sleepless in Seattle. Except it would be REAL. Doesn't that concept just blow your frigging mind? Now imagine them taking it to the next step and getting MARRIED. Woah. Just--woah. Their wedding would rival the late Princess Diana's in popularity and overall awesomeness. In fact, I think Steve would grow out his man-hair and don that red flowy blouse he wore in the "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" video just for the occasion. At the reception, he'd serenade Neal with a tearful and particularly touching rendition of "Missing You." The cast of Glee would be the main entertainment. Elton John would have to rewrite "Candle in the Wind" yet again. And yeah, smartasses, I know "Candle in the Wind"--both versions--are about people who have died. But Elton would rewrite it so that the song would accurately reflect the occasion--Neal and Steve's love.

Now just hold up and relax, all you women who harbor fantasies about being Steve Perry's single greatest love in the history of the universe! I'm not saying Steve's gay. I'm just saying that he might be a little gay for Neal. And if he was, would you be able to live with yourself if you prevented such an awesome union from forming? You wouldn't. Because that would make you an asshole. And anybody who is a fan, lover, wannabe lover, or friend of Steve Perry is most certainly not an asshole, am I right? You are just too awesome for that. Besides, look at Steve's face in that picture, at how his eyes are pleading with you to just let it happen--how could you ever deny that?

Tampa Bay Won't Stop Believin'

2010-06-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

This photo was taken by my friend Carrie. Awesome, no? You see, we here in the Bay area (the other one) love us some Journey so much that we can't keep it to ourselves. We have to proclaim it on street signs. Some may call it graffiti; we call it love.

How About That Glee, Hmmm?

2010-06-08T19:36:00.001-07:00

I'll admit it: the only reason I started watching Glee in the first place was because the previews last spring had what sounded like (and what turned out to be) an awesome rendition of "Don't Stop Believin'." That's it. It featured Journey, and my line of reasoning was, any television show that incorporated Journey music (and my favorite Journey song of all time--OF ALL TIME) should at least be checked out. And that first episode did not disappoint. In addition to that rendition, Journey was featured all throughout the episode, and after it was over, I had this compulsive need to tune in every week to see what other songs and artists would be featured. During those early episodes, pretty much the only reason why I bothered watching was because of the music (because it was AWESOME, hello); as the show matured and found its stride, I started tuning in for the storytelling as well. And tonight it all culminated into one freaking delicious emotionally-charged season finale WITH Journey (well, Journey music that is--not the actual band, sorry). Friends, I think Glee just earned "must buy on DVD" status. If anything, I'm at least keeping the season finale on my DVR so I can re-watch it all summer long. Whoever composes the music for that show (and the kids who sing it) deserves a freakin' Emmy or Nobel Peace Prize or something because the covers of "Faithfully", "Anyway You Want It", "Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'" and "Don't Stop Believin'" were EPIC. I'm pretty sure Steve Perry himself cried (and gave himself a PIO--it can happen) when he watched it (because you KNOW he did--even a bad ass hermit like him has some curiousity). Don't believe me? Watch it it here (hurry, before Fox realizes this is on YouTube and takes it down)!

P.S. The show will be picked up for at least another season--I think it would be pretty cool if Steve agreed to do a cameo, like appear as the school's janitor or maybe as a celebrity judge for next year's regionals competition. What do you all think?

Secrets Revealed About The Celebrity Apprentice!

2010-06-07T12:36:00.001-07:00

No, a hacker did not get hold of this blog and post a crazy SPAM entry. In fact, I'm pretty sure a hacker wouldn't even bother to waste his (or her) time on a crazy blog about Steve Perry because, well, what would he (or she) get out of it, really? But I digress.

So, Donald Trump has added yet another leg to his gargantuan business empire with The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice, inviting the country to watch as he whittles down the pack of contestants foaming at the mouth for the coveted position of working alongside him for a year. It's cutthroat. It's competitive. It stars Donald Trump's hair. But you know what? It's all a big business sham. You wanna know the real secret about The Apprentice franchise? Yeah, you do. You know you do. So I will tell you: Donald Trump is actually The Apprentice. And you know who he works for?

Steve Perry.

Yes, my friends, hate to break it to you, but The Trump is nothing but a puppet and Steve is the Puppet Master. He's the one who calls the shots; Donald's the one who makes things happen. I know, I know. This is just like finding out one of your good friends (or lovers) has a secret double-life and they've been playing you for a fool all these years. You might be enraged. You might want to cry. You might not actually give a damn one way or the other. Just remember this: things are never what they seem. Even the all-powerful Wizard had a man behind the curtain.

P.S. There's no rhyme or reason behind my posting that particular picture of Trump other than I thought it was funny watching him stuff his pie hole with that ice cream treat. Get it, boo!

Switching It Up

2010-05-21T20:21:00.001-07:00

I post a lot of different versions of "Don't Stop Believin'." A lot. I can't help it. I've said time and time again that it's my favorite Journey song, as unoriginal as that is. However, I thought I'd switch it up tonight and post a video of Journey doin' their thang in Japan and performing "Still They Ride." I think this version is the download Deb over at Chosen Madness sent me earlier this month, but I couldn't open the file so I don't for sure. However, I'm gonna assume that it's this version, as she's linked to this video a couple times from her Twitter account. So without further ado, feast your ears and eyes on a performance that's as old as I am and get ready to have a PIO. You're welcome.

Edit: Oh, sheeyit! Just got an email from Deb saying the download she sent me was the whole mo' fuggin' Budokan concert! Maybe, just maybe, if I can get the file open and unzipped and figure out how to post sound files on here, I will post some of the songs! How 'bout dat, eh?

Now, Get Ready to Get Jealous

2010-05-17T17:24:00.000-07:00

You have to read the title of this post in your best Mike Rowe voice to get it. Anyway, something is different about me. Can you guess what it is?

Why yes, I am rocking a vintage-inspired Journey concert t-shirt! How good of you to notice! You like? More importantly, are you jealous? (Just add to my inflated sense of self-worth and say yes.)

My friend Ali and I spotted this baby this past weekend at Hot Topic on a shopping excursion during which, ironically, we were complaining about how stores seem to be carrying t-shirts for every musician and band under the sun except Journey. There were only a few left, but they were in our sizes. Forget the theological and scientific debates--this is proof that God exists. And don't worry--as much as I want you guys to be envious and hate me just a little for owning such a sweet article of clothing, the part of me that has a conscience wants you to be able to experience the thrill of owning one yourselves. So go here or visit your local Hot Topic if you just have to get your grubby little paws on a shirt, like, now.

Boob, Leg or Ass Man?

2010-05-17T11:29:00.000-07:00

I'm actually in the process of writing up a post designed to make all you mofos jealous of yours truly, but in the meantime I thought I'd post this snippet I found on Chosen Madness because it's hilarious (jump to 1:31):

That, my friends, is Steve Perry openly ogling the mammaries of some chick whilst serenading her on an episode of Midnight Special, and answering the age-old question (well, next to the boxers-or-briefs debacle) of whether he's a boob, leg or ass man. Steve should consider himself lucky, as the woman doesn't seem to be offended; had it been any other man, though, she would have had none of it. Which brings to mind another question: Ladies, if you ever met Steve Perry and decided to chat him up, would you be offended if his eyes kept wandering below the neck, or would you tweet/blog/post on Facebook something along the lines of, "OH MY GOD, STEVE PERRY KEPT CHECKING OUT MY TITS! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!"?

Friday Videos!

2010-05-07T11:39:00.001-07:00

Actually it's just one video, sorry. I'm a lying whore. But it's a good one, so that makes up for it, right? RIGHT? Anyway, I thought I'd kick the weekend off on a more mellow and relaxing note here on LOMFON and post a video my friend Brett shared with me. It's a cover of "Don't Stop Believin'," and I do believe it's my favorite cover so far. Yes, I like it even more than the Glee cover, because this version I think sounds like what the song is about--people who are lonely and in need of some lovin' so they partner up with the first available person they meet and love on them for a night. The melancholy vibe of this particular cover captures that desperation. And it manages to romanticize it, so when you listen to the song, you don't think, "Wow, a one-night stand. How whorish and desperate." In short--I think this cover gets it. Don't get me wrong, the original still is and will always be my favorite, but when you stop and think what the song is really about, Journey's version is a little too rocktastic. Not that there's anything wrong with that, though.

Fact or Fiction?

2010-05-03T12:17:00.000-07:00

Steve Perry has a "love lair" aboard the International Space Station.

Fact. Now is as good a time as any to let the cat out of the bag, I guess. For a number of years, Steve Perry has had a private residence on board the International Space Station ("because Earth feels too confining sometimes"--his words, not mine). And within his private residence is his very own love lair, complete with all the Tang and freeze-dried ice cream you can consume. The few ladies who have been lucky enough to visit the lair liken it to Studio 54--except it's in space, and it's Journey, not disco, that is blasting from the speakers. The sexual experiences that these women are said to have had in that room are literally out of this world. It's that erotic, that mind-blowing, that the human body simply can't handle it within the gravitational confines of the planet Earth. Don't believe me? Remember that one astronaut chick who drove all the way from Texas to Florida in a diaper because she was all crazy and lovestruck and shit? It was because she got a little taste of some Steve Perry lovin' in space and wanted more, which brings me to another important point: Steve has to be extra cautious who he decides to sex up in the lair. Some people just can't handle it.

More Evidence of World Domination

2010-04-20T13:26:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year, I posted a story about a company that was selling an album comprised entirely of Journey songs re-worked as lullabies. My friend Brian told me about that little ray of genius, and a few months ago he sent me another link to the same website. The topic? 3 Reasons Your Kids Will Dig Journey. It's a well-written piece, basically saying (nicely, of course) that any parent who decides to introduce Journey to their children early on are doing the entire world a friggin' service by ensuring their offspring will be cooler and in general more awesome than kids who were not exposed, but my point in posting it here is not to get into a discussion about those benefits. This is the second Journey-related article I've read on this website, and look at the subsequent stories it links to: they are all about Journey! What's my point? It's simple: the lullabye CD. The benefits kids will get from Journey exposure. The multiple Journey-related articles. Do I have to spell it out for you? DO I?!

Fine. This is more evidence of Steve Perry's side of the Steve Perry/Steve Jobs world-domination plan. It's more lethal than we originally thought, people. Not only are they preying on Journey/Steve Perry fans and Apple aficionados, but they're targeting people in the womb.

When this big and sexy monster is unleashed fully on us unsuspecting mofos, it's going to be one hell of a perfectly-pitched optimal-performing ride. God help us all.

Hypnotized!

2010-04-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

SVB is temporarily not in control of her body right now; I, Steve Perry, former frontman of Journey, am using her to communicate a very important message, for she is hypnotized, like you will soon be.

Look deep into my eyes. Do not blink. Let them penetrate you. Feel them inside of you and relish the deep, orgasmic pleasure that feeling brings. I know you really want to blink right now, but don't. I know your eyes may be burning because you really really want to blink, but don't. You will miss out on all the pleasure. Good. Now you're getting sleepy, and your defenses are shrinking. This is exactly what I want to happen. Now I have you in my complete control.

First of all, you do not believe Sarah Silverman's claim that I said the n-word during a conversation I had with her after one of her shows. How could I, Steve Perry, former frontman of Journey, say the n-word and tarnish my epic reputation? This is nothing but a fallacy Silverman has spread for comedic effect and to further her career. Believe me, she will pay.

Secondly, I am superior to Neal Schon.

Thirdly, you will go to your nearest Wal-Mart, Target or record store and purchase the re-released Essential Journey, and at precisely 5p.m. today, April 16, 2010, you will blast "Don't Stop Believin'" on high volume wherever you may be: in your car, at your desk, on your stereo at home. Don't ask why. Just do it. Once this is done I will relay to Steve Jobs the progress and work on the next phase of the plan. The fate of the world depends on your cooperation.

Fourthly, you will have a PIO in 5...4...3...2...1. Steve Perry out.

***

Wow, that was weird. Spaced out there for a moment. Hey, wait a minute! When did I by Essential Journey? And why? I already have it!!

*Picture courtesy of the Steve Perry Picasa Web Album. Special thanks to JourneyGirl for sending me the link.

An Alliance?

2010-04-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

Remember how when the iPad came out, every Apple store in America looked like every hardware store in Florida two days before a hurricane landing? Well, you wanna know who did not have to wake up at an ungodly hour just to get a good spot in a line so he could get his supple and well-manicured hands on one of those damn machines? Yep, you guessed it--Steve Perry. If that doesn't make you green with envy and warm with a lukewarm hatred (because, let's face it, you are physically unable to fully hate SP--I mean, he's just too awesome and sexy), then this will: the man was typing, surfing the internet, and doing whatever the hell else people do with iPads a full year before the thing was released to the public. Wanna know why? (And, no, it's not because Steve Jobs is a HUGE Journey fan with a wicked man-crush on SP.)

Steve Perry and Steve Jobs have formed an alliance. More specifically, an alliance designed to take over the world and turn us into a species of Steve Perry-loving, Oh Sherrie-singing, Apple gizmo-using beings. Think about it: Steve Perry's hypnotic effect on music lovers, hair care appreciators and women. Steve Jobs' ability to make people salivate like Pavlov's dogs at the mere thought of an Apple product, new or old. Steve Perry is doing more than just reveling in how cool his new iPad is. He's using that bitch to share documents with Jobs, outlining step-by-step their execution for world domination, and setting up rendezvous with "interested persons" via his cool and sexy iPhone. We don't stand a fucking chance.

Prepare yourselves now, people, because when December 21, 2012 rolls around, the Steves will put their plan into full effect and the world as we know it will officially end. (Yep, that's why the Mayan calendar ended--they knew what was up.)

Another Juicy Reader Gem!

2010-04-01T10:48:00.000-07:00

So this is by far the most--ahem, interesting--Steve Perry-related tidbit sent in to me by a reader. The fact that it was sent to me anonymously only adds to the mystery of the story. Is it real? Is it an urban legend? Was it written by Steve himself? Who the hell knows? What I do know is that it's hilarious, and my apologies to the writer and whoever sent this to me, because I think--I think--you guys are completely serious about wanting to get your story out to the public, and I'm openly ridiculing your earnestness. I'm. Sorry. But I still find it lol-worthy, so I'm posting it here so others may get a laugh as well.

Steve Perry: A Generous Man (yes, I am completely serious, that is the title of this piece)

Spring Cleaning

2010-03-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

Spring cleaning. We all dread it. Packing up all the winter clothes and taking out all the spring and summer wear (except for me because I live in Florida and don't have any true winter clothes--suckas), weeding through old paperwork to figure out what you don't need, dusting--it's a pain in the ass. But we all have to do it--including Steve Perry.

Wait, what?! Even Steve Perry has to spring clean?! Isn't he a literal god among men and above having to do this type of plebeian work? Well, before your entire belief system regarding Steve Perry's infallibility and god-like status comes crashing down around you, let me elaborate--like everything else he does, the way Steve Perry conducts his spring-cleaning is way more awesome and mind-blowing than your piddly-ass Swiffer or dust buster.

Remember how Cinderella called upon the birds and chipmunks of nature to help her out with her ~~slave labor~~ chores? Yeah. You know where I'm going with this and are probably rolling your eyes at the injustice of it all. That is how Steve Perry spring cleans: he can summon animals to do it for him. And not just any animals--these are real-life versions of Disney animals. They can talk, they can sing, and they sparkle. I know, I know. You're confused. Your mind is blown. There's no such thing as real-life Disney animals. WRONG. They exist, but they only respond to Steve Perry. Sorry. I know you harbor the secret desire, like me, to utilize woodland creatures to help with the daily chores. You want to be able to summon talking animals to shoot the shit with once in awhile. I know. It's not fair.

How on earth does he summon these animals? All he has to do is hum--hum, not actually sing--the opening notes of any Journey/solo Steve Perry song. Really. The animals then come and join in one by one and eventually there's a full-on concert going on in his house, and cleaning being done. Except Steve doesn't clean. While the animals are busy, he cracks open a Dos Equis, sits before his vanity mirror, and brushes his flowing man-hair 100 times until it shines so brightly even he has to wear sunglasses just to look at it.

Singing, of course.

FAIL.

2010-03-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

So ever since January, I've been planning what I would do to celebrate LOMFON's one-year anniversary. My original plan was to buy the domain name and make our little place on the web "official," but I caved and did that way back in January because it was only ten bucks and, knowing my luck, someone would have bought it. Yes, I know it's a very specific domain name, but believe me--if you counted up all the times I've gotten lucky (no, not that way, pervs) versus all the times I haven't, you'd think I would have walked under a million ladders, chilled out with hundreds upon hundreds of black cats and broke mirrors just for the hell of it. If I hadn't jumped on that deal, somebody else would have. I can feel it in my bones.

Anyway, since I bought the domain name early, my fall-back plan was to actually make some Perry Pops and photograph the journey from start to finished product. I'm sure you guys wouldn't have given two shits, but it would have been something to acknowledge the fact that this ridiculous blog has been plaguing the internet for a WHOLE YEAR now. But, one thing led to another, and when I went back to the very first post to check the date, I saw that our one-year mark passed and nothing was done to commemorate it. Epic. Fail.

Life goes on, though, and it's not too late to do a little celebrating. So buy the best hair care products on the market, pop open a bottle of bubbly and sex somebody's world up because Lover of Many, Father of None is ONE YEAR OLD! WOOOOOOO!!!! And I'm pleased to say that my reservoir of bullshit still hasn't dried up!

One year of craziness down. Many more to come. Whether you want them to or not.

P.S. Please enjoy sumo wrestler Akebono's cover of "Don't Stop Believin'" as part of the festivities. Because a mediocre milestone needs to be commemorated with a video of a fat man singing Journey. Thanks to Ross Muir for notifying me of this little gem:

TGIF!

2010-03-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

You know what I love more than a hilariously bad cover of a Journey song? A hilariously bad DIY music video set to a Journey song! Behold, and feast your eyes on this disaster, which I guarantee you probably aired during a high school's morning news "show:"

This video has everything a low-budget, DIY production should have: an unintelligible plot; a half-assed basketball game; Mountain Dew product placement; a "motivational" poster that's really designed to break your spirit and make you want to kill yourself or get hooked on the crack; and pull-ups. I can't even begin to explain what the storyline is, but I do know one thing: there's someone working harder than you.

Happy Friday, yous guys!

More Funny Shit!

2010-03-12T08:30:00.000-08:00

You wanna know what that is? That is Steve Perry giving me the big ol' finger because when it comes to being a smartass, I don't know dick, apparently. And before you get too excited, Steve Perry did not, in fact, make any sort of contact and actually tell me that. He didn't have to.

I was shown up by this site. In addition to poking fun at the Lover of Many, Father of None himself, it also targets his Super Fans--Perryites, I believe is the terminology for it. Every celebrity has at least one group of hard-core fans who border on creepy. These are people who will actually scout out locations where their favorite celebrity might be and go to them, hoping to catch a glimpse/get an autograph/knock him/her unconscious and take him/her back to the "love lair" they created where they plan on sexing him/her up day and night and assume the object of their obsession will be a-okay with it and not try to escape when left alone for five minutes. These are the people this website targets, and it is HIlarious.

I recommend checking out, "What the heck is this?" and, "What's an -ite? A field guide" before delving deep into this treasure. It gives a little background on this Super Fan culture and explains all the typos, so you won't think the creators are a bunch of illiterate morons. After that, the sky's the limit. My favorites are the Sims photo album and the erotic fanfic, which are lol-worthy. A note about the fanfic: even though it's hilarious and poorly written, it's still erotica, and full of naughty things, so if you're at work, or have small kidz hanging around, or appreciate fine literature, I don't recommend reading it.

It also has awesome/mildly disturbing images of Steve and a few other Journey band members like the one at the top of this post and this one:

I'll bet you could have gone your entire life without ever seeing that, am I right? Of course I am. However, after viewing it last night, I needed to bring other people into my misery, so I'm posting it here. You're welcome, internet.

I don't even care about coming in second to the genius of this site. I've never laughed so hard at something in my life. So to the fellas, ladies, mole people, crab people--whoever you are who created this masterpiece on the web--I tip my hat to you. I bow in the blinding light of your genius. I grovel at your hilarity.

P.S. Thanks to Ohthatdeb for sending me the link!

Gorgeous Man-Hair That isn't Steve Perry's?

2010-03-11T06:27:00.000-08:00

Could it be? Have I discovered the one man who possesses man-hair as equally captivating as Steve Perry's? The one man who defies my whole, "Steve Perry has awesome hair because he's Portuguese and Steve Perry" theory? Or maybe he was indeed Steve Perry AND I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT?!

Behold the evidence for yourself. This was taken at a work event a week or so ago. Look at how the setting sun is majestically reflected in his gorgeous non-Steve Perry man-hair:

So what do you think? Steve Perry incognito or the only other living human being with gorgeous man-hair?

P.S. Thanks to Taylor for snapping the pic!

Fact or Fiction?

2010-03-08T14:21:00.000-08:00

Steve Perry was the inspiration for Waldo of Where's Waldo? fame.

Fact. Well, he wasn't the inspiration for Waldo's face, since Waldo looks like the type of guy who could get his ass beaten by a seven year-old, but he was the muse for Waldo's signature striped shirt and jeans. Waldo's creator, Martin Handford, attended a Journey concert in Liverpool in the early eighties where he was, "...tripping my shit out on acid and generally not giving a fuck...and then the band came on and Steve [Perry] was in this brilliant red-and-white striped shirt and blue jeans. He looked like a giant peppermint man...the image has stayed with me ever since."

Fun fact: Where's Waldo? was originally going to be called Where's the Giant Peppermint Man? but that title was scrapped since it was a) too long and not all that catchy, and b) Handford was afraid it would be associated with Christmas.

P.S. The above image was found in this Flickr photostream, along with other Steve Perry "art."

Question of the Day

2010-03-02T17:01:00.001-08:00

Would you like to see Steve Perry's mug on a Wheaties box?

I think you all know that my answer is a resounding HELL YES. Except I vote for a classic Steve picture, one from his Journey days where he's rocking maybe Spandex and an outlandishly loud shirt open straight to the navel. And, of course, it would have to showcase the man-hair in its full glory. God, what could be more epic than that? Professional athletes are so overrated.

He'll Make You an Offer You Can't Refuse

2010-02-25T14:41:00.000-08:00

Word up, kidz, are you ready for another little-known fun factoid about our favorite former Journey frontman? How about if I promise never to use the phrase, "Word up, kidz" ever again? Okay, deal.

As you know (or probably not), I have posted several entries about Steve Perry's ability to fuck bitches up (see here and here). But what you don't know is that this power extends to a depth you can't even begin to imagine--until now. "Okay, SVB, what kind of crap are you spouting off now?" you may be asking yourself. Let's just say that if Steve ever makes you an offer, you can't refuse it, lest you want to sleep with the fishes. If you know what I mean. You get what I'm saying, right? RIGHT?!

Steve Perry is an Italian mafia boss.

I'm not shitting you! Calling out members of the Italian mob is not something you do willy-nilly. Steve Perry is wrapped up all in the mob. He is the head of his Family's chain of command, ruling over henchmen and making sure all of his cover businesses--Blockbuster Video and Subway franchises--are operating under the radar, smooth and seamless.

Look, I know he's not Italian, but when has Steve Perry ever needed an excuse to do something? The man does what he damn well pleases and woe to the poor sap who tries to get in his way. It's no secret that several of his "sandwich artists" have mysteriously disappeared because he discovered their plans to overthrow his empire and claim the power for themselves.

Don't misunderstand me--Steve isn't a bloodthirsty man. He prefers to keep the peace and make love instead of war. But when provoked, when he's forced to take action or stand by, you better believe that he will utilize the hell out of his iron fist.

Just take my word for it, okay? Don't find out the hard way that Steve Perry will fuck you up.

A Soundtrack for Your Night of Passion

2010-02-25T14:21:00.000-08:00

Earlier today, a friend of mine sent me this link, which caused me to crack up when I opened it. Yes, kiddos, along with your condoms, lubes and vibrators, you can now purchase the soundtrack to your night of passion: Journey's Greatest Hits. And, really, who wouldn't want to make love with Journey pulsating softly in the background? With lyrics such as, "I hope and pray tonight/Somewhere you're thinking of me, girl," and, "So here I am with open arms/Hoping you'll see what your love means to me," Journey's entire catalog practically screams sex. Even Steve Perry makes sure his stereo is loaded down with these panty-dropping gems before rocking a lady friend's world. Does that make him arrogant? Nope. He's too cool for arrogance. Rather, it's simply expected.

So go ahead. Click the link and get the album. You know you want to. It's okay; I won't judge. And, no, I have no idea what my friend was doing on that particular website, just like I have no idea how my co-worker wound up on a lesbian message board. And, really, I don't care, as long as they keep sending me funny shit to post.

A Steve Perry Skin Care Line? Yes, Please!

2010-02-19T08:32:00.001-08:00

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Steve Perry has a complexion that people would murder their best friends for. "What, murder?!" say you. "Have you been watching too many episodes of Snapped?" Maybe I have. But if you wouldn't murder your BFF, you'd at least trip them while they were walking down the sidewalk for a chance to get that Steve Perry glow. (You know you would, don't play like you wouldn't.) I heard a quote, and for the life of me, I cannot remember who said it, or where I read it, or where I heard it, but it went something like this: "Steve Perry has been thirty years old for the past thirty years." SO. TRUE. The man is ageless. Look at any recent picture of Steve, and you'll see that even though he's in his sixties, he doesn't look that much different than he did during his Journey days. So what's the deal? Has he been making secret pilgrimages to St. Augustine to choke down the fetid water in the so-called Fountain of Youth?

Sigh. No, Grasshopper. First, have you been to the Fountain of Youth in St. Augustine? Anyone who actually drank from it would definitely catch something, and it wouldn't be youth. Shit's nasty. Second, (and if you've read even two posts from this blog, you'll see where I'm going immediately) Steve Perry looks like he does because he's Portuguese and Steve Perry. However, just like with his hair, I think he has the opportunity to tap into a currently untapped market and partner with either Nutrogena or Clinique and come out with his own skin care line. Just think about it! Facial and body cleansers! Lotions! Eye creams! Serums! Yes, you wouldn't get the magic that is his exact complexion, but your face and overall skin would probably look a helluva lot better than it does now. And, just as I said in the hair post, your complexion would definitely look better than your friends', which is probably the most important thing, am I right? You bet your sweet ass I am.

So, Steve, what's the holdup? You're sitting on yet another goldmine and you don't even know it! Come on, you magnificent bastard, and bestow upon us a little of that youthfulness!

If Steve did come out with a skin care line, what do you think he'd call it? My guess is Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin', because after using the products, people will want to love, touch and squeeze you.

Journey at the Center of the Earth

2010-02-16T07:17:00.000-08:00

Haha. Hahaha. I'm sorry. Excuse me while I compose mysel--BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, I can't do it! I'm laughing too hard!

I love it when readers or friends send me Journey-related pictures, videos, articles, etc. BECAUSE THEY NEVER DISAPPOINT. They are always in the spirit of this blog and are so quirky and unique that I simply have to share. Today's little treat is no exception. Sent in by Ohthatdeb, it is a mock trailer for a fake movie called Journey at the Center of the Earth. Like me, you'll be in tears from laughing too hard and you'll wish that this was a real movie. Because if it was, it would be the single greatest movie in cinematic history.

Also, I don't know exactly why, but the fact that the makers of this trailer used a movie that starred Brendan Fraser makes it extra hilarious for me. I think it's because I could actually see him in a movie like this--a tongue-in-cheek comedy about a ridiculous scenario featuring one of the greatest bands of all time. Airheads prepared him well.

Okay, enough of my rambling. Feast your eyes and get ready to giggle.

Seen and Heard

2010-02-10T06:38:00.001-08:00

Location: My TV. And TVs everywhere, really.

Heard: "Any Way You Want It"

Aside from the classics I grew up with, I'm not much for kid movies. The idea of spending an hour and a half watching some Pixar film about robots, critters or whatever just doesn't sound fun to me. And I'm 26. I mean, come on. But I have to give some credit to whoever did the trailer for that movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs or Sunny With a Chance of Soup or whatever the hell it's called for utilizing Journey's "Any Way You Want It." Granted, it's still not enough to make me want to actually watch the movie (and, no, I don't care how cute it looks), but I will at least watch the preview. And jam out. Because there's nothing like a little Journey goodness to break up the commercial monotony, am I right?

Why Steve Perry Should Freaking SPREAD THE WEALTH!

2010-02-01T13:13:00.001-08:00

And, no, I'm not talking about wealth as in his money. It's been awhile since I've devoted a post to one of my favorite SP topics, one which also makes me seethe with jealousy--his man-hair. Last year, I argued that Pantene would do well to hire Steve to be its spokesman, because, well, let's face it: it would bring in some major moolah with the venture. I mean, who better to hock a shampoo product than the man with the greatest hair in the world? Sales would skyrocket! However, I only recently saw the flaw in this line of reasoning, and I'm ashamed to admit it took me this long. No matter how many times a commercial of Steve gets on the air touting all the hair benefits of Pantene's line of hair care products, no matter how many times you wash, or condition--you still won't get Steve Perry hair. Pantene is good, but it's not that good. The only way you'd be able to even get a tenth of the luster of Steve's majestic locks would be if he were to launch his own line of hair care products. You still wouldn't have full-blown Steve Perry hair (unless you're Portuguese and Steve Perry, which you most certainly are not), but it would be the closest you'd ever get. And even though your hair still wouldn't be able to fully compare to Steve's, it would look better than all your friends', which is just as important.

So Steve--SPREAD THE FREAKING WEALTH, BUDDY! I'd settle with just a tenth of your hair luster, as I'm sure everybody else would. You don't know it, but you're an expert on having luscious, shiny locks, and everybody would take any hair advice you dole out as gospel. This area would be a gold mine for you! And be smart and let a place like Wal-Mart or Target carry your line. It's a recession, and your fanbase is the average person who is just loving him/her some Steve Perry and Journey and can't afford to pay an arm or a leg or give up their first-born child for some Perry-ish hair. Nor should they have to. That is an opportunity that should be available to everybody, regardless of social status or income.

Thoughts as to what Steve should name his hair care line? I like Don't Stop Believin' in Good Hair. Yeah, it's a little long, but with a little graphic design magic, it'll fit. Maybe something like DSB with in Good Hair in a little font beneath it.

P.S. Like the picture? Stop on by http://www.spoiledrotties.com/. They have a shit-load of Steve Perry desktop wallpaper!

How Did Steve Perry Honor the King?

2010-01-26T18:51:00.000-08:00

Martin Luther King, that is. I know MLK Day was last week, but I thought you guys still might want to know how good ol' Steve rocked it. And even if you didn't, I'm going to tell you anyway. Tough cookies.

He first went to the labor and delivery ward of his local hospital to visit expectant moms who were in labor but not quite ready to deliver the baby. You know how they say that sex is the best way to get the whole baby delivering process party started? No, he didn't sleep with the moms. Come on. He didn't need to. Just being in the same room as Steve Perry caused the ladies to dilate the full ten centimeters and get the show on the road. They were PIO-induced, if you will.

Next on his agenda was to travel around gang-ridden neighborhoods and beat the shit out of some punks. Now, this might sound like a dangerous venture, and it is--for any other man. But Steve Perry is a ninja, well-versed in the ways of ancient martial arts and all around ninja-dom, and a force to be reckoned with. He also had a semi-automatic pistol. My point? Kicking those gang members' asses was easy for him, and the crime rate in those neighborhoods is now at zero percent. Forever.

Since the multiple ass-beatings he doled out tired him somewhat, Steve took a minor detour from servicing his community to get a massage and recharge. Then he jumped right back in by cooking a gourmet meal for the local soup kitchen. What was on the menu, you ask? Good question. Indian-spiced shrimp to start off, followed by lamb au poivre and ending with chocolate toffee diamonds for dessert.

So there you have it. Steve's MLK Day. By the time he returned home to woo and subsequently make sweet, sweet love to a lady friend, his community was statistically 1000% better. That's statistically, folks. Cold, hard facts. I couldn't make this stuff up. ::shifty eyes::

We Have a New Home!

2010-01-19T08:12:00.000-08:00

Well, sort of. It was suggested to me that I should look into buying a domain name for this site, a suggestion I have been rolling around in my head for at least a whole day now. At first I thought about purchasing it in March, when LOMFON turns 1 (I've kept this bullshit blog up for almost a whole year! Can you believe it?! 'Cause I sure can't!), but after a little research (on company time--shhh don't tell!) I found out that you can purchase a domain through Blogger and everything will automatically transfer over. Since that was the option that required the least amount of work on my part (I'm lazy, what can I say?) and I like the way the blog is currently set up, I went ahead and purchased my very own domain name. It's--get ready for it--

www.loverofmanyfatherofnone.com

Ta-da! But we're still on Blogger. So techically we did move, but we really didn't. If you get my drift. Also, I tried it out, and it worked for me. If going directly to the new domain name doesn't work for you, you can still access it at the old address, http://loverofmanyfatherofnone.blogspot.com. After a few days, though, everything should transition seamlessly.

Now I have to think of something ELSE to do for our one year b-day.

Crotch Shot of the Day!

2010-01-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

Ohthatdeb originally sent me this photo as more photographic evidence of Steve and Neal's secret bromance. And while I could point out all the reasons why this picture does, in fact, support that theory, I promised in my last post to shut my pie hole about it. So I will and instead use this photo for a crotch shot of the day entry.

I think it's a pretty good subject for this post, don't you? I mean look at it. Steve's junk is practically clamoring for a chance to get out and join Steve for a duet. And you'll notice how extremely flat (well, for the most part) Steve's front is. You'd have to be built that way in order to squeeze into pants that form-fitting. I just wonder what Steve's diet was during that particular tour. Salad and laxatives?

Steve and Neal BFF Video Footage

2010-01-17T21:17:00.000-08:00

I promise, this will be my last post regarding my theory that Steve Perry and Neal Schon are really BFFs and not arch enemies as they would have you believe. I'll shut up about it after this. I. Promise. Oh, but what a post it is, because I HAVE FOUND VIDEO FOOTAGE THAT SUPPORTS MY THEORY.

See?! See there?! Not only did Neal invite Steve to perform with him, he giddily jiggled his plaque as he did so. He can't contain his excitement! Oh sure, you might counter, Neal is just being civil because they're both on camera and can't really carry on their feud in front of an audience. But I say you are wrong. That video captures Steve and Neal having a moment--a moment that is genuine and attests to the bonds of friendship and brotherhood. And after this was shot, they went to the nearest karaoke dive bar, shared a few drinks and sang several duets, including, but not limited to, "Private Eyes," "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)"--ironically, of course, as they're relationship is purely heterosexual and platonic--and "Faithfully." I just know it.

The jig is up, boys. Just come on out and admit it. And if you'd like to issue an official statement, I would suggest clicking on the "Contact Me" button in the right-hand sidebar of this blog and emailing it to me BECAUSE I WAS THE FIRST ONE TO CALL YOU GUYS OUT. It's only fair.

Steve Perry Doesn't Exist

2010-01-17T09:52:00.001-08:00

No, it's not a conspiracy theory. He's not a ghost. Nor is he a figment of your imagination. It's a--you know what? Just read Ohthatdeb's essay to see what I'm talking about. And if you would like to notify her of your presence by leaving a comment, that would be cool.

Put Your Kids to Sleep--Journey Style!

2010-01-12T09:48:00.001-08:00

It is a well-known fact that Steve Perry is the single greatest human being to ever grace the earth ever. He's a master at wooing the ladies, a force to be reckoned with in a dance-off, and just an all-around badass. And now we can add one more trait to the ever-growing list of awesome: singing your kids to sleep.

Rockabye Baby has come out with a CD of Journey tunes re-worked as lullabies. Yes, you read that right. Baby is now able to be lulled to sleep by the likes of "Faithfully," "Who's Crying Now" and "Lights." How incredibly epic is that?! I'm sure all the cool parents will be purchasing this treasure while the lame-os are left hanging their heads in shame as their kids listen to Raffi and Baby Einstein Music Box Orchestra.

To get a sneak peek of this revolutionary album, as well as listen to the lullaby version of "Don't Stop Believin'," visit Rockabye Baby's website here. Also, thanks to my crazy awesome co-worker, Brian, for sharing this with me.

Seen and Heard: Double Trouble

2010-01-10T17:21:00.000-08:00

Location: The gym and Walgreens

Heard: "Don't Stop Believin'" and "Missing You," respectively

So I figured, what better way to usher this blog into 2010 than post an entry ten days late and discuss things that happened back in December? Oh, how lazy I am!

Last month, I was privileged to hear Journey and Steve Perry tunes twice in random places; I like to think that it was the universe's little Christmas gift to me. Anyway, the first was at the gym; as we were all torturing our torsos doing ab exercises in boxing class, "Don't Stop Believin'" came on over the loud speakers. Anybody who has read at least more than one entry of this blog knows that this is my absolute favorite Journey song; whenever I hear it, time seems to slow down and the only two things in existence are me and that song. This time was no exception. As the trainer was going on about how the exercises we were doing were going to help turn our potbellies into abs of steel, I was off in my own little world of Journey heaven, humming softly and moving my feet to the beat. I was also wondering how everybody else could keep their composure while in the presence of such a rockin' song and was quietly hating them for not busting out in spontaneous dance.

The second instance happened while I was doing some last-minute Christmas shopping at Walgreens with two of my co-workers over lunch break one day. And, okay, before you yell at me, I should say we were all doing last-minute stocking stuffer shopping, not actual Christmas shopping, so simmer down and give us a break. Anyway, "Missing You" came on over the store loud speakers, and, as always happens when I hear a lesser-known Journey or Steve Perry song being played either on the radio or in a public place, I had a little thrill. And, as always happens when I hear such songs, I am with people who honestly couldn't give a damn but humor me anyway because they know how excited I get. However, this time I spared them, kept my pie hole shut, and enjoyed the moment privately.

Anywho, now that 2010 is in full swing, I shall return to my regularly scheduled posting. Or maybe I won't. The only way you'll be able to find out is to keep checking back. See what I did there? I baited you. Now you'll have no choice but to check back. It's all part of my diabolical plan to keep you reading regularly. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ring in the New Year With Steve!

2009-12-31T06:34:00.000-08:00

So even though I couldn't find any audio or video clips of Steve Perry singing Christmas carols, I did manage to find an audio file of Steve Perry, with Journey, singing Auld Lang Syne at a New Years concert. I know, I know. Go figure, right? YouTube is a vexing beast. This clip also includes a few other covers, should you wish to listen past the first song (and really, who wouldn't?).

Happy New Years, everybody! Pop open a bubbly and ring in 2010 with Steve Perry and your loved ones. I know that's what Steve will be doing. Except instead of going to sleep after the ball has dropped, he'll probably be banging a lady friend while simultaneously giving you a PIO as you watch old Journey videos and listen to your favorite Journey songs. Talk about starting the new year off with a bang.

A Very Perry Christmas

2009-12-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

As any fairly consistent reader of this blog can attest to, when Steve Perry celebrates a holiday, he goes all out. He doesn't fuck around, you could say. And Christmas is no exception. In fact, I am about to impart a little secret to you all that nobody else knows. And parents, I should warn you: do not let your kids read this next part. (Actually, don't let your kids read any part of this blog. It's not appropriate, and you know better.) Okay, ready? Steve Perry is actually Santa Claus.

Yes, you read that right. What, you think I'm bullshitting you?! Come on now, would I do you wrong like that? Steve Perry really is Santa Claus! Of course, like any legend, a few details have been changed to keep Steve's true identity under wraps. For example, the fat, grandfatherly-type figure with the sleigh and the reindeer and the milk and cookies is all crap. It's really just Steve, rocking one of his signature Journey outfits, tooling around in his 1963 Ford Falcon convertible, delivering gifts all over the world (FYI: the convertible can fly. It's magic.). And instead of eating the milk and cookies (or the milk and celery sticks some of you lame-os put out, and you know you put them out) he sleeps with your mom. Or your sister. Or your daughter. Pretty much any female member of your household he'll sleep with. But don't be alarmed; it's consensual and they like it. And, just like the fake Santa facade we've all grown up with, Steve does accept Christmas lists. Whether he decides to get you anything you request is really up to him (I mean, he does know what's best), but he will take your suggestions into consideration. And it's not too late to send him a little note; simply send your letter to the following address:

Steve Perry

c/o The City by the Bay

Don't Stop Believin'

Or you can leave a note in the comments section. I make no guarantees they'll be read, but have a little faith.

Merry Christmas, Perry Heads. Just remember: if you happen to hear the faint sounds of "Be Good to Yourself," "Escape," "Faithfully" or any other Journey tune on Christmas Eve, you didn't accidentally leave your CD player on. It's Santa Claus Steve, imparting to you his own brand of Christmas cheer.

Steve Perry Sings Christmas Carols! (Or "Holiday Music" for the PC-Minded)

2009-12-17T09:59:00.000-08:00

So because I love all my amazing readers, I wanted to give you guys an early Christmas present. Something from the heart. From me to you. So I scoured the internet (well, YouTube and Google) to see if I could find a video or an audio file of our dearly beloved singing Christmas carols...and this was the best I could come up with.

It's a slide show of Steve Perry photos accompanied by Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas songs. Yes, it's lame. And disappointing. Which brings us to an important life lesson: you can't always get what you want. Life is disappointing sometimes. I'm sorry. But, hey, it's the thought that counts, right?

Feel free to regift.

P.S. I promise to make it up to you with a post about how Steve Perry might celebrate the holidays. I've got something cookin' up in my head. Stay tuned.

Isn't it Bromantic?

2009-12-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

I told you I'd find more evidence of Steve and Neal's secret bromance! TOLD. YOU. You didn't think I would, did you? DID YOU?! Oh ye of little faith. I present to you Exhibit B: Steve Perry being all up on his guitarist and "arch rival," Neal Schon. Oh sure, they're rocking out. Mmm hmm. Okay. Riiiiggggghhhhtttt. That's what they want you to think. Because if you knew the truth, that these two are BFFs, the whole Journey legacy would crumble like a house of playing cards. Now you might be saying, "SVB, you're reaching. Far. Drop this silly conspiracy you've cooked up and talk about Steve's crotch some more." First of all, you would say something like that, perv. But more importantly, riddle me this: if these two were just rocking out in the moment, like you say, then WHY THE HELL IS STEVE THAT CLOSE? I mean, he's practically mounting Neal! Think about it: would you want to be that close to the area of a person you didn't even like? I'm just saying.

Okay, continue to doubt, Doubting Thomas. But when this shit gets real and you see it on Extra or Entertainment Tonight or a more credible website, remember where you heard it first. And help me get my cut of the profit.

Strung Out

2009-12-09T10:41:00.000-08:00

So I landed on this video on YouTube and started watching it, hoping that it would be cheesetastic, but was surprised to see that it was pretty straightforward. Steve Perry was rocking a pretty normal outfit, and the song is pretty catchy. However, I did notice one thing: one of the guitar players looks reminiscent of Neal Schon. Which got me thinking: if this was for Steve Perry's solo album, away from all things Journey, why would one of his guitar players look like Neal? Especially since the two are pretty much arch rivals. Could it be possible that the fighting and disagreements were just a public ruse and they secretly share a mutual platonic man-love? A bromance, if you will? To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised--the drama certainly bodes well for publicity. It's more interesting than reading story after story of how the two are BFFs for life. It's food for thought, and I will definitely be doing research to find more circumstantial evidence. Stay tuned.

You Love Steve Perry.

2009-12-03T14:25:00.000-08:00

Yes, you do. Look again at the title of this post. That is indeed a period at the end. Not a question mark, not a "..." or anything else that might suggest that it is anything other than a statement. You. Love. Steve. Perry. Wanna know how I know? I read Ohthatdeb's essay. Wanna know how she knows? Read it for yourself! And show her some love, leave some comments.

I Love Steve Perry... and So Do You

The Neck

2009-12-03T10:59:00.001-08:00

First off, how fucking cool is this picture? I do believe that this is my favorite photo of Steve Perry. He looks like he should be in an 80s punk rock English band or something. Such a neat vintage rock photo. But I digress, for that is not the reason for this post. What I am about to discuss is Steve Perry's neck.

To be fair, I never noticed just how long Steve's neck was until Ohthatdeb mentioned it in a few of her comments, and now whenever I see a picture of him, that's the first thing I look at (no, seriously). The man has a long-ass neck. And I can't help but wonder: why is it that big? And okay, smart ass, I know that it houses his vocal chords and helps him sing and swallow and all that good stuff. Doi. But so do the rest of our necks, and ours aren't nearly as long or as majestic as Steve's. So what gives?

Here's my theory: Steve Perry's neck is evolution's way of saying, "This man's voice will knock your socks off, so recognize and respect." The packaging of Steve's power--his vocal chords--is obvious so that anybody who comes across him will immediately know that he is more special than any other human being on Earth and to treat him as such. Also, Steve Perry's vocal chords are double the length of ordinary ones--how else can you explain his magnificent range?--and made of platinum. No shit. So they need to be housed in something that's just a teensy bit different than the run-of-the-mill models currently on the market. Basically, it boils down to this: Special vocal chords=Better packaging. Hey, it might not be fair--I'd like a long, sexy neck--but I didn't design Steve Perry's anatomy. Take it up with Mother Nature if you have a problem, k?

Fact or Fiction?

2009-11-22T08:19:00.000-08:00

Steve Perry really is "King of the World."

Fact. Leonardo DiCaprio may have uttered those famous words on board the Titanic, but it's Steve Perry to whom they actually apply. Steve does, in fact, have a Certificate of Monarchy signed by every world leader. For the most part, he lets the leader of each country make his or her own decisions, but is consulted on issues that cannot be easily resolved. He is also the official umpire for the World Leader World Series, which China has won for the past five years. Another interesting tidbit: James Cameron had to get Steve's permission to use the phrase "King of the World" in Titanic.

Crotch Shot of the Day!

2009-11-21T09:13:00.000-08:00

Oy vey. It's been one of those hectic weeks, where I've been running on stress and adrenaline, and now that it's over, I sure could relax with a healthy dose of some peni--I mean, hey! It's been awhile since we've had a Crotch Shot of the Day and I think I should rectify that!

Ah, Steve and Sherrie Swafford in happier times. Even though Steve wants you to think that his cringing is related to the dish he is cooking, it's really because of the ungodly pressure those ball breakers are putting on his family jewels. Whenever I see a picture of him sporting a pair of slacks that even Barbie wouldn't be able to fit into, I wonder how he manages to do things like sit, bend over and dance. I mean, in this picture, he can't even stand up straight! And note the uncomfortable/scared look on Sherrie's face--perhaps she's afraid of the beast in Steve's pants? I mean, she's a tiny girl. I'm just saying.

A Not-So-Great Cover of Don't Stop Believin'

2009-11-14T13:44:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I couldn't resist following up the previous post with a horrifically bad cover of "Don't Stop Believin'." I realize I might be opening myself up to harsh criticism by talking shit about this particular version; for some inexplicable reason, people frigging love Rock of Ages and I'm ready for the backlash. However, that won't stop me--this cover SUCKS. The first time I heard it, I wanted to throttle the entire cast and then I wanted Journey and Steve Perry to unite just briefly to throttle it again. I don't care if the characters are supposed to sing like they're tone-deaf; that's still no excuse for butchering the song. Geez, I think I'd rather hear nails scraping against a chalkboard for ten straight minutes than this big pile of poop.

Edit: I just watched it again. It's like a trainwreck I can't stop watching. What is up with that blonde, big-haired guy and his incoherent rambling, or scatting or whatever the hell it was? Can I single him out for an extra punch in the face? Good grief.

Great Cover of Don't Stop Believin'

2009-11-14T13:12:00.000-08:00

"Don't Stop Believin'" is, without a doubt, my favorite Journey song, and despite the fact that it's gotten more play than a man whore, I'm still not tired of it. I love listening to the original version, of course, but I also like the (good) covers that have popped up as well (hello, Glee anyone?). Apparently I'm a little slow on the uptake, because I just now found out about Sam Tsui's cover of the song (via InStyle, of all things) that has gotten near to three million hits on YouTube. He sings five-part harmony in his cover of Glee's cover of Don't Stop Believin'. I'll wait a moment until you wrap your brain around that...Got it yet? Nope? Still need a little more time? Well, okay then...Good now? Yes. Alrighty then. Let's proceed to the video, shall we?

Edit: I'm not sure how the video looks on your browser, but on mine, it cuts off the fifth Sam. Trust me, it's five-part harmony; if you go to YouTube and watch it you'll see all five Sams.

Steve Perry is a Smug Bastard

2009-11-10T16:56:00.000-08:00

Of course, I mean that in the best way possible. But come on, look that face: those lips, pursed so matter-of-factly, the "I'm King of the World" posture, those dark eyes sizing up the audience--his whole persona screams, "I'm a badass. You're not. Gotta problem with

that?" On any other dude, this cockiness would just scream for an ass-beating, but on Steve Perry, it's simply a statement of truth. Steve is indeed a badass. No, I don't have a problem with that. You do have a problem with that? Well then, you're the asshole.

Photo courtesy of http://www.espn.go.com/i/page2/photos2/steve_perry1.jpg

Seen and Heard

2009-11-05T16:54:00.000-08:00

Location: The Improv Comedy Club in good ol' Tampa, FL

Heard: "Escape"

Thursday night. Ladies night. Actually, I'm pretty sure The Improv didn't have any drink specials going on, but I was there with my ladies nonetheless, knocking back the booze like it was going out of style (Bonus: my drink came in a souvenir glass--boo ya!). There were four of us altogether; three of us had birthdays in October, and the one who didn't bought the tickets so we could all celebrate. Anywho, we were waiting for The Untamed Shrews show (which, by the way, was very funny; very naughty but very funny) to begin, and I guess to make the wait less painful, The Improv had music pumping softly through the house speakers (although how any sort of wait could be considered painful with the presence of alcohol is beyond me). The music that was being played was the sort of run-of-the-mill crap you'd expect: Elton John, Fleetwood Mac, John Mellencamp, blah blah blah. And then my ears, which are fine-tuned to pick up anything Journey-related, caught the unmistakable melody of "Escape." Excited to be out on the town with my friends, excited to be drinking, and excited to hear one of Journey's lesser-played songs out in public, I exclaimed, "Hey! They're playing Journey!" I was met with a chorus of polite sentiments like, "Oh, that's cool," but I could tell they didn't give two shits. But they're good friends. They understand my, um, healthy appreciation of Journey, and they were nice enough to pretend like they cared. And I can drink to that.

Steve Perry's Diet

2009-11-04T07:37:00.000-08:00

Any fan of Steve Perry's will at some point find their mind wandering about what he does on a daily basis: what does he eat? When does he sleep? Does he like his food touching? How does he make love? Is that marvelous man-hair really genetic or does he use something special on it?

Okay, first thing's first: if you've read this blog--at all--and are still wondering about why his man-hair is so gorgeous, just save yourself some embarrassment and leave now. Steve Perry's man-hair looks like it does because he's Steve Perry, alright? There's nothing you, or I, or Paul Mitchell can do to make our hair sparkle with just a fraction of the radiance of Steve Perry's. It is what it is. Deal with it.

However, I can shine some light on Perry's diet. Quite simply, Steve Perry eats whatever the hell he wants. His genetics (him being Portuguese and Steve Perry) are such that they practically make him a god here on Earth. He always sports a natural sun-kissed tan, even in winter; as mentioned before his man-hair is incomparable; his teeth are always white; and his physique is already perfect. Unlike the rest of us mere mortals, Steve doesn't have to worry about things such as transfats and bad cholesterol--they have absolutely no effect on him whatsoever. In fact, he could chow down on nothing but Country Crock, Crisco and powdered sugar and his body would still have no fat and perfect muscle tone.

Bet this bit o' info makes you want to kill yourself, don't it? I know, I know. Me too. It's almost not fair. Steve gets to enjoy the nectar of the gods (i.e. all the junk food ever invented ever) and the rest of us have to moan, groan and sweat our asses off on the treadmill if we so much as look at a doughnut. But, like Steve's man-hair, it is what it is. We just have to deal with it and continue to count our calories.

Put Up or Shut Up: An Open Letter to Steve Perry

2009-11-03T15:18:00.000-08:00

Just like the rest of us, my very cool reader, Ohthatdeb, loves her some Steve Perry. She loves it all: the PIOs, the glorious man-hair, the sensuality and general awesomeness, the bad-assery, his voice--for the most part, Steve can do no wrong. Except in one area. It's gotten to the point where she's pretty much said, "Enough of this bullshit. I can stay silent no longer," and decided to address Steve via an open letter.

Below is the letter for your reading pleasure (Hey, I'm a poet and didn't know it! I can make a rhyme any time! I--okay, okay, I'll shut up). I'm sure you'll agree, no?

(Note: Ohthatdeb has since made a few edits to the letter, so if you want to read the final FINAL version, please visit her website, Sub-urbane, here. She also has tons of other cool write-ups, so check it out, sit a spell, and leave her a comment or two. Or ten. Just show her some love, k?)

***

Hey, Steve Perry!

Yeah, I'm talking to YOU, buster.

Listen, I've been doing some checking and you seem like a decent sort:

Warm...

Goofy...

and from my personal "I'm married, not dead" perspective, nummy like massa sovada:

Crinkles! Those are the eyes of a man who knows how to laugh!

(I’ll assume that you are also a magnificent human mess, just like everyone else—but we'll stick with warm, goofy and nummy for now.)

So this is gonna hurt but baby, we need to talk.

OK, fine: I need to talk. You need to listen. Stay with me here...

For a very long time you recorded and toured and ran yourself ragged...

And that made a lot of people really happy. But it wasn't making YOU happy (which I guess is sort of important) and you were fried:

So you retired.

And then... you came back! Sweet!

And might I add: Damn!

Aaaaand... then some other crap happened soooooo... you retired again.

But ok, that whole thing sucked, I can understand why you'd throw up your hands. And maybe at some point you'll want to record something else—you, I'm saying. Screw those other guys.

I'm being very nonchalant about this, you notice. We’re cool.

Here's what's NOT cool. Every once in a while, someone says something about you writing new music. New music in 2008! New music in 2009! Oh, now wait... new music in 2010! And who keeps saying these things? Hmmm... let's see... well, among others, YOU do! For YEARS you've been saying this: I'm writing again, I've got some sketches, I go into the studio every once in a while, I've been thinking about it, I can't decide, I think I'll think about thinking about it...

Stephen. My friend. I have to assume that you DO know what your voice means, to so many people. The reaction is not “Oh. That’s nice.” It's emotional. It's visceral. It's sexual.

It's medical! Studies prove that only the very strongest opioids trigger the same endorphine release as listening to Still They Ride live at Budokan, 1983. (Which was, incidentally, named the "Best Vocal Performance of Anything Ever" at a recent UN General Assembly plenary session on Music for Peace and Development.)

But, see... the maddening thing is that you DO sing... anyone with reasonable skill at internet research knows THAT... you're just not sharing, dammit! There you are, storing up for yourself this treasure upon the earth, and every once in a while saying that you're thinking about singing for us again. And then, you know, NOT singing for us. I gotta call bullsh*t on that.

As a matter of fact, I gotta call something else. If I had an attribute that made men melt and swoon (or whatever you guys do... what, howl and hit each other?) Anyway, if I kept saying "Mmmmm, yeah, I've been thinking about sharing this attribute... maybe..." and then when it came right down to it, kept NOT sharing it? Guess what they would call me. Go on, guess. You already know the answer, but I'll say it in good old Anglo Saxon. They would call me a c*ck tease.

Now, I don't know what the male equivalent would be but, with all due respect sir, you are one. Why do I say this? Because you know all about it. I find it hard to believe that you've never Googled yourself, or perused the comments on the squillion YouTube videos of you... you know, the ones covered in virtual lipstick kisses (and/or drool)? Steve, these women... they’re serious. They are in love. And you're toying with their affections.

Even the guys want you back—this is from a recent article on Cherrybomb:

"Is it just Cherrybomb’s obsession with one of the greatest bands of the 80’s, or does Steve Perry not understand his importance in the world of rock and roll? I’m completely f*cking baffled by Perry’s ability to resist his own greatness."

Every time you drop a hint we get all worked up. And I'll be honest -- it almost seems like you're having fun. Example: one of the Q&As on Fan Asylum asked whether you were ever going to release Always (w/ Nuno Bettencourt). And you said "I've thought about it.... Always is a beautiful song."

Honey, why you gotta treat me so bad?

And here you are at the U2 show:

Unfair! Look at you, all trim and relaxed, that long graceful neck, sexy motorcycle boots, even THE NECKLACE. And do I see some classy silver threads in THE HAIR? And the worst part is that little half smile -- you look like the cat that ate the master tapes.

You're trying to kill me. You're trying to kill me right where I stand.

Look, if you DO want to sing and keep your sanity, here's my recommendation: Establish your independence.

Record an R&B covers thing -- whatever you like (as long as you do Jackie Wilson's "I'm the Man" because that's totally hot.) It’s a sure bet for sales, and given your retiring nature, just the fact that you’ve released something is big news. Now here's the beauty part: you release it yourself, on this thing called the Internet. All downloads, very little overhead, you keep the cash. You don't tour, or maybe just a few scattered shows. No, it's not a big worldwide splash, and yes, some a**holes decide to pan it because your voice is different from the way it was 30 years ago. But your faithful fans love it, and you gather about you a cozy little cult following.

Once you've established this setup, you can record and release whatever you want. You can perform when and where you feel like it. You proceed with your current boundaries: If I'm wearing a cool mafioso suit, you may take my picture. If I'm wearing scruddy sweats, get lost. If I happen to be with someone whose precise relationship to myself you know I am not eager to discuss... c’mon, don't be a jerk. (Please. Thank you.) Everyone respects these boundaries, mostly because of your niche-y awesomeness, but also because they know that if they don't, 50 women wearing "Mrs. Steve Perry" t-shirts will sweep in and make with the pummeling.

Once you see that this works, you call me up: "Deb, you were right—this rocks." I do not say I told you so. However I do happen to mention that I make kickass sweetbread (true) and the hands-down best cup of coffee you will ever have (I'm not bragging, these are just facts). You get a wild idea: "Hey, lemme fly you out here, we'll hang around in scruddy sweats, watch baseball, and eat sweetbread until we bust a gut." Awesome! You quickly realize what a truly gifted writer I am and hire me to ghostwrite your autobiography. This is a massive success, we both become rich as Croesus, and everyone lives happily ever after.

See? No big whoop.

So here we are at The Bottom Line.

We miss you, Stevie.

We will leave you alone if that's what you want.

But if that IS what you want then STOP MESSING WITH US!

If you aren't going to sing ever again, just tell us, so our broken hearts can start to mend. (Sniffle, sniffle...)

If you DO want to sing, then SING, DAMMIT!

But baby, please... don't tease.

Love and kisses,

ohthatdeb

Happy (Belated) Halloween

2009-11-03T13:22:00.000-08:00

I'm not gonna lie, the week leading up to Halloween, I was thinking about this awesome Halloween-themed post I had in mind. Then life, like it tends to do, kicked me in the metaphorical nuts and I came down with the Ass Plague and updating this blog was the last thing on my throbbing, achey mind. And, now, well, Halloween is over. Sigh.

But you know what? I say screw it. Because the picture I found is so sweet, and is the perfect combination of Halloween magic and Steve Perry goodness that I'm doing you mofos a disservice if I don't post it:

That's Luke Skywalker and Steve Perry, right down to the glorious man-hair and bad-ass leather jacket. Happy (belated) Halloween.

P.S. You can see more of the iconic awesomeness here.

Crotch Shot of the Day!

2009-10-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

"You should've been gone!" Well. I think we know why Sherrie stayed in that relationship for as long as she did. Thing's as big as a midget's arm. Damn.

And just for funsies, here's the accompanying video. It's one of my personal favorites, NOT because of the crotch shots, but because of the delightful eighties cheese factor. It's my second favorite eighties vid that features tacky medieval imagery.

*"Oh Sherrie" schlong pic submitted by Ohthatdeb.

Fact or Fiction?

2009-10-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

The song "Afternoon Delight" is about having sex in the afternoon.

Partial fact: The song "Afternoon Delight" is about having sex in the afternoon with Steve Perry. It was so good, it spawned a song which has been featured in Arrested Development and Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy among other programs.

Sky rockets in flight takes on a whole new meaning, doesn't it?

I Have No Words

2009-10-25T12:58:00.000-07:00

I have no words to describe the sheer majesty of this photo (which can be found at http://www.flickr.com/photos/9061703@N03/4038540010/ btw). The caption that goes along with it reads, "This is the kind of thing that comes up at the day job- what would happen if a giant Steve Perry Robot attacked the West Seattle Bridge?"

I don't think I (or anybody else, for that matter) could add anything to this. A giant Steve Perry robot attacking Seattle? That's pretty amazing in and of itself.

New Blog Alert!

2009-10-23T19:02:00.000-07:00

Don't get your pantalones in an unsightly wad, I'm not cancelling this blog. Are you kidding me? I'm having too much fun being ridiculous to cancel it! However, I have started a new blog, posting about my life and shit. The tone is going to be in keeping with the tone of this blog, sarcastic and (hopefully) funny, and it'll just be about what's going on in my life, anecdotes, observations, what-have-you.

So check it out. You may or may not give a crap, but if you like it, that's cool. If not, I hope you're still enjoying the Steve Perry majesty on this blog.

The Crotch

2009-10-22T16:42:00.000-07:00

Steve Perry's nickname may be The Voice, but one could argue that it could also be The Crotch. In case you haven't noticed (and you have noticed, don't even play like you haven't), Steve was fond of some shockingly tight pants back in his Journey days. Seriously, every time I look at photos where he's sporting nut-cruncher after nut-cruncher, I feel like a notice will pop up at any moment, asking me to pay a fee. Because even though he's fully clothed, his choice of bottoms more than adequately show off his, um, personal area, if you know what I mean. You know what I'm talking about? His "down there" business. His pelvic region. His penis, okay? I'm talking about his penis.

Now you would think that since Steve's slacks played such a prominent role in his career, they would have played an equally prominent role in this blog. Well, I hate to break it to you , but your humble narrator is sometimes oblivious to things and once in awhile needs a swift kick to the behind in order to wake up. I'm only human, after all. But my lovely reader Ohthatdeb got me in gear by kindly suggesting an idea for a new blog feature (and she didn't even need to kick me, switfly or otherwise--she's that good). So it is with great pleasure I announce Crotch Shot of the Day. It's pretty self-explanatory, but in case you need a little extra help, it means that I will post pictures of the ensembles that best show off Steve's family jewels. Consider it a hall of fame of his crotch, if you will. And for the first entry, I thought this little number would be appropriate (again, submitted by Ohthatdeb):

Ta-da! Now I'm no anthropologist, but something tells me that such a blatant display of both Steve and Neal's disco sticks is probably a primal form of peacocking--maybe they're subconsciously channeling an animal that flashes his dick in order to get mates, I don't know. What I do know is that both are out there, daring the world to look and admire. And that what Neal's sporting may not be legal.